A Small, Guilt-Filled Rant

My friend and I had a great time working the booth at the State Fair for Operation Christmas Child. We talked to ALOT of people. Some had never heard of it, so we got to tell them all about this great ministry! Others who passed by had been participating in this ministry for years, so they got to tell us all about it! It was a fast four hours. Next year I hope to work more at this booth. I would love to work it with Brad. This would definitely get him out of his comfort zone. He has a hard time talking to strangers (funny, since he is desperately wanting to become a marriage counselor, huh?).


I am still in my "spiritual funk." How do you pray to get out of the funk when you can't seem to pray at all? No matter, I desperately want to reclaim the intimacy God and I once shared.


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Before I start this rant, let me say I love the church. The church as a whole, and my individual church. I love my church. I really do. But, there are a few things that are driving us crazy right now.


For example, the lack of true worship. We're sick of people "playing church"-us included. In fact, we could write the book on it. The title could be, "How to Appear Happy at Church When You Are Miserable."


For another example, passion. Passion about anything. I don't care if someone is passionate about sweeping the fellowship hall - I would just love to see some passion in this church. Now that I think about it, true worship and passion could be one in the same.


And for the last example, and perhaps the most dangerous of all, a pastor that cares. Oh dear God, please do not strike me down for typing that. But let me explain. Back in January, Brad and I sat in our pastor's office and poured our hearts out. Well, we didn't get into all the gory pornography details, but nevertheless, we told him our marriage was in trouble and that we needed help. We had hit rock bottom and wanted to let him, as our pastor, know it. We got the I'm-not-sure-what-to-say-but-I'm-sure-everything-will-work-out talk. He prayed with us, and I left somewhat encouraged, but apparently I left with the wrong expectations.


You see, I left expecting a phone call the next week or maybe the next month checking up on us. Or maybe I expected the occasional question about how we were making it. Perhaps I just expected any little sign that our conversation had not been totally wiped from his memory by some sort of freakish amnesia event. But, as I'm sure you can guess, my expectations were all wrong.


We have had no questions from our pastor about the state of our marriage, no phone call, no just-checking-in-with-you-guys conversation. Nothing. Would he have even cared if we got divorced?


Now, our marriage is stronger now than it was in January. So if he asks now, I would have good news to share with him. Maybe he thinks he can tell this from the "outside" and feels there is no need to ask and bring up old memories. Wrong. Also important to remember, since January, my husband has felt the calling of the Lord to be a marriage counselor. So if he is going to be a marriage counselor, that means we must have everything figured out, right? Wrong.


Let me share this tidbit of information from someone who has been there. It is never wrong to ask someone how their marriage is going. Because believe me, if their marriage is not going well, they are dying inside for someone to ask, someone to care, someone to give a whit whether their marriage makes it or crumbles around them. On the other hand, if their marriage is going great, they will also be glad to share that with you and maybe give you some good advice.


When Brad and I were at our worst, I would have given anything, and I mean anything, to have had just one person come alongside me and say, "Your marriage is important. Don't give up" But no one did. (I'm not counting my online friends - I don't know what I would have done without you guys - I'm talking about in-the-flesh people). Now, there is the argument that I didn't allow people to know enough about our hard times. And this may be true. Because remember, we were researching for the aforementioned book.


I am not sure what I wanted to accomplish with this post. I suppose asking for prayer would be a good place to end. Pray that this bitterness toward my pastor goes away. I do not want to hold any negative feelings against this man. I want to uplift him and encourage him and respect him as the leader of my church. But right now all I want to do is walk up to him and yell, "I'm getting a divorce. Thanks for all your help!"



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P.S. As mentioned earlier, I am in a sort of spiritual downturn. I'm having a hard time "connecting" with God right now. Maybe these feelings toward my church are the result of that. Maybe if I were where I was supposed to be with God, I would not be feeling angry with my pastor. Maybe. But maybe not.



P.S.S. I am feeling quite guilty as I am about to post this. How dare I speak negatively of my pastor....Lord, forgive me. Is this the unpardonable sin?

Catching Up

Still no news on the job. The man told Brad it would be a month before he made a decision. It's only been two weeks. The waiting is hard.



I haven't gotten a peace one way or the other about this job. I'm just letting the Lord work it out I guess. Or maybe I have new-job fatigue. We go through this process every couple years or so. The only reason this job is more on our minds is the fact that it would double Brad's income therefore making it more plausible for him to go to school.



To be honest, I've been in a spiritual funk the last few weeks. I am finding it hard to pray, read my Bible, and even attending church feels like a chore right now. Do you ever feel that way? I hate it--I really do. It's such a gradual falling away, and then one day you wake up and wonder if God even remembers your name.....



Brad and I are at a decent place right now. Not great, but not horrible. Just in the middle. Like everything else in our life. Not wonderful, not horrible. Just average.



I am going to our State Fair this afternoon with a friend of mine. We volunteered to work in a booth telling people about Operation Christmas Child. If you are not familiar with Samaritan's Purse and this ministry, please check it out at http://www.samaritanspurse.org/ and click on the flying shoebox logo on the right side of the page. This is a fun and easy ministry project that impacts children around the world. Please check it out! I'm sure you'll be hearing more about this from me later.

Hope everyone has a great weekend. Stay strong.

Fireproof - Go See It Now!

Unfortunately I did not get to see Fireproof on the all-anticipated opening weekend because we were on our camping trip.

Brad arranged for a babysitter (after several reminders that he had promised to do so), and took me to see this movie last night.

This is a gotta-see-now movie. My eyes are swollen this morning from crying. I swear the people at Sherwood have had hidden cameras in my house for the past three years and then wrote the script from their footage.

It is powerful. It is sad. It is funny. It is unpredictable. It is worshipful.

It will evoke emotions in you that you thought might have been buried. I know it did for me. It brought back the pain, but in a good, healing way.

If your marriage is not in a good place, go see this movie. If your marriage is in a good place and you are struggling to keep it there, go see this movie.

You will not be disappointed.

Our Weekend

Hey everybody! We had a great time on our camping trip! Even though we were not far from home, it was nice to get away from the house and the "real world" for a while. The kids had a blast. My son caught a fish while fishing with his uncle. My daughter played on the playground right by our camper. Brad and I played alot of tennis and rode bikes together. The last picture is of my little girl after we got home. She slept like that for quite a while! Too cute!

His interview went well. It was a long one, about three hours. He had to take a six-part test, everything from spelling to grammar to science. He took the test before he actually had the face-to-face interview. He did really well on the test, actually Brad scored more than the man interviewing him did. Maybe that counts for something. Brad has no confidence that he will get this job. He does not feel like he has the experience they are looking for. If he got this job, his income would double. Yes, double, what he makes now. We could get out of debt and start paying for school. But, the bad side to this is that he would be away from home two nights a week. There's all kinds of things to be said about that. I don't like it at all. I'm sure you can understand why.

I will keep you updated on the job. The guy told Brad it would be a while before he made a decision.

Hope you enjoy the pictures. I'm still not that adept at knowing how to post pictures, but I'm learning as I go. Thanks for thinking of us this weekend. Love you guys!

No Raise - No Overtime

If you read my last blog, you read about my husband not getting a raise this year.

When he got home yesterday, he handed me a letter from the mayor. It explained that no city employee would be able to work any overtime.

This may not seem like a big deal, but to us it is a very big deal. During the spring and summer, Brad works alot of weekends. He gets paid overtime for this of course. We take that money from the overtime and save it for the winter when he is not getting any overtime. I don't know what we would do without it.

Surprisingly, hubby took this pretty well. He says hopefully it will be worked out by next spring/summer.

Also, it's easier for him to take this news knowing he has this job interview today and he may be able to tell the City where to stick it soon.

He's at the interview right now. Say a quick prayer for him please! He was really, really nervous!

Thanks guys!

A Camping We Will Go....

We've had good moments this week and bad moments. I guess that means it was a "normal" week, huh?

First the bad.

In the span of two days, we found out that Brad's parents cannot (or will not?) help him with the cost of school. This bites. We were really assuming they would. Not that we want handouts or anything, but these are the people that bought us a computer and had it shipped to our door without any prior knowledge from us. Or the people that tried to buy us a refrigerator online until we found out about it and told them, politely, no thanks. We'll buy our own. The people that show up with four new tires shoved in their backseat for my vehicle. Don't get me wrong, it is definitely nice for them to do that kind of stuff, but it just gets weird sometimes. So maybe now you can see why we were a little surprised. Although I guess I need to remember that the price of a refrigerator does not really compare to the price of a graduate degree.

Next, we found out that Brad is not getting a raise this year. Remember, he works for the City's parks & rec department. The city budget is in a "crisis," so no city employees are getting raises this year. Not policemen, firemen, and especially not the guy who cuts all the grass on the fields (that would be my hubby.) An interesting sidenote to this is that the city put in a Splash Pad this summer. A water park of sorts. It cost a fortune. And it wasn't quite the hit that it was expected to be. Granted, it opened later than expected and we had alot of bad weather around its opening, but still it was a sort of disappointment. The city heads are saying next summer will be better since they will have a whole summer to work with. And hopefully better weather.

My husband feels like the city would have been better served to forego the splash pad and give raises to their employees! Of course, the city has told them that if the budget gets straightened out, etc. that they may receive raises yet. I'm not holding my breath. According to my husband, there are several thousand dollars "missing" and the city accountant has already left his job. Not sure if he was fired, pressured to leave, or what exactly. But it seems like it could get very interesting over the next year or so.

But maybe Brad will miss all that.

Now for the good.

First, Brad has a job interview tomorrow. Yeah! He is so excited. Trying not to get his hopes up but it's hard not to. He would be sales manager over guys traveling and selling landscape stuff. (Forgive me, but that's about as technical as I can get). We do have questions about the position, but he's almost sure it would be more money and no weekend work. I will keep you guys posted on how it goes.

Next, we're going camping this weekend. Yeah! We've waited months and months for this little weekend getaway, and I can't believe it is FINALLY here. My parents, my sister, her husband, and their two girls, and the four of us are going camping. This is a yearly tradition with my family. We usually find a state park and rent cabins. This year we changed it up a little bit and have rented campers at a campground near the water. I am so looking forward to it. Just sitting around, grilling, talking, eating, and doing nothing special. No cell phones, no computer, no TV. Ahhhh, heaven.

Well, I will be back next week as soon as I can. I will have to tell you about the interview. Just pray that this is THE JOB that will allow us to pay for Brad's classes and fulfill God's will. That is surely our prayer!

Love you guys!

Any Advice?

Would God call my husband to a ministry, then not give him the means to accomplish it?

Brad feels God has placed a call on his life to become a marriage counselor, especially to help men struggling with sexual issues.

The trouble is he needs a degree in marriage and therapy counseling to do this. The bigger trouble is that getting a master's degree is very, very expensive. The biggest trouble is that we do not have any money.

So what to do? We are determined not to take out another student loan (we're still paying off a student loan from a "going-back-to-school" stint my husband did a few years ago. )As strong as Brad feels this call on his life, we feel just as strongly about staying away from more crippling debt.

So what do we do?

Brad has applied to Liberty University. They offer the degree online. That would be the ideal setup. He could keep his day job and go to school too.

Does anyone know of a good grant, scholarship program, etc., for adults wanting to further their education? What do you think of the idea of us asking our church to help us? Or his parents? We're just not sure what to do.

Thanks for letting me vent my thoughts, however scattered they may be.

I hope you all had a worshipful experience at church this morning.

Love you guys.