God's Not the One Who Moved

Hubby is working late, kids are watching a movie, so I thought I would take this chance to write a few things down.

Not long after discovering my hubby's addiction, (and it was a "discovery," I'm not sure he would have ever told me,) I went through sort of a spiritual awakening myself. I realized I was far, far away from God and that He was not the one who had moved. I was "playing church," and knew how to do it very, very well. One night, about 9 months into this recovery, we were lying in bed and I ended up spilling my guts to hubby about how I felt so disconnected from God and how nothing seemed real to me in church anymore. I wish I could blame that all on the addiction and how my hubby had completely shook my foundation, but I couldn't. It was coming clear that the problem was that I had made hubby/family my foundation instead of God. I was/am very involved in church, but there's a difference in going to church and having a relationship with Jesus Christ. I know that now. Anyway, that night, I ended up praying to God to renew the joy of my salvation, to bring me back into his fold, and to put a hunger inside my soul to know Him. Guess what? He did!

I have never read scripture like I did after that. The words seemed to be in there just for me. I was reading Scripture I swore I had never read before! Hubby was excited for me, but a little uncomfortable I think. Remember, this was early recovery so we were dealing with alot, and he was still fighting against the "God is your only help" answer to fighting his addiction to porn, so he really did not know what to do with me. Reading my Bible was not the only thing changing. I was praying, I mean really praying, down-on-my-knees praying.....I could feel God in the room with me, and I will never forget it. I saw God answering prayers over the next few weeks and it was absolutely amazing.

It was during this time that I started to feel the Holy Spirit really speaking to me about helping other women who are dealing with these sorts of issues. I felt that very strongly. I did not have any idea what to do, still don't, but I know that "call" was not a fake. And God was working in hubby too....because he feels the call and is ready to do something about it.

Which brings us to next Tuesday. Next Tuesday he goes to tour a theological seminary close to our home. He wants to be admitted to the marriage and family counseling program.

So I'm scared. Is that wrong? How will we eat? Will he still work full-time; part-time, or no-time? Will we have to move? What if he hates this like he has hated every other job? What if he cannot even get a job around here?

Not long after my "spiritual renewal," I went to the Christian bookstore and found a devotional book by Charles Spurgeon. This book is anointed, I am telling you! I was reading through some of the dog-eared pages this evening and found something I'd like to share with you all. I hope you find comfort in it as you search for a thread of hope in this ugly addiction.

"It is very wonderful, but it is certainly true, that there are many
persons in heaven in whom sin once abounded. In the judgment of their
fellowmen, some of them were worst sinners than others. Among the best
servants of God are many of those who were once the best servants of the
devil......They were long led captive by the devil at his will, but they were
never such servants to Satan as they afterward became to the living and true
God." Charles Spurgeon