Learning As We Go

I have learned my first rule about blogging. Never say at the end of a post what you are going to write about in your next post. Because inevitably when it comes time to post again, you are not going to want to write about what you said you would write about.

I told you that I would share with you about my hubby's job history, how he's never kept a job over 2 years, and how I think his addiction plays a role in that. And I do want to share that with all of you, but it's just not what I feel led to write about today.

There are several things I want to write about today, none of them are really related, so if this post seems a little scattered, I offer my apologies.

The reason I have not posted all week is because I have had a very busy week! Ironically, last Saturday, I was bemoaning to hubby that I was feeling very useless and stagnant in my life. Well, God took care of that this week! I had a funeral to attend out of town Monday. My sister and her family were in town Monday night at a hotel with an indoor swimming pool so hubby and I took our kids over to swim when I got back in town. Then Tuesday my best friend was having surgery so I kept her three kids for the day. Wednesday I bought groceries and went to visit my friend in the hospital and had church that night. Thursday I found out that another good friend of mine's daughter (3 years old) is in the hospital with pneumonia, and we also had another function at church to attend last night. Thankfully today has been pretty quiet. The little one and I got out and paid a couple of bills and that's about it. My friend in the hospital is having another surgery today and I'm waiting to hear how that went. I will probably go back to see her tomorrow.

Now that I've given you all the excuses for why I haven't posted, I'll get on with things.

First, things at home between hubby and I have been pretty good lately. I've learned to never, and I mean never assume that we've "made it." In the past, every time I have started feeling that way and thinking that hubby has conquered this porn thing, I get blindsided and kicked in the gut again.

This is the way it usually happens for us: After a d-day, we become closer than ever. We start praying together, talking more, sharing our visions for our future, etc. Then the days pass and life comes at us and we stop making time to talk as much or pray as often. Then hubby starts falling asleep on the couch a few days a week and I stop waking him up and asking him to come to bed. Then we stop talking altogether (about anything important anyway). Hubby starts feeling like I don't care so he shuts down even more. The more he shuts down, the more paranoid I become. The more paranoid I become, the more isolated he becomes. He acts out, comes clean (eventually), and the cycle starts all over again. I have however found that it is taking longer and longer for the cycle to complete itself which I guess is called progress.

The next couple of weeks will be a real test for hubby. His SA group met on Tuesday nights which worked well for him. Now they have moved it to Thursday nights which doesn't work well for him. He missed last night's meeting and will also miss next week's meeting. Hubby is feeling discouraged about his group. He feels it is not going anywhere and he is not progressing as he should. The guys never call each other and there is very little accountability as far as I can tell. So he's thinking about quitting it altogether. Now, this makes me a little nervous, but it does not panic me. Admittedly, I'm thinking about how this would free him up to be with his family on Thursday nights instead of coming home, showering, and leaving again immediately. Also, it would save us quite a bit of money each month if he were to stop going. Are these two positives worth the negative that could possibly come from him not attending a group? Probably not. But we're looking at the next two weeks as a test. If he makes it through these next couple of weeks without any slip-ups, I bet he quits the group. If not going to his group leaves a bigger hole in his recovery than he thinks, I bet he will keep going. So we're just going to have to wait and see. We truly are learning as we go.......

So there are my ramblings for the day. Thanks to all who have left comments. It really inspires me to keep writing! Next week, I should be able to write a little more often as my kids are going to my moms for a couple of nights (yeah for Spring Break!).