We Survived!

We survived the first week of school! It went well. Unfortunately my daughter had a sinus infection and did not feel too good. Even so, she went into her classroom without any tears or hesitation. Thank God! My class is going to be a good one I think. I have eight children, 4 boys and 4 girls. I have some really talkative girls and some really quiet boys! They are all unique in their own way, and I cannot wait to get to know them throughout this year and see them grow into kids who are ready for "big school!"

I work three mornings a week from 8 - 12 and sometimes I will have to stay until 1:30. When I get home I immediately try to get daughter down for a nap so that I can get on the computer and start my transcribing. To say the least, I am tired at night, but it's a good tired.

The extra money will come in handy too. I get paid twice a month and we decided to put one of those checks into our savings account and the other check toward hubby's truck note. This is our plan. Maybe we can stick to it. As I've mentioned in the past, the winter time is our hardest time financially because hubby works absolutely no overtime. There may be a month or two where we have to use my checks just to make it through the month. That will be okay too I guess.

I really want to thank God for this job. He provided it--and I'm so thankful.

Now we're wondering if He will provide a job for hubby. As you know, hubby wanted to start seminary this fall. However, that will not happen. Classes start next week and hubby has no job to accommodate his class schedule. No, this seminary does not offer night classes or online classes. So hubby needs a night job in order to go to class during the day. We're praying he can start in the spring or at least by next fall.

I would like to ask all my readers to click over to my friend Michael's blog, http://the-confessions-of-a-porn-addict.blogspot.com and give him some encouragement. We all need it now and then, don't we?

I had a very, very interesting comment posted on an old post of mine. I am going to be posting in response to that very soon--as soon as I figure out exactly what I want to say.

I hope everyone had a good week and a good worship service this morning. This is the second week I've posted on a Sunday. It's really the only good time I have to do it. Hubby and daughter are asleep and son is playing at a friend's house.

Thanks for reading,

Amy

"You'll Fit Right In"

'You'll Fit Right In Mrs. Amy's class!" That's what my door says on top with a puzzle on the bottom with a child's name on each piece. I guess it's a cute idea, but I had to use different colored letters and various sizes of letters because of availability. I think it would look better in all black, but there were not enough black letters to say all that.



This door looks pretty good until you walk down the hall and see some of the works of art on the other doors. Wow, some people are really talented!



The parents come to the school today to meet me and see their child's room. Then I meet the children tomorrow but they do not stay all day (just an hour). Tuesday is our first "official" day of preschool.

BTW, yesterday was mine and hubby's 11th anniversary! I cannot believe it has been 11 LONG years already! We did absolutely nothing. And I mean nothing. That's okay though. We celebrated last year for our 10th. We'll probably do something fun again for the 15th. But the 11th just kind of got passed over. We were together all day and although hubby has been pretty grumpy lately, it was overall a good day.

Have a great Lord's Day!

Have I Told You?

It just dawned on me that I do not think I have told you what new "adventure" I am starting tomorrow!

I have agreed to teach 4-year-old preschool at a church here in town. I am very excited about this! I graduated from college with a degree in Elementary Education so this is going back to my roots so to speak. I have not taught in a long time. The last time I did so was 2-year-old Mother's Morning Out, and no offense to 2-year-olds, but I was mainly a glorified babysitter. I believe (and earnestly hope) that I will actually be teaching the 4-year-olds and getting them ready for "big school." I will have eight little ones, and I have been praying for the eight calmest 4-year-olds in this entire world to be in my class! I hope this is one prayer I get answered! BTW, my 3-year-old daughter will be at the same preschool in her own class. This is the main reason I am doing this. I wanted her to be socialized, but I wanted it to be tuition-free :)

My stress-out is this: I have to decorate my door. Something cutesy, you know? You should also know I am not a cutesy sort of girl. At all. But, guess what? My hubby is actually good at that sort of thing. ( I know, who would have thought?) He has brainstormed with me and we have come up with an idea (with a little help from online examples as well). I don't want to tell you about it yet. I am going to take a picture of my door once it is completed and post it here. Please be gentle with your opinions. I've never had to do a door before. I hate bulletin boards, so a door seems overwhelming!

Anyway, to switch gears for a minute, something is in my eye. No really. Something has been in there since Sunday night and it is getting to me. It is not really painful, but it is quite annoying. I have an eye appointment tomorrow. The problem is I am not covered on hubby's vision insurance. There is no telling how much this will cost. I am praying that whatever this is will heal on its own so we don't have to spend the money. For some reason, that verse about removing the plank from your own eye before trying to remove your brother's speck keeps coming to mind........

Love y'all.

Mute the Music

Forgot that I had music on my blog now. Boy, this is getting complicated!

To watch the trailer AND hear it without hearing my music at the same time, just scroll down and pause my playlist at the very bottom of my blog.

This is probably insulting to most of you, but I am still learning at all this so I'm just telling you what I would need someone to tell me!

Love you guys and enjoy the trailer! I wish we could all meet up at a theater and watch it together!

Click on Watch Videos and then click on Official Trailer. I read an article on this movie, and it hints that pornography is an issue between the on-screen couple. I am looking forward to seeing how they handle this subject. Just wanted to share this with you guys. Have a great day!

Psalm 56:8

This past weekend was the pits. And I don't really even know why. Hubby admitted he has been in "addict mode," but assured me he was not acting out. He was however struggling with lustful thoughts, memories of his past, and discouragement about his future. All in all, he was just in a bad place.


So was I. For some reason (I'm still trying to figure out the reason, if there even is one), I just wanted to cry all weekend. And I did cry alot. I cried whenever I could. I did have to stop crying Saturday morning in order to go to a ladies gettogether at church. And I know just when to stop crying so that my eyes recover and I don't get the question, "Have you been crying?" I learned that little trick right after my discovery about hubby's porn use. If I stopped crying by 2 p.m., he could not tell I had been crying when he arrived home from work. And I did not want him to know I was crying every single day. Back then my tears had meaning. My tears were therapeutic, cleansing me of the shame and disgust I was feeling inside. More importantly, my tears were bringing me ever so closer to my Maker, who took me in his arms and forever implanted these words on my heart, "Amy, fall into My arms, for I will never leave you nor forsake you." This verse still remains my favorite.


But back to the tears of the weekend. They were somewhat lacking in purpose. Friday night went pretty well until bedtime, until you-know-what was brought up. And you-know-who was not in the mood. Hubby, who remember is in addict mode, did not take to this very well. But bless his heart, he doesn't give up. Saturday morning he woke up early with one thing on his mind. Excuse me? The kids could be up any minute, are you crazy? This was it for him and once again, we had the discussion of discussions about our sex life. And all I could do was cry. The rest of Saturday was okay. Hubby did some things around the house that needed to be done, so I was really grateful for that. We had a good evening with our kids doing nothing special, but just hanging out at the house. Then came Saturday night bedtime. I knew hubby was still mad but now he was being stubborn as well. He went right to sleep. I guess he had given up on me.


Sunday morning I felt really strange at church. I had regressed to my old thoughts. Every female I saw was my enemy. Trying to steal my husband. Every female I saw was prettier than me. Built better than me. Peppier than me. And I'm sure each of them had a bigger sex drive than me. I felt little, invisible.


I fell apart when we got home. The tears would not stop. Hubby locked the door to our bedroom so the kids could not come in. He sat in a chair facing mine. I talked. I cried. I wanted hubby to take me into his arms and tell me he loved me. I just wanted to be in his arms period. He didn't have to say anything. But, as I have mentioned a couple of times already, hubby was in "addict mode," not "loving husband mode," so he could not give me what I needed. I don't necessarily blame him, but I just see it for what it is now. He said something that ticked me off, made me feel stupid for crying, and I just wanted to scream. When will they learn to take us into their arms and just let us cry?


"Amy, fall into My arms, for I will never leave you nor forsake you."

Now I Need Pictures

I hope you guys are patient as I "talk out" ways to make this blog better. I have realized that I need pictures. I have added music, now I need pictures. Don't you think?

Now I have been to some blogs that are just FULL of pictures and have very little text. That will not be me. But, I do think it will personalize this blog a little more if I add pics. That along witht the fact that I have two adorable children make me think I need pictures.

When I started this blog, I was obsessed about anonymity. I did not want anyone to know who I was. Now I'm not worried quite so much. I would feel very safe posting pics on here now.

So I guess I have to keep my camera handy. And I'm not the best picture-taker by the way. Like I said, I hope you guys are patient.

On a totally different note, and a sadder one, my hubby is SOOOOOOO down right now. Seeing that his dream of starting seminary is 99% shot right now, he is feeling like a failure.

He said to me last night that everything seemed to be going so smoothly before we shared our "vision" of what our future would look like with everyone. Our "call" so to speak. When no one knew what was going on, positive things seemed to be happening almost daily. Since we shared with our families, friends, and our church family, the brakes have been put on and as hubby put it, he is left looking like "an idiot."

He has shared with me that inadequacy is one of his core values that led to his porn addiction. He has never in his WHOLE LIFE felt "good enough," or adequate to complete any task that may lie ahead of him. And with that mindset, he usually lived up to his expectation.

Guys, I'm worried about him if this dream of becoming a counselor does not work out. He truly feels God has called him to do this; however, I can see severe depression ahead for him if this does not come to be. He will feel like the ultimate failure; the kind God himself could not even help.

Am I worried about him having a relapse into his addiction? Yes. The farther down in discouragement and despair he gets, the harder it is for him to resist. So yes, I am worried. But I have given it to the Lord.

I have tried to figure out a way to be encouraging to hubby, and this is what I've thought about doing. I'd like to know what you think. The end of this month marks 6 months of porn-free life for hubby. I thought about getting a babysitter and surprising hubby with a little celebration to commemorate this milestone. Is that corny? If you are the addict reading this, would you like your wife to do that or would it freak you out? I'm just curious.

Well, thanks for reading again today.