The Next Step

I like to think that we have taken the next step in our "journey." We finally told my parents about hubby's decision to attend seminary and what we felt God was calling us to do. Granted, we did not get into details (like my hubby being addicted to internet porn), but we did share our heart for struggling marriages. My father was very quiet, and my mother asked some questions but not too many. I think they were in shock.

I also told my sister. I did get into a little more details with her, but still no mention of the porn, just that our marriage had hit bottom a few months ago. She said we were an "inspiration," and that meant alot to me. I always felt she was the "perfect" one in our family with a "perfect" marriage (like those exists!?). However, she readily admitted that they in fact had their own share of troubles. We are planning on the four of us getting together over supper one day in the near future to share more.

Sunday was perhaps the most moving day. We went forward and dedicated our lives to the Lord and to His service. Our pastor presented us to the church as having "surrendered to the ministry." For some reason, that phrase makes me crazy, and I want to scream out, 'No, he's not a preacher, he's going into counseling, Christian counseling!" The pastor did eventually get around to the fact that hubby was enrolling in Marriage & Family Therapy. But anyway, we stood up front and everyone came by and offered words of support and encouragement. That was a great moment, very uplifting. We found out people had been praying for us and they did not even know why they were being led to pray for us. They came up to us and said, "Now I know why." Amazing.

So we feel a great burden lifted. Everyone knows now. What a relief. Funny thing is, nobody knows about the porn addiction. Well, just a few people do. And that's okay. I have come to realize that everyone does not need to know about that. Only if it will benefit the person or bring praise to the Lord would we disclose that piece of info. Otherwise, we feel comfortable saying, "You know what, our marriage was not what we were pretending it to be. In fact, the devil was working overtime to tear us apart and came very close to succeeding." "But through God's grace and mercy, our marriage survived and yours can too." There are issues behind every marriage. The feelings are all the same. So unless we discern a person really needs to know about the specific porn issue in our marriage, we will just give hope and encouragement through our Lord Jesus Christ no matter what the issue.

Now to where I am today, in this very moment.

I am struggling with believing. Believing God can provide money for school and money for us to live on. I am struggling with believing that God is going to do what He has promised us. I am just struggling. I pray for faith, every night I do, but the next day the thoughts are back in my mind. How is this possible? This is a ridiculous pipe dream. How can you even think you can help other couples when you don't have it together yourself?

This is the devil I know. Get thee behind me, Satan! I want to believe in God's perfect and pleasing will. I pray this for my hubby as well. He is having a hard day at work today. He is in a "bad place." He is feeling fearful, hopeless, useless, and worthless. In his own words, he says his "thoughts are everywhere today." Translated this means, "I am struggling with lustful thoughts today." I tried to encourage him. To lift Him up. I'm not sure I did, but I tried.

Also, our friend found out that he has to report to prison on July 8th. That is weighing heavy on our hearts and minds. I am still in contact with his wife. She is understandably anxious and depressed about losing her husband, her best friend, for three years.

I told my hubby that anytime I want to give up on this seminary dream, I think about what they are going through. If they can survive the next three years, surely we can too.

I pray for your marriage today. I pray for your husband's recovery. I pray for your recovery. I pray that God will show Himself to you today in a special way. I consider you my friend, and I am praying for you.

The Irony Of It All

THANK YOU to the ones that left comments on my previous blogs. Believe me, they do not go unnoticed! It really makes my day to know someone took time out of their busy schedules to read my wandering thoughts on this crazy journey.

I can see the problem with blogging already......T-I-M-E. I think about posting a lot, but finding the time to sit down and do it is a whole other story. I know how frustrating it is to continually check a blog and rarely find a new post, so I will try my best. If any of you are stay-at-home, work-at-home moms, I'm sure you can appreciate my time issue. My 2-year-old can only take Momma staring at the computer screen for so long, and my 7-year-old fights me for his own computer time!

The cruel irony of this new-found love I have for this blog is that I hate the internet. Let me put it another way, I hate what the internet can be. It can be a great educational tool but it also can be a wide open door to all manner of perversion. As you might guess, my hubby's addiction consists mainly of online porn. Before the internet, though, he had to do it the old-fashioned way with mags and video stores, etc., but as you well know, the internet has made the addict's fix a whole lot easier to get.

I remember sitting here at this computer searching for answers online, just like some of you are doing, wondering if there was anybody out there who knew what I was feeling. I needed some validation of my feelings and the only place I could go was online. But I would have moments where I would literally want to throw up thinking about what hubby had been viewing on this same computer screen where now I was searching for answers; where he was filling his mind with other women's images, I was attempting to fill my mind with anything to give me hope. Oh, the irony of it all.

But as you can tell, I resisted the urge to throw my computer out the window. That would have been a bad decision on two counts. I need the computer/internet for my job, and I also would never have known how many other couples are struggling with this addiction.

If you think you are alone right now, you are not. God is with you and He loves you. The best news of all, he is forever faithful to you. Not just until someone prettier comes along, not just until someone more exciting comes along, and not just when He feels like it. Forever and ever and ever and ever God is faithful. Doesn't that sound like a rock worth resting on?