Mute the Music

Forgot that I had music on my blog now. Boy, this is getting complicated!

To watch the trailer AND hear it without hearing my music at the same time, just scroll down and pause my playlist at the very bottom of my blog.

This is probably insulting to most of you, but I am still learning at all this so I'm just telling you what I would need someone to tell me!

Love you guys and enjoy the trailer! I wish we could all meet up at a theater and watch it together!

Click on Watch Videos and then click on Official Trailer. I read an article on this movie, and it hints that pornography is an issue between the on-screen couple. I am looking forward to seeing how they handle this subject. Just wanted to share this with you guys. Have a great day!

Psalm 56:8

This past weekend was the pits. And I don't really even know why. Hubby admitted he has been in "addict mode," but assured me he was not acting out. He was however struggling with lustful thoughts, memories of his past, and discouragement about his future. All in all, he was just in a bad place.


So was I. For some reason (I'm still trying to figure out the reason, if there even is one), I just wanted to cry all weekend. And I did cry alot. I cried whenever I could. I did have to stop crying Saturday morning in order to go to a ladies gettogether at church. And I know just when to stop crying so that my eyes recover and I don't get the question, "Have you been crying?" I learned that little trick right after my discovery about hubby's porn use. If I stopped crying by 2 p.m., he could not tell I had been crying when he arrived home from work. And I did not want him to know I was crying every single day. Back then my tears had meaning. My tears were therapeutic, cleansing me of the shame and disgust I was feeling inside. More importantly, my tears were bringing me ever so closer to my Maker, who took me in his arms and forever implanted these words on my heart, "Amy, fall into My arms, for I will never leave you nor forsake you." This verse still remains my favorite.


But back to the tears of the weekend. They were somewhat lacking in purpose. Friday night went pretty well until bedtime, until you-know-what was brought up. And you-know-who was not in the mood. Hubby, who remember is in addict mode, did not take to this very well. But bless his heart, he doesn't give up. Saturday morning he woke up early with one thing on his mind. Excuse me? The kids could be up any minute, are you crazy? This was it for him and once again, we had the discussion of discussions about our sex life. And all I could do was cry. The rest of Saturday was okay. Hubby did some things around the house that needed to be done, so I was really grateful for that. We had a good evening with our kids doing nothing special, but just hanging out at the house. Then came Saturday night bedtime. I knew hubby was still mad but now he was being stubborn as well. He went right to sleep. I guess he had given up on me.


Sunday morning I felt really strange at church. I had regressed to my old thoughts. Every female I saw was my enemy. Trying to steal my husband. Every female I saw was prettier than me. Built better than me. Peppier than me. And I'm sure each of them had a bigger sex drive than me. I felt little, invisible.


I fell apart when we got home. The tears would not stop. Hubby locked the door to our bedroom so the kids could not come in. He sat in a chair facing mine. I talked. I cried. I wanted hubby to take me into his arms and tell me he loved me. I just wanted to be in his arms period. He didn't have to say anything. But, as I have mentioned a couple of times already, hubby was in "addict mode," not "loving husband mode," so he could not give me what I needed. I don't necessarily blame him, but I just see it for what it is now. He said something that ticked me off, made me feel stupid for crying, and I just wanted to scream. When will they learn to take us into their arms and just let us cry?


"Amy, fall into My arms, for I will never leave you nor forsake you."

Now I Need Pictures

I hope you guys are patient as I "talk out" ways to make this blog better. I have realized that I need pictures. I have added music, now I need pictures. Don't you think?

Now I have been to some blogs that are just FULL of pictures and have very little text. That will not be me. But, I do think it will personalize this blog a little more if I add pics. That along witht the fact that I have two adorable children make me think I need pictures.

When I started this blog, I was obsessed about anonymity. I did not want anyone to know who I was. Now I'm not worried quite so much. I would feel very safe posting pics on here now.

So I guess I have to keep my camera handy. And I'm not the best picture-taker by the way. Like I said, I hope you guys are patient.

On a totally different note, and a sadder one, my hubby is SOOOOOOO down right now. Seeing that his dream of starting seminary is 99% shot right now, he is feeling like a failure.

He said to me last night that everything seemed to be going so smoothly before we shared our "vision" of what our future would look like with everyone. Our "call" so to speak. When no one knew what was going on, positive things seemed to be happening almost daily. Since we shared with our families, friends, and our church family, the brakes have been put on and as hubby put it, he is left looking like "an idiot."

He has shared with me that inadequacy is one of his core values that led to his porn addiction. He has never in his WHOLE LIFE felt "good enough," or adequate to complete any task that may lie ahead of him. And with that mindset, he usually lived up to his expectation.

Guys, I'm worried about him if this dream of becoming a counselor does not work out. He truly feels God has called him to do this; however, I can see severe depression ahead for him if this does not come to be. He will feel like the ultimate failure; the kind God himself could not even help.

Am I worried about him having a relapse into his addiction? Yes. The farther down in discouragement and despair he gets, the harder it is for him to resist. So yes, I am worried. But I have given it to the Lord.

I have tried to figure out a way to be encouraging to hubby, and this is what I've thought about doing. I'd like to know what you think. The end of this month marks 6 months of porn-free life for hubby. I thought about getting a babysitter and surprising hubby with a little celebration to commemorate this milestone. Is that corny? If you are the addict reading this, would you like your wife to do that or would it freak you out? I'm just curious.

Well, thanks for reading again today.

I've Got Music!

Hear it? Neat, huh?

Noticed alot of blogs were putting music on their blogs. Thought it added a nice touch. Check out the songs on my playlist. There are just a few; I suppose I can add more later? Not sure. I am definitely learning as I go.

Hope you enjoy the music. If not, just turn your volume down when you come here! But how could I go wrong with Mercy Me, Casting Crowns, Selah, Echoing Angels, and a little Rascal Flatts?!?

Faith versus Common Sense

As expected, last week was a very busy week. We had Vacation Bible School at church every night from Sunday through Thursday with Family Night on Friday night. Our VBS was very successful this year. Several kids indicated an interest in becoming a Christian. My son actually prayed and asked Jesus into his heart! We are thrilled! What a great joy as a parent to see your child make this decision!

I was a little concerned at first. I mean, he is quite young, ( 7 1/2 ) but after my hubby and I talked to him, I was convinced he knew exactly what he was doing and why. So now we are waiting to see when his baptism is scheduled. I have several family members that are planning on making the hour-long trip to see him get baptized. That will be a special day. I plan on buying him a nice Bible and giving it to him on that day.

A word on my hubby's seminary quest: Nothing. The word is nothing. God is still allowing nothing to happen. Hubby has not found a night job that would allow him to go to school during the day. He needs a part-time night job with good pay and good benefits. Not easy to come by.

This is my question to you and to God....Where should my common sense end and my faith begin? This is what I mean, if hubby is offered a job making $3 less an hour than he needs to make to pay all our bills, is God expecting us to use our common sense to say, "No, we can't take that job. It's impossible." Or is that where we should say, "No, we can't pay all our bills on $3 less an hour, but with God all things are possible."?

Does anybody get what I am saying? I'm having alot of trouble with common sense versus faith. Common sense tells you not to run out in the interstate at rush hour. Common sense tells you not to touch a red-hot stove eye. But if you had enough faith, could you say, "I'm running across these five lanes of traffic, and I have faith that God will keep me safe."

I brought this up to my hubby and he actually had a very good explanation. He basically said God would never ask you to do anything on faith that would bring you harm. Like running across five lanes of traffic. However, God might ask you to take a huge pay cut in order to bring Him glory and put you in His will, i.e., attending seminary.

I don't know. I want to have faith. I think I do have faith. But when it comes down to the livelihood of my family and my children having food to eat, maybe I'm still too self-reliant.

I want my hubby in seminary to become a marriage & family therapist. I believe this is God's calling on his life. Right now though, it seems like God called Him and then forgot Him. He wouldn't do that would he?

BTW, I realized that this month makes 6 months my hubby has been free from porn. His last binge was in January. That was the worst month of our entire marriage. I thought it was ending. God really worked a miracle in our relationship. Why is it then so hard for me to believe He can work another one and get my hubby in school? Please, God, give me the faith.

Two Great Concerts!

We went to see Mercy Me Friday night, and they were really, really good! It was an outdoor concert at a fair, and in my opinion those are the best kinds. You can't beat an outdoor concert. I recognized alot of their songs but of course "I Can Only Imagine" is probably their most widely-known song. The best surprise of the night was a group by the name of "Echoing Angels" out of Atlanta, GA. I had never heard of them before. Hubby said he had heard of them but only knew one of their songs. They did an awesome job. We have predicted them to go a long way in the Christian music world. In fact, we bought one of their CDs. So we are helping them on their way. Disclaimer: If you do not like loud, rocking, feel-the-beat-in-your chest sorts of concerts, these two groups are not for you. If you do, then I suggest finding the next concert nearest to you. You won't regret it.

On another note, our Vacation Bible School starts tonight. I somehow got wrangled into teaching music. I have a teenager helping me, so I suspect she will do most of the work. I will just be there for crowd control. We have a small church and therefore a small group at VBS. It's always a fun week, but a tiring one.

I have to go get ready for church. By the way, hubby is supposed to sing the special this morning. He's trying to figure a way out of it. He gets nervous, but he always does a great job.

Have a great Lord's Day.

Joshua 1:9

Hubby had his interview yesterday evening. He said the interview went well, but the pay stunk. So he is even more discouraged now than ever. Why are we so easily discouraged??? Please, God, give us the faith we need for this journey.

I know God is able, but if I am honest with you, I just don't see my hubby sitting in a classroom this fall. Maybe this just isn't God's timing. I'm not saying I have given up; however, I am saying I do realize God's timing is not ours. I am also realizing that God's timing is slow as molasses.

The bad thing is that hubby hates his current job (what's new, he's hated every job he has ever had...) He just sent me a text saying, "I hate this place." Gee, hon, thanks for being so positive and uplifting.

I want to thank my new readers for finding me! ( hey Sarah! :) )

Oh, yeah, I wanted to tell you guys that hubby and I are going to see Mercy Me tonight! They are performing at a fair in a nearby town (which happens to be my hometown) so we're going to meet up with my sister and her family and go to the concert together. My kiddos are staying at my mom's. The concert doesn't even start until 8:30 so I figured it best that they stay with Grandma and get to bed at a decent hour. Okay, okay, I just want a night out without them. What's wrong with that, huh?

God Bless You All. Stay strong!

Discouraged

Hubby and I did not communicate very well last night. Every time we tried to talk, the result was aggravation leading to anger. We finally decided it was better if we did not try to talk at all.

It was a very hard day for hubby. He's had alot of hard days lately. Just thinking about his friend sitting in a prison cell is almost too much for him to handle. He would not answer his phone last night when some of his group members and his accountability partner tried to call. It is ironic that when he feels his worst, and when he needs someone to talk to the most, he won't reach out for help.

I did come out and ask him if he was clean. He promises he is. I'm trying to believe him.

Hubby is also doubting his calling to the ministry. He is starting to feel like it was all a cruel joke. School is supposed to start in August, and he does not have tuition, a new job, or the $800 (!) for books. How did we ever think we could do this? I try to be encouraging to him, but to be honest, I don't know what to say exactly. Now that we have told everyone about our "calling," it's as if we don't feel it anymore. We're afraid we're going to end up looking like idiots. Where is that feeling of certainty we had just a few weeks ago? And where is God?

I am so easily swayed these days. I want to tell hubby God will work it out, but I can't get the words to come out of my mouth.

Where is my faith? Why can I not just put this in God's hands?

Hubby does have an interview tomorrow. It is for a part-time job at a Christian bookstore, so I'm sure they would be more flexible with his school schedule than some. However, if tuition money does not literally fall out of the sky, he won't even need this job.

Discouragement. That's what our home is full of right now. And I hate it.

Hard Day

Hello friends,

This is a hard day for hubby and I. This is the day our good friend has to report to prison. Of course, he and his wife are on my heart and in my thoughts today.

I talked to them both last night, and I made the wife promise to call me on her way home. What a long drive home she has. Alone. I could not sleep last night. Every time I woke up I was thinking about them. Wondering if they would sleep a wink or stay up talking all night. That was their last night together for three years.

Please say a prayer for this family today. Even though you do not know their names, God knows who they are.

Thank you,

Amy

The Next Step

I like to think that we have taken the next step in our "journey." We finally told my parents about hubby's decision to attend seminary and what we felt God was calling us to do. Granted, we did not get into details (like my hubby being addicted to internet porn), but we did share our heart for struggling marriages. My father was very quiet, and my mother asked some questions but not too many. I think they were in shock.

I also told my sister. I did get into a little more details with her, but still no mention of the porn, just that our marriage had hit bottom a few months ago. She said we were an "inspiration," and that meant alot to me. I always felt she was the "perfect" one in our family with a "perfect" marriage (like those exists!?). However, she readily admitted that they in fact had their own share of troubles. We are planning on the four of us getting together over supper one day in the near future to share more.

Sunday was perhaps the most moving day. We went forward and dedicated our lives to the Lord and to His service. Our pastor presented us to the church as having "surrendered to the ministry." For some reason, that phrase makes me crazy, and I want to scream out, 'No, he's not a preacher, he's going into counseling, Christian counseling!" The pastor did eventually get around to the fact that hubby was enrolling in Marriage & Family Therapy. But anyway, we stood up front and everyone came by and offered words of support and encouragement. That was a great moment, very uplifting. We found out people had been praying for us and they did not even know why they were being led to pray for us. They came up to us and said, "Now I know why." Amazing.

So we feel a great burden lifted. Everyone knows now. What a relief. Funny thing is, nobody knows about the porn addiction. Well, just a few people do. And that's okay. I have come to realize that everyone does not need to know about that. Only if it will benefit the person or bring praise to the Lord would we disclose that piece of info. Otherwise, we feel comfortable saying, "You know what, our marriage was not what we were pretending it to be. In fact, the devil was working overtime to tear us apart and came very close to succeeding." "But through God's grace and mercy, our marriage survived and yours can too." There are issues behind every marriage. The feelings are all the same. So unless we discern a person really needs to know about the specific porn issue in our marriage, we will just give hope and encouragement through our Lord Jesus Christ no matter what the issue.

Now to where I am today, in this very moment.

I am struggling with believing. Believing God can provide money for school and money for us to live on. I am struggling with believing that God is going to do what He has promised us. I am just struggling. I pray for faith, every night I do, but the next day the thoughts are back in my mind. How is this possible? This is a ridiculous pipe dream. How can you even think you can help other couples when you don't have it together yourself?

This is the devil I know. Get thee behind me, Satan! I want to believe in God's perfect and pleasing will. I pray this for my hubby as well. He is having a hard day at work today. He is in a "bad place." He is feeling fearful, hopeless, useless, and worthless. In his own words, he says his "thoughts are everywhere today." Translated this means, "I am struggling with lustful thoughts today." I tried to encourage him. To lift Him up. I'm not sure I did, but I tried.

Also, our friend found out that he has to report to prison on July 8th. That is weighing heavy on our hearts and minds. I am still in contact with his wife. She is understandably anxious and depressed about losing her husband, her best friend, for three years.

I told my hubby that anytime I want to give up on this seminary dream, I think about what they are going through. If they can survive the next three years, surely we can too.

I pray for your marriage today. I pray for your husband's recovery. I pray for your recovery. I pray that God will show Himself to you today in a special way. I consider you my friend, and I am praying for you.