For some reason, the only thing I want to do is lie in bed and cry today. I'm not feeling victorious, hopeful, or optimistic right now.
Hubby is angry with me. I don't want to give out too many details, but I bet you can figure it out. It goes back to that old saying, "money and sex, never enough of either one." He would definitely agree with the latter.
I've just not been in "the mood" lately. Okay, I haven't been in "the mood" for a long time. And he's angry. Says he will just stop even bringing it up anymore.
I know this is dangerous territory to put a porn addict in. Rejection from wife, feelings of inadequacy, feelings that something is inately wrong with him. I know all of that in my mind, but I just can't convince my body it's worth the time and effort right now.
Maybe subconsciously I'm testing him. Maybe subconsciously something is deeply rooted in me that I can't identify or eradicate. Or maybe I'm just tired.
Tired of thinking, planning, analyzing, praying, hoping, wanting, waiting. Tired.
I'm going to lie down.
About Me
- Amy
- I am the wife of a recovering porn addict. My prayer is that wives - the one who has known about her husband's addiction for years or the one who just found out yesterday- will know they are not alone. There is strength in numbers, and I pray that my blog will somehow give you the strength to go on another day.
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"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."
2 Corinthians 4:8-9.
3 comments:
Amy,
I don't want to get "preachy" but I'm sure you already know that for the spouse, the sex generally follows when there is intimacy. Have you guys had any non-sexual contact lately? For me, it's really hard to connect in that way unless there has been a decent amount of good old fashioned talking. Maybe just going out for coffee and conversation might help?
I'm reading a great book right now called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It's pretty easy to grasp, light reading. It is based in a premise that we each speak one of five love languages. The five languages are words of encouragement, gifts, quality time, acts of service, physical touch. Basically you try to figure out which one you are and your spouse figures out which one they are and you try to "do" the other person's language. So if he likes acts of service, you do little things like cleaning his car for him. And if you like gifts, he tries to bring you something, even free, like a flower or a handmade card. It's simplistic, yet pretty genious too!
Hope you were able to catch up on some rest!
Hi Amy,
My wife and I struggle with this issue. I'll do my best to share as lucidly and cogently as possible about our struggle and were we are at. By no means have we solved the issue. Let's be honest - recovery is messy and not magical. There is a lot of pain and hurt involved.
For years (as a porn addict) I trained my wife to have sex with a porn addict. Detached emotionally, withdrawn, and a brooding atmosphere. Sex was - well just vaginal masturbation, an extension of my fantasy - to put it so bluntly.
Her flower closed and I robbed her of her femininity. I closed the door of her heart for intimacy (physical, spiritual, emotional and sexual) by depriving her of me.
My wife was pure when we married. She had so many dreams and hopes for our sexual relationship. The discovery, the closeness, the intimacy.
I shattered those dreams in the most bitter ways possible. By not being what I vowed to be - her man. (Hope that makes sense)
Fast forward a few years and we're in recovery. I am discovering that I want my wife (no longer the fantasy) - all of her - her femininity, her touch, her love. But I haven't earned it. My advances are still being filtered through that porno pathways I created by my addiction.
Even though she knows I am sober and she knows that I am emotionally there now - it has been a challenge to forgive, and open up her heart, her soul, her feminine flower to me. Let's face it - I cheapened her, I used her, I lied to her and most of all I broke my vows.
To that extent I haven't cultivated the garden. Yes, we fuss over it, but I am learning patience. I am learning to be vulnerable and allow her to tell me when she is ready and able.
For me, as a man, and a recovering sex addict, I've had to learn that sex isn't a necessity. To love my wife as I want to be loved unconditionally. Moreover, I am learning to be her man - the man I vowed to be.
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