A Small, Guilt-Filled Rant

My friend and I had a great time working the booth at the State Fair for Operation Christmas Child. We talked to ALOT of people. Some had never heard of it, so we got to tell them all about this great ministry! Others who passed by had been participating in this ministry for years, so they got to tell us all about it! It was a fast four hours. Next year I hope to work more at this booth. I would love to work it with Brad. This would definitely get him out of his comfort zone. He has a hard time talking to strangers (funny, since he is desperately wanting to become a marriage counselor, huh?).


I am still in my "spiritual funk." How do you pray to get out of the funk when you can't seem to pray at all? No matter, I desperately want to reclaim the intimacy God and I once shared.


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Before I start this rant, let me say I love the church. The church as a whole, and my individual church. I love my church. I really do. But, there are a few things that are driving us crazy right now.


For example, the lack of true worship. We're sick of people "playing church"-us included. In fact, we could write the book on it. The title could be, "How to Appear Happy at Church When You Are Miserable."


For another example, passion. Passion about anything. I don't care if someone is passionate about sweeping the fellowship hall - I would just love to see some passion in this church. Now that I think about it, true worship and passion could be one in the same.


And for the last example, and perhaps the most dangerous of all, a pastor that cares. Oh dear God, please do not strike me down for typing that. But let me explain. Back in January, Brad and I sat in our pastor's office and poured our hearts out. Well, we didn't get into all the gory pornography details, but nevertheless, we told him our marriage was in trouble and that we needed help. We had hit rock bottom and wanted to let him, as our pastor, know it. We got the I'm-not-sure-what-to-say-but-I'm-sure-everything-will-work-out talk. He prayed with us, and I left somewhat encouraged, but apparently I left with the wrong expectations.


You see, I left expecting a phone call the next week or maybe the next month checking up on us. Or maybe I expected the occasional question about how we were making it. Perhaps I just expected any little sign that our conversation had not been totally wiped from his memory by some sort of freakish amnesia event. But, as I'm sure you can guess, my expectations were all wrong.


We have had no questions from our pastor about the state of our marriage, no phone call, no just-checking-in-with-you-guys conversation. Nothing. Would he have even cared if we got divorced?


Now, our marriage is stronger now than it was in January. So if he asks now, I would have good news to share with him. Maybe he thinks he can tell this from the "outside" and feels there is no need to ask and bring up old memories. Wrong. Also important to remember, since January, my husband has felt the calling of the Lord to be a marriage counselor. So if he is going to be a marriage counselor, that means we must have everything figured out, right? Wrong.


Let me share this tidbit of information from someone who has been there. It is never wrong to ask someone how their marriage is going. Because believe me, if their marriage is not going well, they are dying inside for someone to ask, someone to care, someone to give a whit whether their marriage makes it or crumbles around them. On the other hand, if their marriage is going great, they will also be glad to share that with you and maybe give you some good advice.


When Brad and I were at our worst, I would have given anything, and I mean anything, to have had just one person come alongside me and say, "Your marriage is important. Don't give up" But no one did. (I'm not counting my online friends - I don't know what I would have done without you guys - I'm talking about in-the-flesh people). Now, there is the argument that I didn't allow people to know enough about our hard times. And this may be true. Because remember, we were researching for the aforementioned book.


I am not sure what I wanted to accomplish with this post. I suppose asking for prayer would be a good place to end. Pray that this bitterness toward my pastor goes away. I do not want to hold any negative feelings against this man. I want to uplift him and encourage him and respect him as the leader of my church. But right now all I want to do is walk up to him and yell, "I'm getting a divorce. Thanks for all your help!"



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P.S. As mentioned earlier, I am in a sort of spiritual downturn. I'm having a hard time "connecting" with God right now. Maybe these feelings toward my church are the result of that. Maybe if I were where I was supposed to be with God, I would not be feeling angry with my pastor. Maybe. But maybe not.



P.S.S. I am feeling quite guilty as I am about to post this. How dare I speak negatively of my pastor....Lord, forgive me. Is this the unpardonable sin?