Smash, smash, smash!

Took both my kids to get a haircut today. Got home after hubby. Saw sledgehammer in garage. He finally remembered to bring it home so we could smash the old computer to bits.

We closed the garage door, sat our old computer on the cement, and he started swinging. Do you know how hard it is to break a computer? We had personally never tried it, but it was tough! He finally smashed it open and proceeded to tear out the hard drive. That thing is even tougher! He took swing after swing, violently smashing it. It took a few swings to even tear it apart, but it finally did give in to the force. He kept hitting it and for a split second I got a little worried that he would never stop or that something else in the garage was about to pay the price as well. But he did stop to ask me if I wanted a swing. I really didn't by this time because I saw how much he was enjoying it. I just let him go.

After we completely tore the guts out of the computer, we just sat in the garage floor and marveled at all the workings. We saw the grids and processors and drives and other stuff. It was quite amazing to see it all. He literally tore out each scarred piece.

So, you ask, how do we feel now? I feel good about it, kind of silly, but it was very symbolic I think. Out with the old ways, in with the new. I think it was a better experience for hubby. I could feel the anger coming out of him with every swing.

On a side note, this is hubby's birthday. We met 14 years ago on this date. And I feel like we are just getting started.

Up and Running

We have a new computer and a new internet provider, so we are now up and running better than ever. Feel free to comment now since I can actually see my blog and my comments. I love hearing from you guys!

The only interesting thing I have to say today is about the idea my hubby had last night. As he was hooking up our new computer, I asked him what he wanted to do with our old one. He said he wanted to bring a sledgehammer home from work and smash it to pieces. I didn't understand at first, but it didn't take me long to figure it out. It would be for therapeutic purposes, kind of like smashing "the past" to pieces and starting over. I asked if I could have a few swings and he said I sure could.

So look out old nasty porn-filled, deceit-filled, husband-stealing computer.....you are on your way to computer hell.

We Are Being Haunted

Still having weird computer problems. Still cannot view my blog to see any comments. I can't get to Yahoo either. Hubby has done all he knows to do. He's reinstalled our internet browser, deleted all unnecessary files, and has run virus scans galore. It's still screwed up. We do have connection to the internet (which means I can still work), but it starts screwing up when you are trying to actually navigate the internet.

Speaking of the internet, I don't think I've shared what happened to us with Internet Explorer several months ago long before I started this blog. And if I have shared this story, my apologies, but I am going to share it again because it is relevant to the here and now.

One day everything was fine. Pull up a page and see ads for normal things like credit card companies, clothing stores, weight loss drugs, matchmaking services, etc. The next day everything was not fine. I see the most raunchy ads on my screen. I ignored them at first, although it really bothered me, I thought it was a one-time thing. Then it was happening every time on every web site. And they were bad too. Images I definitely did not want to see. And talk about a major trigger for hubby....... he could no longer even catch up on sports news because on the side of the page was an ad for all the *orny women in town waiting to get *aid. They were disgusting, girls kissing each other, and it just got worse.

I was furious. Of course, you know where my mind immediately went. What has hubby been doing on our computer???? He's lying to me again!!!!! Then, I calmed down and realized that was not the reason. I mean, really, he looked at porn for years on this computer and I never once saw a raunchy ad during those years. He stopped looking at porn, and here come the nasty porn-like advertisements. It's like the computer was going into withdrawal....

Well, hubby was freaked out as well, assured me he had not been to any questionable web sites, and I believed him. Called our internet provider and after much run-around, was told that it sounded like our Internet Explorer had been "hijacked." What? That's crazy. But that's what they said. So they told us to block Explorer with our firewall and use Firefox for our browser because it was much more stable.

We did that and everything had been fine. Until yesterday. An ad popped up. An ad I would hope to never see again. "Jessica Alba Unleashed." You can imagine the picture. Or not.

What the heck is going on here? I swear we are being haunted. First the hijacking of our internet, then the Playboy card in the mail, and now the internet again?

Please, Lord, make it all go away.

Technical Difficulties...Please Stand By

I wanted to let you guys know that I am having technical difficulties. I can post messages, but I cannot view my blog or anybody else's. Strange. It's like the computer is picking and choosing which web sites to open. And it may open a web site once and then five minutes later, it will not pull it up. It is very frustrating! One day, I couldn't get the internet to connect at all.....

So we have decided to switch internet providers to see if that helps. I will not name any names, but the company we are currently with has gotten so big its customer service STINKS. You spend 30 minutes talking to a computer, then when you finally get a person, you are so furious you can't even think straight. Then the real person makes you do the same stuff you did with the computer and none of it ever helps.

So we are switching to our local cable company and bundling phone, internet, and cable all together. We'll save a whopping $12 a month, but hey, it's $12. We had already been discussing switching to cable TV anyway since our Dish goes out every time the wind blows the wrong direction. My hubby literally has a Hot Wheel wedged between our Dish and our house to make it pick up reception. It takes me back to the days when I was growing up and we had an antenna to pick up our three channels. Someone had to go out and turn the antenna (my older sister) and someone (me) had to stay inside and yell when the picture was clear.

Hopefully, this transition will be quick and easy. They are coming to hook everything up a week from today.

So just know, that if I post anything within the next week that you leave a comment about, I won't be able to read it. But please leave a comment anyway, I will eventually get to it. Promise!


P.S. My check engine light came on in the car this morning as well. Arrrggghhh........

A Little Update

I shredded the Playboy subscription postcard. And I haven't told hubby about it. I feel like I'm doing the right thing although I don't like keeping secrets from him because that is exactly what I despise him doing. Ironic.

Did I overreact? It sure sent me to a bad place fast. Why did I let one incident shake me to the core and doubt my hubby's recovery? Why?

I thought I was farther along in recovery than that.

I thought I was stronger than that.

Just Keep Breathing

Went to the mailbox today to find a postcard-sort of invitation for hubby to subscribe to Playboy.

Pictures of naked girls on front and back with the words "______ __ ______(hubby's full name including middle initial in bold and all caps), you've been selected to enjoy Playboy for just $1 an issue, our absolute lowest price! And get a FREE DVD! Playboy's "Nude Celebrities" DVD is yours free with your paid subscription. Act now!"

Deep breath. Why did hubby receive this in the mail? How did they get his name, this address? Has he recently had a subscription to Playboy? That's impossible, I am home all day and am always the one to check the mail. Has he been lying to me? What if my 7-year-old son would have gotten the mail today? Oh my God, I'm going to hyperventilate.

Deep breath. What to say to hubby? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I can't. He is in the best place he has ever been, and this would terrify him. Set him back. No, I can't, I can't tell him he received this.

Deep breath. Hubby is in recovery. Hubby is not lying to me. Hubby is not secretly stashing porn mags or videos. I can trust him.

Deep breath. I'm going to shred this piece of **** and get it out of my house, and he will never know.

Who Can You Tell?

With our recent "decision" to surrender our will and follow God's call for our life (which we feel includes hubby going back to school for a counseling degree), there comes a slight problem. That problem is explaining our "newfound calling" to people (a/k/a family and church family) who are absolutely clueless about what has been happening in our marriage and lives for the last year-and-a-half.

I don't know about you, but when my marriage was on the brink, I did not share it with anyone. I suffered silently. Even my best friends and neighbors did not know. Even my mother and father did not know (and they still don't!). I ashamedly can say that I have the "act" down so good that no one even noticed something was terribly awry in my soul.

There were days I would stare out my kitchen window and look at other houses and wonder if there were hurting wives inside. I felt like jumping through the window and running as fast as I could. I wanted to scream for help, for someone to get me out of here, but it was like a nightmare in that when I opened my mouth, nothing would come out.

I also remember riding in the truck with hubby and kids and looking around at other couples in their vehicles and wondering if the wife felt trapped in there, like she couldn't breathe. I wanted to scream, I wanted to run away, I wanted to have the life I thought I had, the husband I thought I married.

But I had no one to share this with. Yes, I have friends, friends that really care about me, I'm sure. But my friends are either connected to my family or my church. And those were two groups I absolutely wanted to keep this from.

So here we are, a year-and-a-half down the road called recovery. Who knows now you ask? Well, it's a very, very small group, and we haven't had good luck.

• We shared with a couple in our church. We are very good friends, but they never ask how we are doing in respect to our marriage.

• We shared with our pastor and music minister. And do you know how many times the pastor has asked hubby how he is doing? Zero. Music minister? Zero.

• I shared via e-mail with a young lady that came to our church to sing. While there she shared how her marriage had gone through rough times. Perfect person to share our story with, right? Wrong. I received an e-mail back from her that was basically two lines. "Sorry this has happened to you. Good luck in the future." The end.
  

So who can you trust? Who can you tell? Who really cares if your marriage falls apart? Does anybody truly care?

I would love to hear from you guys about how you have dealt with this issue. Does everyone in your "circle" know what's been going on? Or are you super secretive?

All I know is that at this moment my family does not know, my church family does not know, and my friends do not know.

But stay tuned......things are a-changing.

Could This Be Possible?

I don't know if I will have time to do this post justice. My mother-in-law is coming into town this afternoon for my daughter's birthday party (the big 3 years old!). I need to get alot of things done, but I wanted to post about what's been going on here.

It's simple yet complicated. Clear yet confusing. Exciting yet terrifying.

Let me start with a conversation that happened about five years ago. My hubby was working at a sales job. This job required him to travel across the state and be gone from home a couple of nights a week (not a good idea for porn addicts). At first, we thought this was the dream job. The truck, the cell phone, the flexible hours, etc. But there was one problem. My hubby hated it. It was so out of his comfort zone, and he never felt he was pleasing his bosses. So as has happened with EVERY job he has ever had, he started the grumbling about a year into it. By two years, he was so miserable it was depressing.

As his wife, I had been tolerant of his changing jobs, but I was getting a little weary of the process. Anyway, he called me one day while traveling and told me he was headed home. What? He was not due back for a couple of days. He told me he had just quit.

Deep breath. You did what? "I quit, and I'm coming home." The conversation was surprisingly benign after that. I think I was in shock; however, I do remember one thing he told me. While bemoaning his career choice, he told me he felt like God was calling him to do something. Yeah, right. That is a bunch of crock. How could God be calling you to do anything? You are just wanting a different career/job, and I don't want to hear anything else about it.

Fast forward to today. Hubby's had a few more jobs and has ended up hating each one. He has been at his current job for two years (which seems to be the record) and hates it too. Nothing fulfills him.

When his addiction came to light, we thought that was the problem with his job situation. He just never felt "good enough," and he has never had a job he was really good at. Furthermore, he always found a way to look at porn at work and when the stress got to be too much, he would almost sabotage himself, and therefore feel the need to leave.

But could there be more? I mean, could God be working through all of this to show us that He does have more in store for us?

Through different people, events, and circumstances, I am beginning to believe that hubby might have been right all those years ago. Maybe God is calling us to some sort of ministry (even typing that word makes me nervous). I just know this, I cannot go on with a hubby who is constantly looking for something that he cannot find. He is miserable, and in turn makes me miserable. It is like he has a yearning deep in his soul that he cannot make go away. The question is this, Is that yearning from God or is it just another attempt by hubby to make himself feel "meaningful?"

Please pray for us. Hubby and I talked last night and for the first time, I sensed the determination in his voice. He has decided if he does not surrender this to God and become obedient, he will NEVER find the peace he is looking for.

So what is the next step? I have no idea! Talk to our pastor? A friend? I don't know. I do know I'm glad I had you guys to share this with and would like any advice you can give.

Please pray for us to know God's will and then do it.........