The Next Step

I like to think that we have taken the next step in our "journey." We finally told my parents about hubby's decision to attend seminary and what we felt God was calling us to do. Granted, we did not get into details (like my hubby being addicted to internet porn), but we did share our heart for struggling marriages. My father was very quiet, and my mother asked some questions but not too many. I think they were in shock.

I also told my sister. I did get into a little more details with her, but still no mention of the porn, just that our marriage had hit bottom a few months ago. She said we were an "inspiration," and that meant alot to me. I always felt she was the "perfect" one in our family with a "perfect" marriage (like those exists!?). However, she readily admitted that they in fact had their own share of troubles. We are planning on the four of us getting together over supper one day in the near future to share more.

Sunday was perhaps the most moving day. We went forward and dedicated our lives to the Lord and to His service. Our pastor presented us to the church as having "surrendered to the ministry." For some reason, that phrase makes me crazy, and I want to scream out, 'No, he's not a preacher, he's going into counseling, Christian counseling!" The pastor did eventually get around to the fact that hubby was enrolling in Marriage & Family Therapy. But anyway, we stood up front and everyone came by and offered words of support and encouragement. That was a great moment, very uplifting. We found out people had been praying for us and they did not even know why they were being led to pray for us. They came up to us and said, "Now I know why." Amazing.

So we feel a great burden lifted. Everyone knows now. What a relief. Funny thing is, nobody knows about the porn addiction. Well, just a few people do. And that's okay. I have come to realize that everyone does not need to know about that. Only if it will benefit the person or bring praise to the Lord would we disclose that piece of info. Otherwise, we feel comfortable saying, "You know what, our marriage was not what we were pretending it to be. In fact, the devil was working overtime to tear us apart and came very close to succeeding." "But through God's grace and mercy, our marriage survived and yours can too." There are issues behind every marriage. The feelings are all the same. So unless we discern a person really needs to know about the specific porn issue in our marriage, we will just give hope and encouragement through our Lord Jesus Christ no matter what the issue.

Now to where I am today, in this very moment.

I am struggling with believing. Believing God can provide money for school and money for us to live on. I am struggling with believing that God is going to do what He has promised us. I am just struggling. I pray for faith, every night I do, but the next day the thoughts are back in my mind. How is this possible? This is a ridiculous pipe dream. How can you even think you can help other couples when you don't have it together yourself?

This is the devil I know. Get thee behind me, Satan! I want to believe in God's perfect and pleasing will. I pray this for my hubby as well. He is having a hard day at work today. He is in a "bad place." He is feeling fearful, hopeless, useless, and worthless. In his own words, he says his "thoughts are everywhere today." Translated this means, "I am struggling with lustful thoughts today." I tried to encourage him. To lift Him up. I'm not sure I did, but I tried.

Also, our friend found out that he has to report to prison on July 8th. That is weighing heavy on our hearts and minds. I am still in contact with his wife. She is understandably anxious and depressed about losing her husband, her best friend, for three years.

I told my hubby that anytime I want to give up on this seminary dream, I think about what they are going through. If they can survive the next three years, surely we can too.

I pray for your marriage today. I pray for your husband's recovery. I pray for your recovery. I pray that God will show Himself to you today in a special way. I consider you my friend, and I am praying for you.