Going Home

With all the commercialization of Christmas, Thanksgiving has slowly but surely crept to the top of my favorite holiday list. It's so much more laid back, just eat, sit around, watch football, and visit with the family members you promise to keep in better touch with throughout this next year.

I am so looking forward to getting home. Home where my momma and daddy are. The home I grew up in. Yes, I have a home here with my husband and my children, but sometimes I need, I crave, to walk back in that door where everything is familiar--the sights, the sounds, the smells. My whole childhood was in that house, and there is no better joy than to return there. To see my children enjoying it is a whole new kind of joy.

Talking about home reminds me also that no earthly home is our permanent dwelling place. We have a heavenly Father who is waiting to welcome us home. To sights, sounds, and smells we have never experienced, but that we will never want to leave, and in fact will experience forever and ever. I can't wait. Really. I can't wait.

Just a note, this weekend is the weekend Brad and I are going to Atlanta to work in the processing center for Operation Christmas Child (see previous blogs). We are so excited! However, Brad has been having a little trouble in his back. He's tried the chiropractor and has another appointment there today. I sure hope he feels better by Friday morning when we leave.

I hope and pray you take a few moments to pull your kids close and talk about everything you are thankful for. And by the way, I am thankful for you.

Looking for Something to Do With Your Kids?

Anyway, I encourage you to get involved with this ministry. It's something you and your kids can do together. It's easy and fun and a great hands-on mission project you can do as a family! Have fun!

(It is not January 1, 2004). I didn't notice my camera's date was wrong until I had taken all but one of the pictures.

A Small, Guilt-Filled Rant

My friend and I had a great time working the booth at the State Fair for Operation Christmas Child. We talked to ALOT of people. Some had never heard of it, so we got to tell them all about this great ministry! Others who passed by had been participating in this ministry for years, so they got to tell us all about it! It was a fast four hours. Next year I hope to work more at this booth. I would love to work it with Brad. This would definitely get him out of his comfort zone. He has a hard time talking to strangers (funny, since he is desperately wanting to become a marriage counselor, huh?).


I am still in my "spiritual funk." How do you pray to get out of the funk when you can't seem to pray at all? No matter, I desperately want to reclaim the intimacy God and I once shared.


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Before I start this rant, let me say I love the church. The church as a whole, and my individual church. I love my church. I really do. But, there are a few things that are driving us crazy right now.


For example, the lack of true worship. We're sick of people "playing church"-us included. In fact, we could write the book on it. The title could be, "How to Appear Happy at Church When You Are Miserable."


For another example, passion. Passion about anything. I don't care if someone is passionate about sweeping the fellowship hall - I would just love to see some passion in this church. Now that I think about it, true worship and passion could be one in the same.


And for the last example, and perhaps the most dangerous of all, a pastor that cares. Oh dear God, please do not strike me down for typing that. But let me explain. Back in January, Brad and I sat in our pastor's office and poured our hearts out. Well, we didn't get into all the gory pornography details, but nevertheless, we told him our marriage was in trouble and that we needed help. We had hit rock bottom and wanted to let him, as our pastor, know it. We got the I'm-not-sure-what-to-say-but-I'm-sure-everything-will-work-out talk. He prayed with us, and I left somewhat encouraged, but apparently I left with the wrong expectations.


You see, I left expecting a phone call the next week or maybe the next month checking up on us. Or maybe I expected the occasional question about how we were making it. Perhaps I just expected any little sign that our conversation had not been totally wiped from his memory by some sort of freakish amnesia event. But, as I'm sure you can guess, my expectations were all wrong.


We have had no questions from our pastor about the state of our marriage, no phone call, no just-checking-in-with-you-guys conversation. Nothing. Would he have even cared if we got divorced?


Now, our marriage is stronger now than it was in January. So if he asks now, I would have good news to share with him. Maybe he thinks he can tell this from the "outside" and feels there is no need to ask and bring up old memories. Wrong. Also important to remember, since January, my husband has felt the calling of the Lord to be a marriage counselor. So if he is going to be a marriage counselor, that means we must have everything figured out, right? Wrong.


Let me share this tidbit of information from someone who has been there. It is never wrong to ask someone how their marriage is going. Because believe me, if their marriage is not going well, they are dying inside for someone to ask, someone to care, someone to give a whit whether their marriage makes it or crumbles around them. On the other hand, if their marriage is going great, they will also be glad to share that with you and maybe give you some good advice.


When Brad and I were at our worst, I would have given anything, and I mean anything, to have had just one person come alongside me and say, "Your marriage is important. Don't give up" But no one did. (I'm not counting my online friends - I don't know what I would have done without you guys - I'm talking about in-the-flesh people). Now, there is the argument that I didn't allow people to know enough about our hard times. And this may be true. Because remember, we were researching for the aforementioned book.


I am not sure what I wanted to accomplish with this post. I suppose asking for prayer would be a good place to end. Pray that this bitterness toward my pastor goes away. I do not want to hold any negative feelings against this man. I want to uplift him and encourage him and respect him as the leader of my church. But right now all I want to do is walk up to him and yell, "I'm getting a divorce. Thanks for all your help!"



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P.S. As mentioned earlier, I am in a sort of spiritual downturn. I'm having a hard time "connecting" with God right now. Maybe these feelings toward my church are the result of that. Maybe if I were where I was supposed to be with God, I would not be feeling angry with my pastor. Maybe. But maybe not.



P.S.S. I am feeling quite guilty as I am about to post this. How dare I speak negatively of my pastor....Lord, forgive me. Is this the unpardonable sin?

Catching Up

Still no news on the job. The man told Brad it would be a month before he made a decision. It's only been two weeks. The waiting is hard.



I haven't gotten a peace one way or the other about this job. I'm just letting the Lord work it out I guess. Or maybe I have new-job fatigue. We go through this process every couple years or so. The only reason this job is more on our minds is the fact that it would double Brad's income therefore making it more plausible for him to go to school.



To be honest, I've been in a spiritual funk the last few weeks. I am finding it hard to pray, read my Bible, and even attending church feels like a chore right now. Do you ever feel that way? I hate it--I really do. It's such a gradual falling away, and then one day you wake up and wonder if God even remembers your name.....



Brad and I are at a decent place right now. Not great, but not horrible. Just in the middle. Like everything else in our life. Not wonderful, not horrible. Just average.



I am going to our State Fair this afternoon with a friend of mine. We volunteered to work in a booth telling people about Operation Christmas Child. If you are not familiar with Samaritan's Purse and this ministry, please check it out at http://www.samaritanspurse.org/ and click on the flying shoebox logo on the right side of the page. This is a fun and easy ministry project that impacts children around the world. Please check it out! I'm sure you'll be hearing more about this from me later.

Hope everyone has a great weekend. Stay strong.