Things have been up and down here lately. Hubby and I haven't been in the best of moods. Most of it my fault because of my "issue." My issue being, can I say it and not be judged? Lack of libido. No sex drive. Cold. Frigid. Prude. And the adjectives could go on and on. Hubby gets so frustrated, and I completely understand, I do, but it's like I can't make myself feel frisky when I don't, ya know? I could analyze myself to death over this and try to figure out why I'm like this but I have a feeling even when I figure it out, I would still be this way. (Refer to quote in post below). I've gotta do something or hubby is going to go crazy, er, crazier. Anyway, I don't want to take up the whole post on this issue-although I'm sure I could-but I would like to know if any of my readers deal with this problem - please tell me I'm not alone! Is there anyone else out there that could take it or leave it where sex is concerned?
Something pretty cool happened today, and I would like to share it with you. My husband goes to Celebrate Recovery every Sunday night he can. This means he misses church with his family. I don't really like that, but I like it less when he is not in recovery, so I don't fuss. Anyway, since he is not with me at church, I get the questions. Where is Brad? Is Brad okay? Is Brad sick tonight? Are you by yourself? Where is that deadbeat husband of yours? (Okay, the last one has never been said, but I see it in their faces). I have been covering for him by usually saying he is in a meeting and leaving it at that. But I'm sick of it. So now I'm going to say it. I'm going to stand up straight and say "He is at Celebrate Recovery."
So I did this Sunday night. Well, I did it 50% of the time. About four people asked, and with two of them I stood up straight and said, "He is at Celebrate Recovery." The other two was a little intimidating, and I said, "He's at a meeting." Well, forgive me. This is a new skill I'm learning.
I told two people. And guess what? One of those people called our house today. She talked to Brad for about half-an-hour or longer. Come to find out she had a problem with prescription drugs a few years ago and because of her job is required to attend meetings, be drug tested, etc. Whoa! This is a girl we considered our friend, she is in our Sunday School class, and we did not know. Granted, we did not know her when she was struggling with her addiction, but apparently when we met her she had not been clean but for a few months. And we didn't know anything. She shared with hubby her struggles and how she had wanted to share with someone in the Sunday School class, but she did not think anyone would understand. She thought she would be shunned. Oh, how sad. But thank the Lord, she has shared her story now and I pray she feels a peace and comfort in the fact that she is not alone in her recovery. Even though her and hubby are recovering from very different things, the process is probably alot the same.
Maybe, just maybe, there are more people sitting in our church pews wanting to scream for help. Perhaps, just perhaps, they are sitting in the pews of your church.
I'm thankful I told her where hubby was that night, and because of her courage, I will tell 100% of the people that ask. Then I'll sit back and watch God work.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Hubby's Visit
Hubby went to visit his cuz in prison this past weekend. He says it was very emotional for both of them. I will try and describe to you what he said it was like.
Of course when you arrive you have to be processed. Hubby had already been approved as a visitor, but there were more forms he had to fill out once he arrived. Everyone had to have a picture on file, and since this was hubby's first visit, he had to have his picture made. Once they were done with the processing, they were put in a line. Every other person or so would be pulled to the side and patted down. They would go through one door and stop until everyone was in and the door was closed behind them. Then the next door would open and so forth.
The visiting area was a room about the size of my house (which is pretty small). The visitors were taken in and asked to find a seat. Then they sat and waited for their family member/friend/prisoner person to enter the room. Hubby estimated 200 or more people were in there by the end of the day. All talking at the same time with concrete floors and walls. The echo was almost unbearable. And there was absolutely no privacy. You just pulled up a couple of chairs and sat and talked to each other.
The saddest thing to me was the fact that Steven (that's not his real name, but just for the sake of the story, I'll call him that) could not get up once he sat down. The visitors could get up and move around, go to the vending machine, bathroom, etc. But the prisoners came in the room, sat down, and could not get back up. If they did, they were escorted back to their cell. This saddened me. I'm not sure why exactly. I guess it just hit home that they have absolutely no freedom. None.
They visited for about two hours and then the call came for all visitors to leave. The prisoners stood on a line and were escorted out the back door to a place hubby never got to see. Steven had told hubby that he would be strip searched after he left. Again, no freedom, no privacy.
Yes, Steven broke the law. He was online chatting with what he thought was a minor but all the time was the FBI. Steven is not a bad person. In fact, he is one of the best people I know.
Therefore the purpose of this post: This can happen to anyone. If it can happen to Steven, believe me it can happen to you or your hubby. I would have never dreamed in a million years that Steven would be there. Not a million years. I believe if every would-be-sex-offender or would-be-criminal of any sort had to tour a prison, it might act as a great deterrant.
Now I must speak of how this has affected my hubby. I asked him point blank how this has affected his recovery. He said there was a positive and a negative aspect. Of course, the positive aspect is just what I mentioned above. He sees what can happen if you allow your lust/flesh to completely take over and he does not want to lose his family and end up in jail. Great reasons to continue in an active recovery! On the other hand, it is very depressing. And the sadder my hubby gets, the more disconnected he becomes from me and all the guys in his group. The more disconnected he becomes, the more isolated he becomes. The more isolated he becomes, the more he feels inadequate. And boom. He acts out.
Now this has not happened and I pray it does not. But he is certainly at the depressing, sad, and disconnected stage right now. We've hardly talked at all this week and when we have tried to talk we both ended up with bad attitudes toward each other.
I do have a praise though! On the way to the prison, there are two adult bookstores with huge flashing red XXX signs inviting you in. I had forgotten all about the fact that hubby would have to pass these. (I missed a great opportunity to worry!) :) Nonetheless, he made it past them, but said he was quite anxious. He called his accountability partner and talked to him until he was past the exit.
On a completely different and lighter note, I have a cousin in the hospital having a baby boy right now! Hopefully soon I'll be getting a phone call saying baby boy is here and healthy. I'll let you know!
Have a great day everyone.
Of course when you arrive you have to be processed. Hubby had already been approved as a visitor, but there were more forms he had to fill out once he arrived. Everyone had to have a picture on file, and since this was hubby's first visit, he had to have his picture made. Once they were done with the processing, they were put in a line. Every other person or so would be pulled to the side and patted down. They would go through one door and stop until everyone was in and the door was closed behind them. Then the next door would open and so forth.
The visiting area was a room about the size of my house (which is pretty small). The visitors were taken in and asked to find a seat. Then they sat and waited for their family member/friend/prisoner person to enter the room. Hubby estimated 200 or more people were in there by the end of the day. All talking at the same time with concrete floors and walls. The echo was almost unbearable. And there was absolutely no privacy. You just pulled up a couple of chairs and sat and talked to each other.
The saddest thing to me was the fact that Steven (that's not his real name, but just for the sake of the story, I'll call him that) could not get up once he sat down. The visitors could get up and move around, go to the vending machine, bathroom, etc. But the prisoners came in the room, sat down, and could not get back up. If they did, they were escorted back to their cell. This saddened me. I'm not sure why exactly. I guess it just hit home that they have absolutely no freedom. None.
They visited for about two hours and then the call came for all visitors to leave. The prisoners stood on a line and were escorted out the back door to a place hubby never got to see. Steven had told hubby that he would be strip searched after he left. Again, no freedom, no privacy.
Yes, Steven broke the law. He was online chatting with what he thought was a minor but all the time was the FBI. Steven is not a bad person. In fact, he is one of the best people I know.
Therefore the purpose of this post: This can happen to anyone. If it can happen to Steven, believe me it can happen to you or your hubby. I would have never dreamed in a million years that Steven would be there. Not a million years. I believe if every would-be-sex-offender or would-be-criminal of any sort had to tour a prison, it might act as a great deterrant.
Now I must speak of how this has affected my hubby. I asked him point blank how this has affected his recovery. He said there was a positive and a negative aspect. Of course, the positive aspect is just what I mentioned above. He sees what can happen if you allow your lust/flesh to completely take over and he does not want to lose his family and end up in jail. Great reasons to continue in an active recovery! On the other hand, it is very depressing. And the sadder my hubby gets, the more disconnected he becomes from me and all the guys in his group. The more disconnected he becomes, the more isolated he becomes. The more isolated he becomes, the more he feels inadequate. And boom. He acts out.
Now this has not happened and I pray it does not. But he is certainly at the depressing, sad, and disconnected stage right now. We've hardly talked at all this week and when we have tried to talk we both ended up with bad attitudes toward each other.
I do have a praise though! On the way to the prison, there are two adult bookstores with huge flashing red XXX signs inviting you in. I had forgotten all about the fact that hubby would have to pass these. (I missed a great opportunity to worry!) :) Nonetheless, he made it past them, but said he was quite anxious. He called his accountability partner and talked to him until he was past the exit.
On a completely different and lighter note, I have a cousin in the hospital having a baby boy right now! Hopefully soon I'll be getting a phone call saying baby boy is here and healthy. I'll let you know!
Have a great day everyone.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
A Great Quote
I wanted to share a quote from a book I am reading. It is from "Out of Control and Loving It" by Lisa Bevere. Hope you are having a good day!
"You can spend your whole life figuring out why you are messed up and still be messed up once you've figured it out."
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Sad Hubby-Sick Son
Today was supposed to be a wonderful, life-changing day. This is the day classes began at the seminary.
Is hubby there? No. Hubby is not starting seminary this fall nor this spring. We will be praying he starts fall 2009. I keep telling hubby to trust God's timing--believe His timing is best. And look at it this way, another year to find the right job, save more money, and get mentally prepared for this challenge. I'm saying all this to hubby, but all he feels is another big, fat disappointment in his life. Another failure.
To add to this, our son is sick. Now, our son does not get sick often but when he does it is usually a doozy. He has already missed two days of school and it looks like he will miss the rest of the week as well. He is running a high fever and is at times delirious. He got up in the middle of the night and tried to go outside. Another time he got up and opened the fridge. When you try to talk to him, he just babbles nonsense. He is saying words, but it does not make sense. If it wasn't so sad, it'd be funny.
Because I am working three days a week now (at the preschool), hubby had to take off work and stay home with our son. Yes, I could have taken off, but it's only the second week of school! I hated to do that, so hubby agreed to stay home. He said it was almost ironic that he was sitting at home on the day he was hoping to be sitting in a classroom.
This house is depressing.
Is hubby there? No. Hubby is not starting seminary this fall nor this spring. We will be praying he starts fall 2009. I keep telling hubby to trust God's timing--believe His timing is best. And look at it this way, another year to find the right job, save more money, and get mentally prepared for this challenge. I'm saying all this to hubby, but all he feels is another big, fat disappointment in his life. Another failure.
To add to this, our son is sick. Now, our son does not get sick often but when he does it is usually a doozy. He has already missed two days of school and it looks like he will miss the rest of the week as well. He is running a high fever and is at times delirious. He got up in the middle of the night and tried to go outside. Another time he got up and opened the fridge. When you try to talk to him, he just babbles nonsense. He is saying words, but it does not make sense. If it wasn't so sad, it'd be funny.
Because I am working three days a week now (at the preschool), hubby had to take off work and stay home with our son. Yes, I could have taken off, but it's only the second week of school! I hated to do that, so hubby agreed to stay home. He said it was almost ironic that he was sitting at home on the day he was hoping to be sitting in a classroom.
This house is depressing.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
We Survived!
We survived the first week of school! It went well. Unfortunately my daughter had a sinus infection and did not feel too good. Even so, she went into her classroom without any tears or hesitation. Thank God! My class is going to be a good one I think. I have eight children, 4 boys and 4 girls. I have some really talkative girls and some really quiet boys! They are all unique in their own way, and I cannot wait to get to know them throughout this year and see them grow into kids who are ready for "big school!"
I work three mornings a week from 8 - 12 and sometimes I will have to stay until 1:30. When I get home I immediately try to get daughter down for a nap so that I can get on the computer and start my transcribing. To say the least, I am tired at night, but it's a good tired.
The extra money will come in handy too. I get paid twice a month and we decided to put one of those checks into our savings account and the other check toward hubby's truck note. This is our plan. Maybe we can stick to it. As I've mentioned in the past, the winter time is our hardest time financially because hubby works absolutely no overtime. There may be a month or two where we have to use my checks just to make it through the month. That will be okay too I guess.
I really want to thank God for this job. He provided it--and I'm so thankful.
Now we're wondering if He will provide a job for hubby. As you know, hubby wanted to start seminary this fall. However, that will not happen. Classes start next week and hubby has no job to accommodate his class schedule. No, this seminary does not offer night classes or online classes. So hubby needs a night job in order to go to class during the day. We're praying he can start in the spring or at least by next fall.
I would like to ask all my readers to click over to my friend Michael's blog, http://the-confessions-of-a-porn-addict.blogspot.com and give him some encouragement. We all need it now and then, don't we?
I had a very, very interesting comment posted on an old post of mine. I am going to be posting in response to that very soon--as soon as I figure out exactly what I want to say.
I hope everyone had a good week and a good worship service this morning. This is the second week I've posted on a Sunday. It's really the only good time I have to do it. Hubby and daughter are asleep and son is playing at a friend's house.
Thanks for reading,
Amy
I work three mornings a week from 8 - 12 and sometimes I will have to stay until 1:30. When I get home I immediately try to get daughter down for a nap so that I can get on the computer and start my transcribing. To say the least, I am tired at night, but it's a good tired.
The extra money will come in handy too. I get paid twice a month and we decided to put one of those checks into our savings account and the other check toward hubby's truck note. This is our plan. Maybe we can stick to it. As I've mentioned in the past, the winter time is our hardest time financially because hubby works absolutely no overtime. There may be a month or two where we have to use my checks just to make it through the month. That will be okay too I guess.
I really want to thank God for this job. He provided it--and I'm so thankful.
Now we're wondering if He will provide a job for hubby. As you know, hubby wanted to start seminary this fall. However, that will not happen. Classes start next week and hubby has no job to accommodate his class schedule. No, this seminary does not offer night classes or online classes. So hubby needs a night job in order to go to class during the day. We're praying he can start in the spring or at least by next fall.
I would like to ask all my readers to click over to my friend Michael's blog, http://the-confessions-of-a-porn-addict.blogspot.com and give him some encouragement. We all need it now and then, don't we?
I had a very, very interesting comment posted on an old post of mine. I am going to be posting in response to that very soon--as soon as I figure out exactly what I want to say.
I hope everyone had a good week and a good worship service this morning. This is the second week I've posted on a Sunday. It's really the only good time I have to do it. Hubby and daughter are asleep and son is playing at a friend's house.
Thanks for reading,
Amy
Sunday, August 10, 2008
"You'll Fit Right In"
'You'll Fit Right In Mrs. Amy's class!" That's what my door says on top with a puzzle on the bottom with a child's name on each piece. I guess it's a cute idea, but I had to use different colored letters and various sizes of letters because of availability. I think it would look better in all black, but there were not enough black letters to say all that.
This door looks pretty good until you walk down the hall and see some of the works of art on the other doors. Wow, some people are really talented!
The parents come to the school today to meet me and see their child's room. Then I meet the children tomorrow but they do not stay all day (just an hour). Tuesday is our first "official" day of preschool.
BTW, yesterday was mine and hubby's 11th anniversary! I cannot believe it has been 11 LONG years already! We did absolutely nothing. And I mean nothing. That's okay though. We celebrated last year for our 10th. We'll probably do something fun again for the 15th. But the 11th just kind of got passed over. We were together all day and although hubby has been pretty grumpy lately, it was overall a good day.
Have a great Lord's Day!
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Have I Told You?
It just dawned on me that I do not think I have told you what new "adventure" I am starting tomorrow!
I have agreed to teach 4-year-old preschool at a church here in town. I am very excited about this! I graduated from college with a degree in Elementary Education so this is going back to my roots so to speak. I have not taught in a long time. The last time I did so was 2-year-old Mother's Morning Out, and no offense to 2-year-olds, but I was mainly a glorified babysitter. I believe (and earnestly hope) that I will actually be teaching the 4-year-olds and getting them ready for "big school." I will have eight little ones, and I have been praying for the eight calmest 4-year-olds in this entire world to be in my class! I hope this is one prayer I get answered! BTW, my 3-year-old daughter will be at the same preschool in her own class. This is the main reason I am doing this. I wanted her to be socialized, but I wanted it to be tuition-free :)
My stress-out is this: I have to decorate my door. Something cutesy, you know? You should also know I am not a cutesy sort of girl. At all. But, guess what? My hubby is actually good at that sort of thing. ( I know, who would have thought?) He has brainstormed with me and we have come up with an idea (with a little help from online examples as well). I don't want to tell you about it yet. I am going to take a picture of my door once it is completed and post it here. Please be gentle with your opinions. I've never had to do a door before. I hate bulletin boards, so a door seems overwhelming!
Anyway, to switch gears for a minute, something is in my eye. No really. Something has been in there since Sunday night and it is getting to me. It is not really painful, but it is quite annoying. I have an eye appointment tomorrow. The problem is I am not covered on hubby's vision insurance. There is no telling how much this will cost. I am praying that whatever this is will heal on its own so we don't have to spend the money. For some reason, that verse about removing the plank from your own eye before trying to remove your brother's speck keeps coming to mind........
Love y'all.
I have agreed to teach 4-year-old preschool at a church here in town. I am very excited about this! I graduated from college with a degree in Elementary Education so this is going back to my roots so to speak. I have not taught in a long time. The last time I did so was 2-year-old Mother's Morning Out, and no offense to 2-year-olds, but I was mainly a glorified babysitter. I believe (and earnestly hope) that I will actually be teaching the 4-year-olds and getting them ready for "big school." I will have eight little ones, and I have been praying for the eight calmest 4-year-olds in this entire world to be in my class! I hope this is one prayer I get answered! BTW, my 3-year-old daughter will be at the same preschool in her own class. This is the main reason I am doing this. I wanted her to be socialized, but I wanted it to be tuition-free :)
My stress-out is this: I have to decorate my door. Something cutesy, you know? You should also know I am not a cutesy sort of girl. At all. But, guess what? My hubby is actually good at that sort of thing. ( I know, who would have thought?) He has brainstormed with me and we have come up with an idea (with a little help from online examples as well). I don't want to tell you about it yet. I am going to take a picture of my door once it is completed and post it here. Please be gentle with your opinions. I've never had to do a door before. I hate bulletin boards, so a door seems overwhelming!
Anyway, to switch gears for a minute, something is in my eye. No really. Something has been in there since Sunday night and it is getting to me. It is not really painful, but it is quite annoying. I have an eye appointment tomorrow. The problem is I am not covered on hubby's vision insurance. There is no telling how much this will cost. I am praying that whatever this is will heal on its own so we don't have to spend the money. For some reason, that verse about removing the plank from your own eye before trying to remove your brother's speck keeps coming to mind........
Love y'all.
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