Discouraged

Hubby and I did not communicate very well last night. Every time we tried to talk, the result was aggravation leading to anger. We finally decided it was better if we did not try to talk at all.

It was a very hard day for hubby. He's had alot of hard days lately. Just thinking about his friend sitting in a prison cell is almost too much for him to handle. He would not answer his phone last night when some of his group members and his accountability partner tried to call. It is ironic that when he feels his worst, and when he needs someone to talk to the most, he won't reach out for help.

I did come out and ask him if he was clean. He promises he is. I'm trying to believe him.

Hubby is also doubting his calling to the ministry. He is starting to feel like it was all a cruel joke. School is supposed to start in August, and he does not have tuition, a new job, or the $800 (!) for books. How did we ever think we could do this? I try to be encouraging to him, but to be honest, I don't know what to say exactly. Now that we have told everyone about our "calling," it's as if we don't feel it anymore. We're afraid we're going to end up looking like idiots. Where is that feeling of certainty we had just a few weeks ago? And where is God?

I am so easily swayed these days. I want to tell hubby God will work it out, but I can't get the words to come out of my mouth.

Where is my faith? Why can I not just put this in God's hands?

Hubby does have an interview tomorrow. It is for a part-time job at a Christian bookstore, so I'm sure they would be more flexible with his school schedule than some. However, if tuition money does not literally fall out of the sky, he won't even need this job.

Discouragement. That's what our home is full of right now. And I hate it.

Hard Day

Hello friends,

This is a hard day for hubby and I. This is the day our good friend has to report to prison. Of course, he and his wife are on my heart and in my thoughts today.

I talked to them both last night, and I made the wife promise to call me on her way home. What a long drive home she has. Alone. I could not sleep last night. Every time I woke up I was thinking about them. Wondering if they would sleep a wink or stay up talking all night. That was their last night together for three years.

Please say a prayer for this family today. Even though you do not know their names, God knows who they are.

Thank you,

Amy

The Next Step

I like to think that we have taken the next step in our "journey." We finally told my parents about hubby's decision to attend seminary and what we felt God was calling us to do. Granted, we did not get into details (like my hubby being addicted to internet porn), but we did share our heart for struggling marriages. My father was very quiet, and my mother asked some questions but not too many. I think they were in shock.

I also told my sister. I did get into a little more details with her, but still no mention of the porn, just that our marriage had hit bottom a few months ago. She said we were an "inspiration," and that meant alot to me. I always felt she was the "perfect" one in our family with a "perfect" marriage (like those exists!?). However, she readily admitted that they in fact had their own share of troubles. We are planning on the four of us getting together over supper one day in the near future to share more.

Sunday was perhaps the most moving day. We went forward and dedicated our lives to the Lord and to His service. Our pastor presented us to the church as having "surrendered to the ministry." For some reason, that phrase makes me crazy, and I want to scream out, 'No, he's not a preacher, he's going into counseling, Christian counseling!" The pastor did eventually get around to the fact that hubby was enrolling in Marriage & Family Therapy. But anyway, we stood up front and everyone came by and offered words of support and encouragement. That was a great moment, very uplifting. We found out people had been praying for us and they did not even know why they were being led to pray for us. They came up to us and said, "Now I know why." Amazing.

So we feel a great burden lifted. Everyone knows now. What a relief. Funny thing is, nobody knows about the porn addiction. Well, just a few people do. And that's okay. I have come to realize that everyone does not need to know about that. Only if it will benefit the person or bring praise to the Lord would we disclose that piece of info. Otherwise, we feel comfortable saying, "You know what, our marriage was not what we were pretending it to be. In fact, the devil was working overtime to tear us apart and came very close to succeeding." "But through God's grace and mercy, our marriage survived and yours can too." There are issues behind every marriage. The feelings are all the same. So unless we discern a person really needs to know about the specific porn issue in our marriage, we will just give hope and encouragement through our Lord Jesus Christ no matter what the issue.

Now to where I am today, in this very moment.

I am struggling with believing. Believing God can provide money for school and money for us to live on. I am struggling with believing that God is going to do what He has promised us. I am just struggling. I pray for faith, every night I do, but the next day the thoughts are back in my mind. How is this possible? This is a ridiculous pipe dream. How can you even think you can help other couples when you don't have it together yourself?

This is the devil I know. Get thee behind me, Satan! I want to believe in God's perfect and pleasing will. I pray this for my hubby as well. He is having a hard day at work today. He is in a "bad place." He is feeling fearful, hopeless, useless, and worthless. In his own words, he says his "thoughts are everywhere today." Translated this means, "I am struggling with lustful thoughts today." I tried to encourage him. To lift Him up. I'm not sure I did, but I tried.

Also, our friend found out that he has to report to prison on July 8th. That is weighing heavy on our hearts and minds. I am still in contact with his wife. She is understandably anxious and depressed about losing her husband, her best friend, for three years.

I told my hubby that anytime I want to give up on this seminary dream, I think about what they are going through. If they can survive the next three years, surely we can too.

I pray for your marriage today. I pray for your husband's recovery. I pray for your recovery. I pray that God will show Himself to you today in a special way. I consider you my friend, and I am praying for you.

Through The Eyes of a Child

My son has his first "spend-the-night" guest tonight. A friend from down the street. They are pretty new in this neighborhood, and he and my son have really hit it off.

The thing I find amazing is that our guest's skin color is not the color of ours, and no one seems to notice or even more importantly, care.

I find that extremely refreshing. You could argue that as they get older things will change, but I don't think so. I think our children are growing up in a culture where skin color is a non-issue. Shame on the parents who make it one.

He's In!

Hubby received an e-mail yesterday stating he has been accepted to seminary! Wow! What an amazing moment! God is taking a guy with a degree in turfgrass management and putting him into a marriage and family therapy program at a seminary! Who would have ever imagined? Only God.

And only God can make this happen. I say this because we have no answers to any of our questions. The questions about money, living arrangements, money, class schedules, jobs, money, and oh yeah, did I mention money?

As you know, we have really strived this year to become debt-free or closer to it anyway. We have done well although we are not there yet. We are saving more and more money and I feel good about that. However, we have nowhere near a college education saved up. And we still have to pay our monthly bills. Oh, my dear God in heaven, what do you have in store for us?

Hubby was excited as he read the e-mail. He really needed this confirmation...it did wonders for his psyche. It only took him about 2.5 minutes to go from excitement to nervous fear however. God, I pray for our faith to rest solely in you. When my hubby graduates from seminary, we will have no other choice but to look back and say "It was all because of You."

Our nemesis, the devil, wasted no time as usual. Hubby called me from work this morning and sounded very defeated. He told me about a dream he had. A dream so vivid he felt as if he should call and confess to me and apologize. He dreamed he was in front of a computer binging on porn.

My hubby has been sober from internet porn since January. He had a slip-up in the September before that. Before that one, he had stayed sober for almost 9 months.

However, this dream got to him. He said it was the most vivid dream he has ever had. It really shook him up. I tried to encourage him by reminding him of the truth and encouraging him to look toward the future and not the past.

With that said, I would like to end with this thought. Beth Moore has a bible study called "Stepping Up." My church is doing this together on Wednesday nights. As you might know, Beth has a past history of abuse. She states that she never wants to forget the pain. That may sound strange, but I so know where she is coming from.

I never want to forget the pain I felt after discovering my hubby's "secret life." I never want to forget the despair and hopelessness I felt after discovering I had been lied to over and over for years on end. I never want to forget the feeling of my heart literally breaking inside me and silently crying out for someone, anyone, to care enough to ask.

I do not want to forget the pain. Why? Because if I can remember the pain, I will be more equipped to come alongside others and truly listen. Listen and know their pain. Please, God, never let me forget.

Thank you for reading this post. I was excited to share this news with you guys! Please pray for us as I know the devil will be after my hubby more than ever. I will keep you informed.

Amy

An Evening with Rose

I must start by saying Happy Father's Day to all the fathers out there. I hope you are having a peaceful, easy day!

My hubby is working on this Father's Day....not all day though. He was at church with us this morning but had to leave immediately after. I bought him Krispy Kreme donuts and a Diet Coke along with a balloon for Father's Day. Food always works with him.

Hubby has had a hard few days lately. I can tell by the way he's been acting. Edgy. Quiet. Easily irritated. Overall just a grump. Bless his heart, he tries so hard, but just a simple trip to Wal-Mart can be overwhelming for him. The only comment he made yesterday after the Wal-Mart trip was how he is so sick of how women/girls dress during the summer months. He said he was "this close" to walking up to one of them and telling them just what they are doing.

Later in the day, our neighbor behind us was having trouble with some of her yard work, and I told hubby it would be nice if he went and helped her out. But he wouldn't. He couldn't. Too much of a temptation. Yes, she is very pretty, just his type in fact. And she dresses very skimpily to do her yard work. On one hand, I am very proud of him for realizing his limit and saying no. On the other hand, I want to scream and say, "Get over this already!" Geez, I mean, will there ever be a time he can see our neighbor and not want to jump her bones? (or whatever it is he wants to do to her)? I have improved in my reactions to situations such as these however. I accept it and move on. He did what he needed to do for his recovery, and I let it go at that. Do I wish he could have walked over, been a good neighbor, and helped her out? Yes. Do I wish he could walk up to any beautiful woman and not be overwhelmed by lustful thoughts? Yes, of course. But I guess until he can do this, he will just have to stay away from those beautiful women.

I wanted to tell you of a good experience we had as a family yesterday evening. Have you ever thought about someone, maybe someone you don't even know too well, and God just puts them on your heart to call? That happened to me yesterday and for once I obeyed the voice of God. I called Ms. Rose. Ms. Rose is around 80 years old and goes to our church. We don't know Ms. Rose that well, but she is always sweet and kind and I had heard she knew alot about plants and flowers. So I called Ms. Rose and asked if we could come "tour" her backyard. She said yes, and we all loaded up and went.

We arrived there and she began telling us story after story of each and every plant. The lilies she brought from her old house when she moved, the amaryllis she got from her mother almost 60 years ago, etc. Each plant had a story, and she was eager to tell it. It was a beautiful garden, and hubby and I got lots of good tips, and we even left with three different sorts of bulbs to plant. Thanks to Ms. Rose, we'll have something to look forward to in the spring!

I never knew Ms. Rose's husband, and I have never met her two children. Here's what I want to share with you. Standing in Ms. Rose's kitchen, I had a sobering thought. Standing there listening to her talk about her dog, her plants, her church, and her God, I got weak in the knees. Who will I be when it is just me? Fifty years from now, when my dear husband has passed and my children are gone, who will I be?

It is hard for me to fathom the thought of one day in the future someone knowing me without knowing my husband and children. I can't imagine what I will be like when I have no hubby or kids to take care of. Will I continue to be faithful to my God? I believe so. Will I continue to be active in my church? I hope so. Will I be eager and willing to share with younger women the story of my marriage? I pray I will.

The evening with Ms. Rose took us away to a serene place. A place where there are no visually-tempting neighbors and no internet-tempting computers. There was just peace. I felt it and hubby felt it. It did him such good. I don't know who benefited the most, us or Ms. Rose. She surely loved telling us her story, and isn't that what we all want? Someone just to listen to our story?

I thanked Ms. Rose for letting us come into her home. She invited us back anytime. When we saw her at church this morning, she grinned a little brighter at my children, and they went and gave her a hug. After attending church with her for six years, we finally know Ms. Rose. And we are all better for it.

Our "Fight"

So I told you I would post about our fight. It was really more of a discussion, a one-way discussion. Okay, I really just got chewed out by my hubby. It's not really that exciting, and it is even a little humorous when I look back on it, but I will tell you about it anyway.

We have a friend in the hospital and we were going to visit her. Kids were not with us, it was just me and hubby.

Now before we left for the hospital, hubby had made "a move" (I'm not sure the most appropriate way to say that), and I had turned him down cold. But I had my reasons! I wanted to finish my work, get supper done, go to the hospital, come home, and then maybe we could arrange a rendezvous. After all the other stuff on my list was done. Get it?

So hubby was furious. As noted in a previous post, he gets rejected alot. I'm just not into it. My doctor says it's my birth control pills and that if I stop taking them, my libido would come back. But that's not a risk we are willing to take. We are happy with our two happy, healthy children and would like to think our little family is finished growing.

Anyway, we're in the truck. Hubby lays into me. He basically says something has got to change and this time it ain't him. I've never seen him quite so animated and belligerent about not getting any. He was really in bad shape. I just kept saying, "I don't know what to do." Finally, he looked at me, banged his fists on the steering wheel while yelling "HAVE SEX!!!"

That's the funny part that we've laughed about since then. He yelled at me to have sex. Strangely funny.

The part of the one-way discussion I did not like was when he talked about how hard he is trying to stay pure and clean and porn-free but that not getting any on the homefront made it unbelievably difficult. I felt a little threatened by this, as if he was saying to me, "if you don't do this, I have no other choice but to do that."

I have come to the conclusion that hubby and I have never had a healthy sexual relationship. I told him when he becomes a certified counselor, I want to be his first client. I have lots of hangups when it comes to being intimate.

Hubby is better now of course, (and I'm sure you can guess why), but how do I keep this from happening again? Yeah, yeah, I know, have sex.