Work, Recovery, and a Few Triggers

Hubby is working today. I think working on Sundays should be against the law, but until then he has to do what he has to do. He will be working weekends alot from now until September. He works at our city's parks and recreation department and they host alot of baseball and soccer tournaments each weekend during the summer. It gets very tiresome for him and very stressful for me. By the end of July (if it even takes that long), I will be exhausted. I admire all of you single mothers out there. I don't know how you do it.

Now, for those of you who remember, we are trying to whittle down on our debt so the overtime is great, but how much is time with your family worth? We just all take a deep breath this time of year and hope we make it through.

I have to tell you hubby has not been to his SA group for two weeks now. And as far as I know, no one has even called to check on him. But I would not be surprised if they had and hubby just didn't tell me. He may very well miss it this week too as I have ladies meeting at church on the same night his group meets. He's never missed this much since the beginning of his recovery.

I can't say it's not by choice, though. He is considering stopping going altogether. Thanks for all of your words of warning against this-I took them all very seriously.

He does attend Celebrate Recovery on Sunday nights and he seems to really like it. He hopes going to CR once a week will sustain/further his recovery. But like I said in an earlier post, we will just have to wait and see.

I noticed this time of year is a major trigger for me for a few reasons.

1. One is the above-mentioned extra time away from home for hubby. He works sometimes 7 to 14 days straight, and when there are games being played, there are women crawling all over the place. Eye candy.
   
2. The second is the fact that the last several slip-ups he has had has occurred on a computer at work. Refer to number one.
   
3. The third is the weather. What? The weather? Yeah, the weather. It is warmer, people are out in their yards, people are walking/jogging around the neighborhood, people are out cutting their grass. And the warmer it gets, the less clothing they wear. (Okay, in the former sentence, change"people" to "women".

I realized last week that my stomach gets tied up when we go outside to enjoy the evening. I really hate that. I feel like we need to stay locked up in our house to avoid any temptation (but oh yeah, the TV, the internet, ugggghhh).

Addict or Idiot?

Is this sexual addiction stuff for real?

I'm having a conflict within myself right now so bear with me. This is what I want to know: Is my hubby an addict or just an idiot?

When he chose to look at his first Playboy at a friend's house-idiot.
When he chose to continue looking at Playboy magazines-idiot.
When he chose to keep his porn problem from his future wife-idiot.
When he chose to cheat on his future wife with another girl-idiot.
When he chose to amass great credit card debt due to online porn sites in college-maybe addict.
When he chose to continually look at online porn after marrying-addict.
When he chose to look at online porn while he was at home alone with his children-addict.
When he chose to spend money on porn from an adult bookstore and do who knows what else while in there-addict.
When he chose to watch porn in hotel rooms while on business trips, right after calling me to say good night and he loves me-addict.
When he chose to change jobs every 2 years due to the increasing fear of being caught looking at porn while at work-addict.

So this little exercise answers my question I suppose. He is an addict with idiot roots.

(Before you all get too upset, let me say this. I have learned enough in the past year-and-a-half to know things aren't always this cut and dry. He had things happen throughout his life that made him more susceptible to becoming an addict. But I also know there are people who have been through much worse that never turned to porn addiction or any other addiction to cope.

Well, I still love my idiot/addict husband and I guess I always will. So what does that make me?

Back to Normal

Hey everybody! I know you are all on the edge of your seat to know whether we went out Monday night or not. Drum roll.....yes! We went to Applebee's and it was so good. You know, when you don't eat out for a long time, it really makes you appreciate it more. I cooked at home Tuesday night, and we stayed home and watched American Idol. That was alot of fun too!

So, my kids are back now! I was glad to see them! The first thing we did was dye Easter eggs for the Easter egg hunt at church tonight. Now my 7-year-old son is already down the street at a friend's house (so much for missing momma) and my (almost) 3-year-old daughter is napping in her bed. It's nice to have a break, but there is something so right about having them back home.

Hubby and I have been getting along unusually well. If I thought about it long enough, I could make myself suspicious, but I am choosing not to. I am enjoying this while it lasts!

I pray everyone has a great Easter Sunday and let's remember that the Easter bunny is not who we are celebrating.....

Sweet Freedom

Took my kiddos to my mom's this morning. They will be there for two nights. I will get them back on Wednesday. I'm so thankful for my parents....my mom is super with my kids and even though my dad is in bad health, he still does what he can with them. My kids absolutely love going there, and it gives me a break. It's a win-win situation!

Now what will I do with all this quiet, peaceful time? Well, so far I have eaten leftover homemade pizza while watching a soap opera, caught a little bit of the local news, and now I'm vegging out in front of the computer. I will eventually have to do my typing, but it's hard to motivate myself to work when I feel so free. I asked my 7-year-old what he thought I should do while they are gone. He said, "Momma, you'll have to do your work." I replied, "I think I'll lie on the couch and eat candy all day." I couldn't see his face since we were in the car, but I heard a chuckle like he half knew I was joking, but he wasn't real sure.

You all have to know I absolutely love my kids. Would die for them. But every mom needs a break now and then. If you never have a break from your kids, you start to lose your identity and your mind.

Hubby got sick over the weekend, running fever, feeling achy. We were afraid it was the flu, but his fever broke and he started feeling better. He's at work today so that's a good thing. The last time I was to have a day by myself, he surprised me by taking off and staying home with me. Sweet in theory, but annoying in reality.

I don't know what we'll end up doing while the kids are away (I'm sure hubby has some ideas). I'm just wondering if maybe I could get some restaurant food. You know we haven't eaten out since starting this whole money war thing. I wonder if hubby and I might go to a restaurant for adults, you know the kind that doesn't serve chicken nuggets out of a box? Part of me wants to go, but part of me says that would be wasteful and that I should cook hubby a nice meal at home. I don't know which part of me will win.

I know this post has not really had a purpose, but I just felt like writing. Now I better get to work. Thanks for reading and maybe next time, I'll have something nice and juicy to talk about (like a big, fat burger!)

Learning As We Go

I have learned my first rule about blogging. Never say at the end of a post what you are going to write about in your next post. Because inevitably when it comes time to post again, you are not going to want to write about what you said you would write about.

I told you that I would share with you about my hubby's job history, how he's never kept a job over 2 years, and how I think his addiction plays a role in that. And I do want to share that with all of you, but it's just not what I feel led to write about today.

There are several things I want to write about today, none of them are really related, so if this post seems a little scattered, I offer my apologies.

The reason I have not posted all week is because I have had a very busy week! Ironically, last Saturday, I was bemoaning to hubby that I was feeling very useless and stagnant in my life. Well, God took care of that this week! I had a funeral to attend out of town Monday. My sister and her family were in town Monday night at a hotel with an indoor swimming pool so hubby and I took our kids over to swim when I got back in town. Then Tuesday my best friend was having surgery so I kept her three kids for the day. Wednesday I bought groceries and went to visit my friend in the hospital and had church that night. Thursday I found out that another good friend of mine's daughter (3 years old) is in the hospital with pneumonia, and we also had another function at church to attend last night. Thankfully today has been pretty quiet. The little one and I got out and paid a couple of bills and that's about it. My friend in the hospital is having another surgery today and I'm waiting to hear how that went. I will probably go back to see her tomorrow.

Now that I've given you all the excuses for why I haven't posted, I'll get on with things.

First, things at home between hubby and I have been pretty good lately. I've learned to never, and I mean never assume that we've "made it." In the past, every time I have started feeling that way and thinking that hubby has conquered this porn thing, I get blindsided and kicked in the gut again.

This is the way it usually happens for us: After a d-day, we become closer than ever. We start praying together, talking more, sharing our visions for our future, etc. Then the days pass and life comes at us and we stop making time to talk as much or pray as often. Then hubby starts falling asleep on the couch a few days a week and I stop waking him up and asking him to come to bed. Then we stop talking altogether (about anything important anyway). Hubby starts feeling like I don't care so he shuts down even more. The more he shuts down, the more paranoid I become. The more paranoid I become, the more isolated he becomes. He acts out, comes clean (eventually), and the cycle starts all over again. I have however found that it is taking longer and longer for the cycle to complete itself which I guess is called progress.

The next couple of weeks will be a real test for hubby. His SA group met on Tuesday nights which worked well for him. Now they have moved it to Thursday nights which doesn't work well for him. He missed last night's meeting and will also miss next week's meeting. Hubby is feeling discouraged about his group. He feels it is not going anywhere and he is not progressing as he should. The guys never call each other and there is very little accountability as far as I can tell. So he's thinking about quitting it altogether. Now, this makes me a little nervous, but it does not panic me. Admittedly, I'm thinking about how this would free him up to be with his family on Thursday nights instead of coming home, showering, and leaving again immediately. Also, it would save us quite a bit of money each month if he were to stop going. Are these two positives worth the negative that could possibly come from him not attending a group? Probably not. But we're looking at the next two weeks as a test. If he makes it through these next couple of weeks without any slip-ups, I bet he quits the group. If not going to his group leaves a bigger hole in his recovery than he thinks, I bet he will keep going. So we're just going to have to wait and see. We truly are learning as we go.......

So there are my ramblings for the day. Thanks to all who have left comments. It really inspires me to keep writing! Next week, I should be able to write a little more often as my kids are going to my moms for a couple of nights (yeah for Spring Break!).

Our "Other" Struggle

Okay, so it's not our only other struggle, but it's the one taking center stage right now. I could probably ask you the two top reasons for strife in your marriage, and you would say sex and money. I know that's what I would say. My hubby would say we don't have enough of either one.....

So this year, starting January 1st, we got on a plan (for our money, not for sex, one thing at a time please). I can't call it a budget exactly, but I can call it a plan. It's a simple plan really. Get out of debt. I want to stop living paycheck to paycheck. I want to tell my money where to go instead of it telling me where to go! I want to write my tithe check joyfully not fearfully.

It's amazing to think how passive I've been about our money. We've been married 10 years. Where have I been??? I tell you where I was. I was the wife who thought her hubby knew as much about how to spend/save money as her daddy did. I mean, isn't that a requirement for husbands to know how to take care of that stuff? So, whatever hubby suggested, I was all for it.

Now before I go any further, let me just say this. We do not live an extravagant lifestyle. We never have. I am about the lowest maintenance woman you are going to find. I've never had a manicure, pedicure, and I barely make it to the beauty shop. I can't tell you the last time I went out and bought something just for me. With that said, we still have made some stupid mistakes. Dave Ramsey calls it the stupid tax. I won't even get into it all, but nevertheless we are stuck with debt. And now we are shoveling our way out.

So back to January 1st. We bought a financial workbook and sat down and started seriously laying it all out on the table. What our income is and what our debts are. Can you believe in 10 years we had never done that before!?! I got a notebook and I am tracking every penny that comes into the household and every penny that goes out. Unfortunately, January showed us that we spent more than we made. Not good. In February we did a little better, $70 on the plus side!

We have totally stopped eating out (I want a Big Mac SOOOO bad). My hubby has stopped getting a Diet Coke and candy bar every time he puts gas in his truck. I am a serious coupon clipper and price comparer now. It's generic brands or nothing! We are discussing the idea of disconnecting our cell phones and maybe even going to rabbit ears for the TV. Hubby gave me a new set of rings for Valentine's Day in 2003, and I'm selling them. I have my original wedding bands and have started wearing them again. I would never consider selling them, but I can part with the new ones. They don't have much emotional attachment, and the money can go right to the debt snowball. Uncle Sam is sending us money sometime in the summer, so that will help us as well. It's tempting to take a vacation and blow it all, but I know in the long-run, getting rid of this debt will be much more beneficial. We are also planning a garage sale and selling everything we can.....and I mean everything. Fortunately (and unfortunately) the spring/summer is a really busy time for hubby's job. He will be working a lot of overtime. And all his overtime will be going towards debt.

I don't imagine we will be totally debt free by December 31st, but I believe we will be a lot closer than we are now. And that's a good feeling!

I will have to post another time on my hubby and his job history (and how I can see now that his addiction was affecting and still is affecting this part of his life). I'll have to tell you how we hit rock bottom after he drove up in the driveway and announced he had quit his job. I'll have to tell you how we had a 3-year-old at the time and found out five days later I was pregnant. I'll have to tell you how we had no income, no health insurance, one vehicle, and lots of bills to pay. I'll have to tell you how different things would be if I would have known then what I know now.

The Irony Of It All

THANK YOU to the ones that left comments on my previous blogs. Believe me, they do not go unnoticed! It really makes my day to know someone took time out of their busy schedules to read my wandering thoughts on this crazy journey.

I can see the problem with blogging already......T-I-M-E. I think about posting a lot, but finding the time to sit down and do it is a whole other story. I know how frustrating it is to continually check a blog and rarely find a new post, so I will try my best. If any of you are stay-at-home, work-at-home moms, I'm sure you can appreciate my time issue. My 2-year-old can only take Momma staring at the computer screen for so long, and my 7-year-old fights me for his own computer time!

The cruel irony of this new-found love I have for this blog is that I hate the internet. Let me put it another way, I hate what the internet can be. It can be a great educational tool but it also can be a wide open door to all manner of perversion. As you might guess, my hubby's addiction consists mainly of online porn. Before the internet, though, he had to do it the old-fashioned way with mags and video stores, etc., but as you well know, the internet has made the addict's fix a whole lot easier to get.

I remember sitting here at this computer searching for answers online, just like some of you are doing, wondering if there was anybody out there who knew what I was feeling. I needed some validation of my feelings and the only place I could go was online. But I would have moments where I would literally want to throw up thinking about what hubby had been viewing on this same computer screen where now I was searching for answers; where he was filling his mind with other women's images, I was attempting to fill my mind with anything to give me hope. Oh, the irony of it all.

But as you can tell, I resisted the urge to throw my computer out the window. That would have been a bad decision on two counts. I need the computer/internet for my job, and I also would never have known how many other couples are struggling with this addiction.

If you think you are alone right now, you are not. God is with you and He loves you. The best news of all, he is forever faithful to you. Not just until someone prettier comes along, not just until someone more exciting comes along, and not just when He feels like it. Forever and ever and ever and ever God is faithful. Doesn't that sound like a rock worth resting on?