I don't know about you, but when my marriage was on the brink, I did not share it with anyone. I suffered silently. Even my best friends and neighbors did not know. Even my mother and father did not know (and they still don't!). I ashamedly can say that I have the "act" down so good that no one even noticed something was terribly awry in my soul.
There were days I would stare out my kitchen window and look at other houses and wonder if there were hurting wives inside. I felt like jumping through the window and running as fast as I could. I wanted to scream for help, for someone to get me out of here, but it was like a nightmare in that when I opened my mouth, nothing would come out.
I also remember riding in the truck with hubby and kids and looking around at other couples in their vehicles and wondering if the wife felt trapped in there, like she couldn't breathe. I wanted to scream, I wanted to run away, I wanted to have the life I thought I had, the husband I thought I married.
But I had no one to share this with. Yes, I have friends, friends that really care about me, I'm sure. But my friends are either connected to my family or my church. And those were two groups I absolutely wanted to keep this from.
So here we are, a year-and-a-half down the road called recovery. Who knows now you ask? Well, it's a very, very small group, and we haven't had good luck.
- We shared with a couple in our church. We are very good friends, but they never ask how we are doing in respect to our marriage.
- We shared with our pastor and music minister. And do you know how many times the pastor has asked hubby how he is doing? Zero. Music minister? Zero.
- I shared via e-mail with a young lady that came to our church to sing. While there she shared how her marriage had gone through rough times. Perfect person to share our story with, right? Wrong. I received an e-mail back from her that was basically two lines. "Sorry this has happened to you. Good luck in the future." The end.
I would love to hear from you guys about how you have dealt with this issue. Does everyone in your "circle" know what's been going on? Or are you super secretive?
All I know is that at this moment my family does not know, my church family does not know, and my friends do not know.
But stay tuned......things are a-changing.
2 comments:
My h and I have had a similar experience. My h was actually arrested for asking a female, who turned out to only be 16, to pose for him to create his own web site. Of course, about everyone in the church knew about it as his picture was in the paper and we live in a small community. Thankfully no pictures were ever taken. The pastor of our church retired and our church found a new pastor, who didn't know about this, but my h did tell him. My h accepted a plea agreement and received 4 years of probation and had to attend counseling. My h would update the pastor and church board on his progress, but never once did they ask him about it. As a part of the treatment my h was not allowed to be around our minor children alone, I had to be present. For about 10 months he was also required to sleep away from our home. The pastor and church board all knew this, but never once did anyone ask me if I needed help with our 3 boys, or if my h and I were doing okay. I had one lady from the congregation that did ask about why my h had not been at church (for a while he was not allowed to attend church either). My h wanted to do a skit about fathers at church, but was not allowed to do it. Partly because there was something else already planned for the day he wanted to do it and I really think partially because the board knew about his problems. I wrote a letter the the pastor and board and they asked to meet with them. We pretty much were told that there were more people in the church than just us, that the church didn't revolve around us. That was not at all what I was wanting to happen. I know the church does not revolve around us, but we were hurting members of the church and it just seemed like we were not cared about. I must say that there was one time that a board member came to the house, however, that was only because my h told the pastor that he had graduated from his counseling and they just wanted to know what that meant in regards to his probation. Thankfully the probation is all overwith now and life can continue in a more normal way as my h has no other restrictions. My h was also allowed to come back into our home after 10 months and was allowed to be alone with our kids about 9 months before his probation was officially over. That was all because the huge improvements that my h has made. So I know exactly how you feel that you have reached out and shared, but no one who knows seems to care.
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It was sad to hear what your dear family has been through, but I'm glad to hear your h has made improvements! Praise God!
You said, "I know the church does not revolve around us, but we were hurting members of the church and it just seemed like we were not cared about."
This breaks my heart as well as makes me angry. When you are hurting, the church should revolve around you with prayers and encouragement and support. But so often this is not the case. It is such a sad commentary on the corporate church nowadays, isn't it?
I guess we both need to remember that we are not at church to worship/serve man, but we are there to worship God. Let's keep our eyes on Him because He is truly the only one who will never leave us nor forsake us!
Thanks again for sharing your story. I really appreciate it, and I'm sure it will help others as well.
Love,
Amy
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