Forgot that I had music on my blog now. Boy, this is getting complicated!
To watch the trailer AND hear it without hearing my music at the same time, just scroll down and pause my playlist at the very bottom of my blog.
This is probably insulting to most of you, but I am still learning at all this so I'm just telling you what I would need someone to tell me!
Love you guys and enjoy the trailer! I wish we could all meet up at a theater and watch it together!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Psalm 56:8
This past weekend was the pits. And I don't really even know why. Hubby admitted he has been in "addict mode," but assured me he was not acting out. He was however struggling with lustful thoughts, memories of his past, and discouragement about his future. All in all, he was just in a bad place.
So was I. For some reason (I'm still trying to figure out the reason, if there even is one), I just wanted to cry all weekend. And I did cry alot. I cried whenever I could. I did have to stop crying Saturday morning in order to go to a ladies gettogether at church. And I know just when to stop crying so that my eyes recover and I don't get the question, "Have you been crying?" I learned that little trick right after my discovery about hubby's porn use. If I stopped crying by 2 p.m., he could not tell I had been crying when he arrived home from work. And I did not want him to know I was crying every single day. Back then my tears had meaning. My tears were therapeutic, cleansing me of the shame and disgust I was feeling inside. More importantly, my tears were bringing me ever so closer to my Maker, who took me in his arms and forever implanted these words on my heart, "Amy, fall into My arms, for I will never leave you nor forsake you." This verse still remains my favorite.
But back to the tears of the weekend. They were somewhat lacking in purpose. Friday night went pretty well until bedtime, until you-know-what was brought up. And you-know-who was not in the mood. Hubby, who remember is in addict mode, did not take to this very well. But bless his heart, he doesn't give up. Saturday morning he woke up early with one thing on his mind. Excuse me? The kids could be up any minute, are you crazy? This was it for him and once again, we had the discussion of discussions about our sex life. And all I could do was cry. The rest of Saturday was okay. Hubby did some things around the house that needed to be done, so I was really grateful for that. We had a good evening with our kids doing nothing special, but just hanging out at the house. Then came Saturday night bedtime. I knew hubby was still mad but now he was being stubborn as well. He went right to sleep. I guess he had given up on me.
Sunday morning I felt really strange at church. I had regressed to my old thoughts. Every female I saw was my enemy. Trying to steal my husband. Every female I saw was prettier than me. Built better than me. Peppier than me. And I'm sure each of them had a bigger sex drive than me. I felt little, invisible.
I fell apart when we got home. The tears would not stop. Hubby locked the door to our bedroom so the kids could not come in. He sat in a chair facing mine. I talked. I cried. I wanted hubby to take me into his arms and tell me he loved me. I just wanted to be in his arms period. He didn't have to say anything. But, as I have mentioned a couple of times already, hubby was in "addict mode," not "loving husband mode," so he could not give me what I needed. I don't necessarily blame him, but I just see it for what it is now. He said something that ticked me off, made me feel stupid for crying, and I just wanted to scream. When will they learn to take us into their arms and just let us cry?
"Amy, fall into My arms, for I will never leave you nor forsake you."
So was I. For some reason (I'm still trying to figure out the reason, if there even is one), I just wanted to cry all weekend. And I did cry alot. I cried whenever I could. I did have to stop crying Saturday morning in order to go to a ladies gettogether at church. And I know just when to stop crying so that my eyes recover and I don't get the question, "Have you been crying?" I learned that little trick right after my discovery about hubby's porn use. If I stopped crying by 2 p.m., he could not tell I had been crying when he arrived home from work. And I did not want him to know I was crying every single day. Back then my tears had meaning. My tears were therapeutic, cleansing me of the shame and disgust I was feeling inside. More importantly, my tears were bringing me ever so closer to my Maker, who took me in his arms and forever implanted these words on my heart, "Amy, fall into My arms, for I will never leave you nor forsake you." This verse still remains my favorite.
But back to the tears of the weekend. They were somewhat lacking in purpose. Friday night went pretty well until bedtime, until you-know-what was brought up. And you-know-who was not in the mood. Hubby, who remember is in addict mode, did not take to this very well. But bless his heart, he doesn't give up. Saturday morning he woke up early with one thing on his mind. Excuse me? The kids could be up any minute, are you crazy? This was it for him and once again, we had the discussion of discussions about our sex life. And all I could do was cry. The rest of Saturday was okay. Hubby did some things around the house that needed to be done, so I was really grateful for that. We had a good evening with our kids doing nothing special, but just hanging out at the house. Then came Saturday night bedtime. I knew hubby was still mad but now he was being stubborn as well. He went right to sleep. I guess he had given up on me.
Sunday morning I felt really strange at church. I had regressed to my old thoughts. Every female I saw was my enemy. Trying to steal my husband. Every female I saw was prettier than me. Built better than me. Peppier than me. And I'm sure each of them had a bigger sex drive than me. I felt little, invisible.
I fell apart when we got home. The tears would not stop. Hubby locked the door to our bedroom so the kids could not come in. He sat in a chair facing mine. I talked. I cried. I wanted hubby to take me into his arms and tell me he loved me. I just wanted to be in his arms period. He didn't have to say anything. But, as I have mentioned a couple of times already, hubby was in "addict mode," not "loving husband mode," so he could not give me what I needed. I don't necessarily blame him, but I just see it for what it is now. He said something that ticked me off, made me feel stupid for crying, and I just wanted to scream. When will they learn to take us into their arms and just let us cry?
"Amy, fall into My arms, for I will never leave you nor forsake you."
Friday, July 25, 2008
Now I Need Pictures
I hope you guys are patient as I "talk out" ways to make this blog better. I have realized that I need pictures. I have added music, now I need pictures. Don't you think?
Now I have been to some blogs that are just FULL of pictures and have very little text. That will not be me. But, I do think it will personalize this blog a little more if I add pics. That along witht the fact that I have two adorable children make me think I need pictures.
When I started this blog, I was obsessed about anonymity. I did not want anyone to know who I was. Now I'm not worried quite so much. I would feel very safe posting pics on here now.
So I guess I have to keep my camera handy. And I'm not the best picture-taker by the way. Like I said, I hope you guys are patient.
On a totally different note, and a sadder one, my hubby is SOOOOOOO down right now. Seeing that his dream of starting seminary is 99% shot right now, he is feeling like a failure.
He said to me last night that everything seemed to be going so smoothly before we shared our "vision" of what our future would look like with everyone. Our "call" so to speak. When no one knew what was going on, positive things seemed to be happening almost daily. Since we shared with our families, friends, and our church family, the brakes have been put on and as hubby put it, he is left looking like "an idiot."
He has shared with me that inadequacy is one of his core values that led to his porn addiction. He has never in his WHOLE LIFE felt "good enough," or adequate to complete any task that may lie ahead of him. And with that mindset, he usually lived up to his expectation.
Guys, I'm worried about him if this dream of becoming a counselor does not work out. He truly feels God has called him to do this; however, I can see severe depression ahead for him if this does not come to be. He will feel like the ultimate failure; the kind God himself could not even help.
Am I worried about him having a relapse into his addiction? Yes. The farther down in discouragement and despair he gets, the harder it is for him to resist. So yes, I am worried. But I have given it to the Lord.
I have tried to figure out a way to be encouraging to hubby, and this is what I've thought about doing. I'd like to know what you think. The end of this month marks 6 months of porn-free life for hubby. I thought about getting a babysitter and surprising hubby with a little celebration to commemorate this milestone. Is that corny? If you are the addict reading this, would you like your wife to do that or would it freak you out? I'm just curious.
Well, thanks for reading again today.
Now I have been to some blogs that are just FULL of pictures and have very little text. That will not be me. But, I do think it will personalize this blog a little more if I add pics. That along witht the fact that I have two adorable children make me think I need pictures.
When I started this blog, I was obsessed about anonymity. I did not want anyone to know who I was. Now I'm not worried quite so much. I would feel very safe posting pics on here now.
So I guess I have to keep my camera handy. And I'm not the best picture-taker by the way. Like I said, I hope you guys are patient.
On a totally different note, and a sadder one, my hubby is SOOOOOOO down right now. Seeing that his dream of starting seminary is 99% shot right now, he is feeling like a failure.
He said to me last night that everything seemed to be going so smoothly before we shared our "vision" of what our future would look like with everyone. Our "call" so to speak. When no one knew what was going on, positive things seemed to be happening almost daily. Since we shared with our families, friends, and our church family, the brakes have been put on and as hubby put it, he is left looking like "an idiot."
He has shared with me that inadequacy is one of his core values that led to his porn addiction. He has never in his WHOLE LIFE felt "good enough," or adequate to complete any task that may lie ahead of him. And with that mindset, he usually lived up to his expectation.
Guys, I'm worried about him if this dream of becoming a counselor does not work out. He truly feels God has called him to do this; however, I can see severe depression ahead for him if this does not come to be. He will feel like the ultimate failure; the kind God himself could not even help.
Am I worried about him having a relapse into his addiction? Yes. The farther down in discouragement and despair he gets, the harder it is for him to resist. So yes, I am worried. But I have given it to the Lord.
I have tried to figure out a way to be encouraging to hubby, and this is what I've thought about doing. I'd like to know what you think. The end of this month marks 6 months of porn-free life for hubby. I thought about getting a babysitter and surprising hubby with a little celebration to commemorate this milestone. Is that corny? If you are the addict reading this, would you like your wife to do that or would it freak you out? I'm just curious.
Well, thanks for reading again today.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
I've Got Music!
Hear it? Neat, huh?
Noticed alot of blogs were putting music on their blogs. Thought it added a nice touch. Check out the songs on my playlist. There are just a few; I suppose I can add more later? Not sure. I am definitely learning as I go.
Hope you enjoy the music. If not, just turn your volume down when you come here! But how could I go wrong with Mercy Me, Casting Crowns, Selah, Echoing Angels, and a little Rascal Flatts?!?
Noticed alot of blogs were putting music on their blogs. Thought it added a nice touch. Check out the songs on my playlist. There are just a few; I suppose I can add more later? Not sure. I am definitely learning as I go.
Hope you enjoy the music. If not, just turn your volume down when you come here! But how could I go wrong with Mercy Me, Casting Crowns, Selah, Echoing Angels, and a little Rascal Flatts?!?
Monday, July 21, 2008
Faith versus Common Sense
As expected, last week was a very busy week. We had Vacation Bible School at church every night from Sunday through Thursday with Family Night on Friday night. Our VBS was very successful this year. Several kids indicated an interest in becoming a Christian. My son actually prayed and asked Jesus into his heart! We are thrilled! What a great joy as a parent to see your child make this decision!
I was a little concerned at first. I mean, he is quite young, ( 7 1/2 ) but after my hubby and I talked to him, I was convinced he knew exactly what he was doing and why. So now we are waiting to see when his baptism is scheduled. I have several family members that are planning on making the hour-long trip to see him get baptized. That will be a special day. I plan on buying him a nice Bible and giving it to him on that day.
A word on my hubby's seminary quest: Nothing. The word is nothing. God is still allowing nothing to happen. Hubby has not found a night job that would allow him to go to school during the day. He needs a part-time night job with good pay and good benefits. Not easy to come by.
This is my question to you and to God....Where should my common sense end and my faith begin? This is what I mean, if hubby is offered a job making $3 less an hour than he needs to make to pay all our bills, is God expecting us to use our common sense to say, "No, we can't take that job. It's impossible." Or is that where we should say, "No, we can't pay all our bills on $3 less an hour, but with God all things are possible."?
Does anybody get what I am saying? I'm having alot of trouble with common sense versus faith. Common sense tells you not to run out in the interstate at rush hour. Common sense tells you not to touch a red-hot stove eye. But if you had enough faith, could you say, "I'm running across these five lanes of traffic, and I have faith that God will keep me safe."
I brought this up to my hubby and he actually had a very good explanation. He basically said God would never ask you to do anything on faith that would bring you harm. Like running across five lanes of traffic. However, God might ask you to take a huge pay cut in order to bring Him glory and put you in His will, i.e., attending seminary.
I don't know. I want to have faith. I think I do have faith. But when it comes down to the livelihood of my family and my children having food to eat, maybe I'm still too self-reliant.
I want my hubby in seminary to become a marriage & family therapist. I believe this is God's calling on his life. Right now though, it seems like God called Him and then forgot Him. He wouldn't do that would he?
BTW, I realized that this month makes 6 months my hubby has been free from porn. His last binge was in January. That was the worst month of our entire marriage. I thought it was ending. God really worked a miracle in our relationship. Why is it then so hard for me to believe He can work another one and get my hubby in school? Please, God, give me the faith.
I was a little concerned at first. I mean, he is quite young, ( 7 1/2 ) but after my hubby and I talked to him, I was convinced he knew exactly what he was doing and why. So now we are waiting to see when his baptism is scheduled. I have several family members that are planning on making the hour-long trip to see him get baptized. That will be a special day. I plan on buying him a nice Bible and giving it to him on that day.
A word on my hubby's seminary quest: Nothing. The word is nothing. God is still allowing nothing to happen. Hubby has not found a night job that would allow him to go to school during the day. He needs a part-time night job with good pay and good benefits. Not easy to come by.
This is my question to you and to God....Where should my common sense end and my faith begin? This is what I mean, if hubby is offered a job making $3 less an hour than he needs to make to pay all our bills, is God expecting us to use our common sense to say, "No, we can't take that job. It's impossible." Or is that where we should say, "No, we can't pay all our bills on $3 less an hour, but with God all things are possible."?
Does anybody get what I am saying? I'm having alot of trouble with common sense versus faith. Common sense tells you not to run out in the interstate at rush hour. Common sense tells you not to touch a red-hot stove eye. But if you had enough faith, could you say, "I'm running across these five lanes of traffic, and I have faith that God will keep me safe."
I brought this up to my hubby and he actually had a very good explanation. He basically said God would never ask you to do anything on faith that would bring you harm. Like running across five lanes of traffic. However, God might ask you to take a huge pay cut in order to bring Him glory and put you in His will, i.e., attending seminary.
I don't know. I want to have faith. I think I do have faith. But when it comes down to the livelihood of my family and my children having food to eat, maybe I'm still too self-reliant.
I want my hubby in seminary to become a marriage & family therapist. I believe this is God's calling on his life. Right now though, it seems like God called Him and then forgot Him. He wouldn't do that would he?
BTW, I realized that this month makes 6 months my hubby has been free from porn. His last binge was in January. That was the worst month of our entire marriage. I thought it was ending. God really worked a miracle in our relationship. Why is it then so hard for me to believe He can work another one and get my hubby in school? Please, God, give me the faith.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Two Great Concerts!
We went to see Mercy Me Friday night, and they were really, really good! It was an outdoor concert at a fair, and in my opinion those are the best kinds. You can't beat an outdoor concert. I recognized alot of their songs but of course "I Can Only Imagine" is probably their most widely-known song. The best surprise of the night was a group by the name of "Echoing Angels" out of Atlanta, GA. I had never heard of them before. Hubby said he had heard of them but only knew one of their songs. They did an awesome job. We have predicted them to go a long way in the Christian music world. In fact, we bought one of their CDs. So we are helping them on their way. Disclaimer: If you do not like loud, rocking, feel-the-beat-in-your chest sorts of concerts, these two groups are not for you. If you do, then I suggest finding the next concert nearest to you. You won't regret it.
On another note, our Vacation Bible School starts tonight. I somehow got wrangled into teaching music. I have a teenager helping me, so I suspect she will do most of the work. I will just be there for crowd control. We have a small church and therefore a small group at VBS. It's always a fun week, but a tiring one.
I have to go get ready for church. By the way, hubby is supposed to sing the special this morning. He's trying to figure a way out of it. He gets nervous, but he always does a great job.
Have a great Lord's Day.
On another note, our Vacation Bible School starts tonight. I somehow got wrangled into teaching music. I have a teenager helping me, so I suspect she will do most of the work. I will just be there for crowd control. We have a small church and therefore a small group at VBS. It's always a fun week, but a tiring one.
I have to go get ready for church. By the way, hubby is supposed to sing the special this morning. He's trying to figure a way out of it. He gets nervous, but he always does a great job.
Have a great Lord's Day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)