Discouraged

Hubby and I did not communicate very well last night. Every time we tried to talk, the result was aggravation leading to anger. We finally decided it was better if we did not try to talk at all.

It was a very hard day for hubby. He's had alot of hard days lately. Just thinking about his friend sitting in a prison cell is almost too much for him to handle. He would not answer his phone last night when some of his group members and his accountability partner tried to call. It is ironic that when he feels his worst, and when he needs someone to talk to the most, he won't reach out for help.

I did come out and ask him if he was clean. He promises he is. I'm trying to believe him.

Hubby is also doubting his calling to the ministry. He is starting to feel like it was all a cruel joke. School is supposed to start in August, and he does not have tuition, a new job, or the $800 (!) for books. How did we ever think we could do this? I try to be encouraging to him, but to be honest, I don't know what to say exactly. Now that we have told everyone about our "calling," it's as if we don't feel it anymore. We're afraid we're going to end up looking like idiots. Where is that feeling of certainty we had just a few weeks ago? And where is God?

I am so easily swayed these days. I want to tell hubby God will work it out, but I can't get the words to come out of my mouth.

Where is my faith? Why can I not just put this in God's hands?

Hubby does have an interview tomorrow. It is for a part-time job at a Christian bookstore, so I'm sure they would be more flexible with his school schedule than some. However, if tuition money does not literally fall out of the sky, he won't even need this job.

Discouragement. That's what our home is full of right now. And I hate it.