Through The Eyes of a Child

My son has his first "spend-the-night" guest tonight. A friend from down the street. They are pretty new in this neighborhood, and he and my son have really hit it off.

The thing I find amazing is that our guest's skin color is not the color of ours, and no one seems to notice or even more importantly, care.

I find that extremely refreshing. You could argue that as they get older things will change, but I don't think so. I think our children are growing up in a culture where skin color is a non-issue. Shame on the parents who make it one.

He's In!

Hubby received an e-mail yesterday stating he has been accepted to seminary! Wow! What an amazing moment! God is taking a guy with a degree in turfgrass management and putting him into a marriage and family therapy program at a seminary! Who would have ever imagined? Only God.

And only God can make this happen. I say this because we have no answers to any of our questions. The questions about money, living arrangements, money, class schedules, jobs, money, and oh yeah, did I mention money?

As you know, we have really strived this year to become debt-free or closer to it anyway. We have done well although we are not there yet. We are saving more and more money and I feel good about that. However, we have nowhere near a college education saved up. And we still have to pay our monthly bills. Oh, my dear God in heaven, what do you have in store for us?

Hubby was excited as he read the e-mail. He really needed this confirmation...it did wonders for his psyche. It only took him about 2.5 minutes to go from excitement to nervous fear however. God, I pray for our faith to rest solely in you. When my hubby graduates from seminary, we will have no other choice but to look back and say "It was all because of You."

Our nemesis, the devil, wasted no time as usual. Hubby called me from work this morning and sounded very defeated. He told me about a dream he had. A dream so vivid he felt as if he should call and confess to me and apologize. He dreamed he was in front of a computer binging on porn.

My hubby has been sober from internet porn since January. He had a slip-up in the September before that. Before that one, he had stayed sober for almost 9 months.

However, this dream got to him. He said it was the most vivid dream he has ever had. It really shook him up. I tried to encourage him by reminding him of the truth and encouraging him to look toward the future and not the past.

With that said, I would like to end with this thought. Beth Moore has a bible study called "Stepping Up." My church is doing this together on Wednesday nights. As you might know, Beth has a past history of abuse. She states that she never wants to forget the pain. That may sound strange, but I so know where she is coming from.

I never want to forget the pain I felt after discovering my hubby's "secret life." I never want to forget the despair and hopelessness I felt after discovering I had been lied to over and over for years on end. I never want to forget the feeling of my heart literally breaking inside me and silently crying out for someone, anyone, to care enough to ask.

I do not want to forget the pain. Why? Because if I can remember the pain, I will be more equipped to come alongside others and truly listen. Listen and know their pain. Please, God, never let me forget.

Thank you for reading this post. I was excited to share this news with you guys! Please pray for us as I know the devil will be after my hubby more than ever. I will keep you informed.

Amy

An Evening with Rose

I must start by saying Happy Father's Day to all the fathers out there. I hope you are having a peaceful, easy day!

My hubby is working on this Father's Day....not all day though. He was at church with us this morning but had to leave immediately after. I bought him Krispy Kreme donuts and a Diet Coke along with a balloon for Father's Day. Food always works with him.

Hubby has had a hard few days lately. I can tell by the way he's been acting. Edgy. Quiet. Easily irritated. Overall just a grump. Bless his heart, he tries so hard, but just a simple trip to Wal-Mart can be overwhelming for him. The only comment he made yesterday after the Wal-Mart trip was how he is so sick of how women/girls dress during the summer months. He said he was "this close" to walking up to one of them and telling them just what they are doing.

Later in the day, our neighbor behind us was having trouble with some of her yard work, and I told hubby it would be nice if he went and helped her out. But he wouldn't. He couldn't. Too much of a temptation. Yes, she is very pretty, just his type in fact. And she dresses very skimpily to do her yard work. On one hand, I am very proud of him for realizing his limit and saying no. On the other hand, I want to scream and say, "Get over this already!" Geez, I mean, will there ever be a time he can see our neighbor and not want to jump her bones? (or whatever it is he wants to do to her)? I have improved in my reactions to situations such as these however. I accept it and move on. He did what he needed to do for his recovery, and I let it go at that. Do I wish he could have walked over, been a good neighbor, and helped her out? Yes. Do I wish he could walk up to any beautiful woman and not be overwhelmed by lustful thoughts? Yes, of course. But I guess until he can do this, he will just have to stay away from those beautiful women.

I wanted to tell you of a good experience we had as a family yesterday evening. Have you ever thought about someone, maybe someone you don't even know too well, and God just puts them on your heart to call? That happened to me yesterday and for once I obeyed the voice of God. I called Ms. Rose. Ms. Rose is around 80 years old and goes to our church. We don't know Ms. Rose that well, but she is always sweet and kind and I had heard she knew alot about plants and flowers. So I called Ms. Rose and asked if we could come "tour" her backyard. She said yes, and we all loaded up and went.

We arrived there and she began telling us story after story of each and every plant. The lilies she brought from her old house when she moved, the amaryllis she got from her mother almost 60 years ago, etc. Each plant had a story, and she was eager to tell it. It was a beautiful garden, and hubby and I got lots of good tips, and we even left with three different sorts of bulbs to plant. Thanks to Ms. Rose, we'll have something to look forward to in the spring!

I never knew Ms. Rose's husband, and I have never met her two children. Here's what I want to share with you. Standing in Ms. Rose's kitchen, I had a sobering thought. Standing there listening to her talk about her dog, her plants, her church, and her God, I got weak in the knees. Who will I be when it is just me? Fifty years from now, when my dear husband has passed and my children are gone, who will I be?

It is hard for me to fathom the thought of one day in the future someone knowing me without knowing my husband and children. I can't imagine what I will be like when I have no hubby or kids to take care of. Will I continue to be faithful to my God? I believe so. Will I continue to be active in my church? I hope so. Will I be eager and willing to share with younger women the story of my marriage? I pray I will.

The evening with Ms. Rose took us away to a serene place. A place where there are no visually-tempting neighbors and no internet-tempting computers. There was just peace. I felt it and hubby felt it. It did him such good. I don't know who benefited the most, us or Ms. Rose. She surely loved telling us her story, and isn't that what we all want? Someone just to listen to our story?

I thanked Ms. Rose for letting us come into her home. She invited us back anytime. When we saw her at church this morning, she grinned a little brighter at my children, and they went and gave her a hug. After attending church with her for six years, we finally know Ms. Rose. And we are all better for it.

Our "Fight"

So I told you I would post about our fight. It was really more of a discussion, a one-way discussion. Okay, I really just got chewed out by my hubby. It's not really that exciting, and it is even a little humorous when I look back on it, but I will tell you about it anyway.

We have a friend in the hospital and we were going to visit her. Kids were not with us, it was just me and hubby.

Now before we left for the hospital, hubby had made "a move" (I'm not sure the most appropriate way to say that), and I had turned him down cold. But I had my reasons! I wanted to finish my work, get supper done, go to the hospital, come home, and then maybe we could arrange a rendezvous. After all the other stuff on my list was done. Get it?

So hubby was furious. As noted in a previous post, he gets rejected alot. I'm just not into it. My doctor says it's my birth control pills and that if I stop taking them, my libido would come back. But that's not a risk we are willing to take. We are happy with our two happy, healthy children and would like to think our little family is finished growing.

Anyway, we're in the truck. Hubby lays into me. He basically says something has got to change and this time it ain't him. I've never seen him quite so animated and belligerent about not getting any. He was really in bad shape. I just kept saying, "I don't know what to do." Finally, he looked at me, banged his fists on the steering wheel while yelling "HAVE SEX!!!"

That's the funny part that we've laughed about since then. He yelled at me to have sex. Strangely funny.

The part of the one-way discussion I did not like was when he talked about how hard he is trying to stay pure and clean and porn-free but that not getting any on the homefront made it unbelievably difficult. I felt a little threatened by this, as if he was saying to me, "if you don't do this, I have no other choice but to do that."

I have come to the conclusion that hubby and I have never had a healthy sexual relationship. I told him when he becomes a certified counselor, I want to be his first client. I have lots of hangups when it comes to being intimate.

Hubby is better now of course, (and I'm sure you can guess why), but how do I keep this from happening again? Yeah, yeah, I know, have sex.

Seminary or Bust

My hubby sent off his application for seminary yesterday. This in itself is great.....I really do feel like he is following God's call in his life. Finally! However, as always, my mind goes to the following questions: What will my family think? How will we pay our bills? Will we have to move to a cheaper place? Is this really God's will for us? Hubby has applied online for several part-time jobs and we are waiting to see what happens with those. Please pray for God's guidance in all of this. I keep telling myself to trust in Almighty God. He will never leave us nor forsake us, right?

Let me try to tackle the question, "Is this really God's will for us?" I am still struggling with this, but I have learned to keep my eyes and Spirit open to affirmations God sends our way. For the last several weeks, hubby and I were feeling like God brought us to this great place and showed us a glimpse of how our future would be if we followed Him, and then it was as if He withdrew His presence and we could feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. We were in the desert so to speak. So, I started praying for another affirmation in order for me to know without a doubt this is the right path to walk.

So here's what happened: After church, a few of us were standing in the parking lot and one of the girls just burst out with the request for us to pray for her. She stood there through tears telling the ones of us around her about her struggling marriage and asking what she should do. Funny how those "touchy-feely" situations make some people so uncomfortable. A few people just sort of wandered off and the ones that were left were me, the pastor, and eventually the pastor's wife walked up as well. We talked for a long time, and I don't know if I said anything to encourage her other than this. I care and more importantly, God cares. I held her hand as the pastor prayed.

Okay, this is how slow I am. It was not until the drive home that it dawned on me that perhaps this was in fact an affirmation. Yes, God was saying, Yes, Amy, take my hand and I will lead you.

When I got home, I could barely wait to tell hubby. He was bursting to tell me about CR and how it had been so very soothing to his hurting soul that night. When he was done and I shared my experience with my hurting sister, it was like we just knew. We knew this was our calling.

He mailed his application two days later. There are still alot of unknowns, and honestly, that does send a panic through me.

And, as you well know, whenever you get on fire for God and get that deep-in-your-sould determination to follow Him no matter what, Satan sits up and takes notice. He wasted no time in our case......hubby and I got into a pretty good fight last night about what else? Sex.

I think you are probably tired of reading, and I need to get back to the typing I actually get paid for. I will post tomorrow about our fight, but just so you know, we did make up :)