Sad Hubby-Sick Son

Today was supposed to be a wonderful, life-changing day. This is the day classes began at the seminary.

Is hubby there? No. Hubby is not starting seminary this fall nor this spring. We will be praying he starts fall 2009. I keep telling hubby to trust God's timing--believe His timing is best. And look at it this way, another year to find the right job, save more money, and get mentally prepared for this challenge. I'm saying all this to hubby, but all he feels is another big, fat disappointment in his life. Another failure.

To add to this, our son is sick. Now, our son does not get sick often but when he does it is usually a doozy. He has already missed two days of school and it looks like he will miss the rest of the week as well. He is running a high fever and is at times delirious. He got up in the middle of the night and tried to go outside. Another time he got up and opened the fridge. When you try to talk to him, he just babbles nonsense. He is saying words, but it does not make sense. If it wasn't so sad, it'd be funny.

Because I am working three days a week now (at the preschool), hubby had to take off work and stay home with our son. Yes, I could have taken off, but it's only the second week of school! I hated to do that, so hubby agreed to stay home. He said it was almost ironic that he was sitting at home on the day he was hoping to be sitting in a classroom.

This house is depressing.

I'm Feeling

For some reason, the only thing I want to do is lie in bed and cry today. I'm not feeling victorious, hopeful, or optimistic right now.

Hubby is angry with me. I don't want to give out too many details, but I bet you can figure it out. It goes back to that old saying, "money and sex, never enough of either one." He would definitely agree with the latter.

I've just not been in "the mood" lately. Okay, I haven't been in "the mood" for a long time. And he's angry. Says he will just stop even bringing it up anymore.

I know this is dangerous territory to put a porn addict in. Rejection from wife, feelings of inadequacy, feelings that something is inately wrong with him. I know all of that in my mind, but I just can't convince my body it's worth the time and effort right now.

Maybe subconsciously I'm testing him. Maybe subconsciously something is deeply rooted in me that I can't identify or eradicate. Or maybe I'm just tired.

Tired of thinking, planning, analyzing, praying, hoping, wanting, waiting. Tired.

I'm going to lie down.