What Am I Thinking?

While at storytime at the local library with my 2-year-old this morning, I realized I was once again scanning the room looking at all the moms and wondering if pornography was ever or is currently an issue in their marriage. In my twisted little imagination, I imagine us all getting locked in the storytime room, all the kids going to sleep, and me taking a poll of the mommies there. Asking them questions like, "To your knowledge, has your hubby ever viewed online porn?, etc." I hear statistics all the time about how prevalent porn use is, and I would love to be able to do my own unofficial polling. Weird I know, but nonetheless, I think about these like that.

Of course, you cannot tell by outward appearance. There are times however that I feel I am thinking so loudly that surely the people around me know what's going on in my head. On days I feel good and secure, I think about it in the way I described above, as a reaching-out, I'm here-to-help-you kind of way. On days I feel this fight is hopeless, it is different. For example, if I had found out yesterday that my hubby viewed porn that day, my storytime thoughts would have been like this, "Hubby would find her hot." "She is so much prettier than me." "I am such a slob in these jeans." "Which one of these would hubby go for?" And it goes on and on.

After over a year of recovery, I have gotten better at not letting these thoughts control me. I can't say I never think them, but I have gotten to the point where they do not consume me. The irony is that this makes me more sympathetic to hubby when he talks about struggling with his thought life i.e., lust. It is VERY HARD! He struggles with lust, I struggle with obsessing about his struggle with lust. Exhausting.

The bottom line is this. The Bible says we are to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. God can do this if we allow him to. It is a minute-by-minute transformation. And it is exhausting. But the Bible also says to come to Him you are weary and burdened. And I don't know a spouse of any addict who would not fit that category.