The Best Christmas Song Ever

I've always liked this song, but since I heard Kenny and Wynonna doing it, no other version even comes close.

Sit back and listen.

Going Home

With all the commercialization of Christmas, Thanksgiving has slowly but surely crept to the top of my favorite holiday list. It's so much more laid back, just eat, sit around, watch football, and visit with the family members you promise to keep in better touch with throughout this next year.

I am so looking forward to getting home. Home where my momma and daddy are. The home I grew up in. Yes, I have a home here with my husband and my children, but sometimes I need, I crave, to walk back in that door where everything is familiar--the sights, the sounds, the smells. My whole childhood was in that house, and there is no better joy than to return there. To see my children enjoying it is a whole new kind of joy.

Talking about home reminds me also that no earthly home is our permanent dwelling place. We have a heavenly Father who is waiting to welcome us home. To sights, sounds, and smells we have never experienced, but that we will never want to leave, and in fact will experience forever and ever. I can't wait. Really. I can't wait.

Just a note, this weekend is the weekend Brad and I are going to Atlanta to work in the processing center for Operation Christmas Child (see previous blogs). We are so excited! However, Brad has been having a little trouble in his back. He's tried the chiropractor and has another appointment there today. I sure hope he feels better by Friday morning when we leave.

I hope and pray you take a few moments to pull your kids close and talk about everything you are thankful for. And by the way, I am thankful for you.

Looking for Something to Do With Your Kids?

Anyway, I encourage you to get involved with this ministry. It's something you and your kids can do together. It's easy and fun and a great hands-on mission project you can do as a family! Have fun!

(It is not January 1, 2004). I didn't notice my camera's date was wrong until I had taken all but one of the pictures.

And To Our Veterans....a little blueberry juice.

Before I tell the story the title eludes to, let me digress and tell about the conference I went to last weekend.

I went to an Extraordinary Women conference. I heard Chonda Pierce (too funny!!!), Angela Thomas, Karen Kingsbury, and Thelma Wells. I heard concerts by Avalon and Mark Schultz. There was worship, praise, worship, and more praise. It was awesome! If you ever get a chance to go to one of these conferences, please try to go. You won't regret it. They will start touring again in the spring, and as a matter of fact, I am making plans to go to the one in Birmingham with Steven's wife. She of all people will need this time of refreshing. I am already looking forward to it. I would love to hear from any of you that have been to one of these conferences or might want to go to one in the future. There were over 3,000 women there praising the Lord together!



Now for a funny, yet embarrassing, story about what happened in the cafeteria at my son's school on Tuesday. It involves my son, a veteran, and blueberry juice.

To celebrate Veteran's Day, the school invited any parents or grandparents that had served in the military or were currently serving to come speak to their child's class and then stay for lunch. There was a flag parade, and it was just going to be a really nice day.

There was a mom there (I later found out she is being deployed to Iraq in May), and unfortunately she had the task of sitting a couple of chairs down from my son during lunch. As far as I can tell, lunch was fine and then clean-up began. My son apparently crams all his trash down into his milk jug. You know, to make it easier and quicker to walk by the trash can and just throw one item in instead of several small items. Well, on this day it backfired, literally. In the process of him cramming things down into his milk jug, he also had his milk jug in the bowl of blueberries (which he had not eaten). The side of the blueberry bowl burst open and blueberry juice went flying. Yep, right onto veteran-mom herself. The teacher's words were this: "I didn't see it happen, but I saw the aftermath." Oooohhh, that doesn't sound good. She said it was in her hair, on her clothes, and on the floor on the opposite side of the table.

What kind of punishment do you enforce when your son has sprayed a member of today's military with blueberry juice?

Well, he spent a couple of hours in his room (he's used to this), and then he wrote her an "I'm Sorry note" (he's not used to this). I helped him with sentence structure, etc., but he had to come up with the words all himself. I wanted it to be sincere.

This is what his note said:


I'm sorry for getting blueberry juice on you. I should not have been playing with my food. I am willing to help pay for the cleaning of your clothes.
Please forgive me.


We prayed over this note and for the woman he had "offended." I wanted him to learn that he must take responsibility for his actions, no matter if it was truly an accident or not.

We have not heard back from the lady, and last night my son asked me if I thought she would write him back. I said I didn't know. Secretly, I wish she would. I wish she would acknowledge his apology. But even if she does not, I rest a little easier thinking I used this Veteran's Day and some blueberry juice to teach a 7-year-old a little lesson in humility and forgiveness.

P.S. If you have not packed your shoebox yet, get busy! Next week is Collection Week! To find a dropoff location near you, check out their website.

"Group"

I am going to see Chonda tonight at an "Extraordinary Women" conference. I simply cannot wait! I was watching some excerpts on You Tube and came across this video and just had to share it.

Love you guys and I hope you enjoyed this video!

One Undecided Voter At a Time

For several weeks if Brad or I asked our 3-year-old daughter who she would vote for, she would reply, "Barack Obama."

The other night, completely out of the blue, she walks into the kitchen where her Daddy was and said, "Okay Daddy, I will vote for John McCain."

I'm thinking about sneaking her into the voting booth with me.

The Answer is No

Brad did not get that job.

On to Plan B. But wait, there is no Plan B.

Our Weekend

We were out of town this weekend. Went to Alabama to see Brad's parents. It is getting easier to make the trip now that our daughter is getting older. I never enjoyed traveling with a screaming baby. There's few things in this life that are worse than that.

While we were there, we got to see alot of cousins that we don't normally see. We went to lunch with about 20 family members to celebrate the birthday of one of Brad's cousins. It was nice except we went to a Chinese restaurant and Chinese food is my least favorite. I didn't complain though - I was just glad to be there!

We got to see Steven's wife and daughter (Steven is in prison, remember?). They came over to my mother-in-law's Saturday afternoon and visited and stayed for dinner. They seem to be doing pretty well. We didn't talk about Steven that much, although he was mentioned several times of course. Apparently he has hit the wall of "God let this happen to me, and I'm mad as hell about it." His wife is worried because the last letter he wrote was full of curse words and that is sooo unlike him. I suppose this is just a stage he has to go through. Their daughter turns 6 today, the first birthday her Daddy will not be there. I'm sure it was a hard day for all of them.

Brad is still waiting to hear about the job he interviewed for. Friday will be a month since he interviewed, and the man told him it would be a month before he made a decision. So we're just waiting. Waiting. Waiting. That's all we've done the last few months it seems. Wait on God. Wait on man. Wait on God some more.

I am praising God that my husband has been clean from porn for 9 months! That may be the longest he's ever been, I'm not sure. If it's not the longest, it's close. I try not to think about it too much, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if this is it, is it really over, or will he have another fall? There's no way for me to tell, that's for sure. I'm just giving him to You, God. I'm giving Him to You.

Well, I wish I had something else interesting to say, but I am literally about to fall asleep at the keyboard. (And it's only 9:30pm, I'm getting old)

I hope everyone had a great day, and I hope your marriage is stronger today than it was yesterday.

A Small, Guilt-Filled Rant

My friend and I had a great time working the booth at the State Fair for Operation Christmas Child. We talked to ALOT of people. Some had never heard of it, so we got to tell them all about this great ministry! Others who passed by had been participating in this ministry for years, so they got to tell us all about it! It was a fast four hours. Next year I hope to work more at this booth. I would love to work it with Brad. This would definitely get him out of his comfort zone. He has a hard time talking to strangers (funny, since he is desperately wanting to become a marriage counselor, huh?).


I am still in my "spiritual funk." How do you pray to get out of the funk when you can't seem to pray at all? No matter, I desperately want to reclaim the intimacy God and I once shared.


******************

Before I start this rant, let me say I love the church. The church as a whole, and my individual church. I love my church. I really do. But, there are a few things that are driving us crazy right now.


For example, the lack of true worship. We're sick of people "playing church"-us included. In fact, we could write the book on it. The title could be, "How to Appear Happy at Church When You Are Miserable."


For another example, passion. Passion about anything. I don't care if someone is passionate about sweeping the fellowship hall - I would just love to see some passion in this church. Now that I think about it, true worship and passion could be one in the same.


And for the last example, and perhaps the most dangerous of all, a pastor that cares. Oh dear God, please do not strike me down for typing that. But let me explain. Back in January, Brad and I sat in our pastor's office and poured our hearts out. Well, we didn't get into all the gory pornography details, but nevertheless, we told him our marriage was in trouble and that we needed help. We had hit rock bottom and wanted to let him, as our pastor, know it. We got the I'm-not-sure-what-to-say-but-I'm-sure-everything-will-work-out talk. He prayed with us, and I left somewhat encouraged, but apparently I left with the wrong expectations.


You see, I left expecting a phone call the next week or maybe the next month checking up on us. Or maybe I expected the occasional question about how we were making it. Perhaps I just expected any little sign that our conversation had not been totally wiped from his memory by some sort of freakish amnesia event. But, as I'm sure you can guess, my expectations were all wrong.


We have had no questions from our pastor about the state of our marriage, no phone call, no just-checking-in-with-you-guys conversation. Nothing. Would he have even cared if we got divorced?


Now, our marriage is stronger now than it was in January. So if he asks now, I would have good news to share with him. Maybe he thinks he can tell this from the "outside" and feels there is no need to ask and bring up old memories. Wrong. Also important to remember, since January, my husband has felt the calling of the Lord to be a marriage counselor. So if he is going to be a marriage counselor, that means we must have everything figured out, right? Wrong.


Let me share this tidbit of information from someone who has been there. It is never wrong to ask someone how their marriage is going. Because believe me, if their marriage is not going well, they are dying inside for someone to ask, someone to care, someone to give a whit whether their marriage makes it or crumbles around them. On the other hand, if their marriage is going great, they will also be glad to share that with you and maybe give you some good advice.


When Brad and I were at our worst, I would have given anything, and I mean anything, to have had just one person come alongside me and say, "Your marriage is important. Don't give up" But no one did. (I'm not counting my online friends - I don't know what I would have done without you guys - I'm talking about in-the-flesh people). Now, there is the argument that I didn't allow people to know enough about our hard times. And this may be true. Because remember, we were researching for the aforementioned book.


I am not sure what I wanted to accomplish with this post. I suppose asking for prayer would be a good place to end. Pray that this bitterness toward my pastor goes away. I do not want to hold any negative feelings against this man. I want to uplift him and encourage him and respect him as the leader of my church. But right now all I want to do is walk up to him and yell, "I'm getting a divorce. Thanks for all your help!"



************

P.S. As mentioned earlier, I am in a sort of spiritual downturn. I'm having a hard time "connecting" with God right now. Maybe these feelings toward my church are the result of that. Maybe if I were where I was supposed to be with God, I would not be feeling angry with my pastor. Maybe. But maybe not.



P.S.S. I am feeling quite guilty as I am about to post this. How dare I speak negatively of my pastor....Lord, forgive me. Is this the unpardonable sin?

Catching Up

Still no news on the job. The man told Brad it would be a month before he made a decision. It's only been two weeks. The waiting is hard.



I haven't gotten a peace one way or the other about this job. I'm just letting the Lord work it out I guess. Or maybe I have new-job fatigue. We go through this process every couple years or so. The only reason this job is more on our minds is the fact that it would double Brad's income therefore making it more plausible for him to go to school.



To be honest, I've been in a spiritual funk the last few weeks. I am finding it hard to pray, read my Bible, and even attending church feels like a chore right now. Do you ever feel that way? I hate it--I really do. It's such a gradual falling away, and then one day you wake up and wonder if God even remembers your name.....



Brad and I are at a decent place right now. Not great, but not horrible. Just in the middle. Like everything else in our life. Not wonderful, not horrible. Just average.



I am going to our State Fair this afternoon with a friend of mine. We volunteered to work in a booth telling people about Operation Christmas Child. If you are not familiar with Samaritan's Purse and this ministry, please check it out at http://www.samaritanspurse.org/ and click on the flying shoebox logo on the right side of the page. This is a fun and easy ministry project that impacts children around the world. Please check it out! I'm sure you'll be hearing more about this from me later.

Hope everyone has a great weekend. Stay strong.

Fireproof - Go See It Now!

Unfortunately I did not get to see Fireproof on the all-anticipated opening weekend because we were on our camping trip.

Brad arranged for a babysitter (after several reminders that he had promised to do so), and took me to see this movie last night.

This is a gotta-see-now movie. My eyes are swollen this morning from crying. I swear the people at Sherwood have had hidden cameras in my house for the past three years and then wrote the script from their footage.

It is powerful. It is sad. It is funny. It is unpredictable. It is worshipful.

It will evoke emotions in you that you thought might have been buried. I know it did for me. It brought back the pain, but in a good, healing way.

If your marriage is not in a good place, go see this movie. If your marriage is in a good place and you are struggling to keep it there, go see this movie.

You will not be disappointed.

Our Weekend

Hey everybody! We had a great time on our camping trip! Even though we were not far from home, it was nice to get away from the house and the "real world" for a while. The kids had a blast. My son caught a fish while fishing with his uncle. My daughter played on the playground right by our camper. Brad and I played alot of tennis and rode bikes together. The last picture is of my little girl after we got home. She slept like that for quite a while! Too cute!

His interview went well. It was a long one, about three hours. He had to take a six-part test, everything from spelling to grammar to science. He took the test before he actually had the face-to-face interview. He did really well on the test, actually Brad scored more than the man interviewing him did. Maybe that counts for something. Brad has no confidence that he will get this job. He does not feel like he has the experience they are looking for. If he got this job, his income would double. Yes, double, what he makes now. We could get out of debt and start paying for school. But, the bad side to this is that he would be away from home two nights a week. There's all kinds of things to be said about that. I don't like it at all. I'm sure you can understand why.

I will keep you updated on the job. The guy told Brad it would be a while before he made a decision.

Hope you enjoy the pictures. I'm still not that adept at knowing how to post pictures, but I'm learning as I go. Thanks for thinking of us this weekend. Love you guys!

No Raise - No Overtime

If you read my last blog, you read about my husband not getting a raise this year.

When he got home yesterday, he handed me a letter from the mayor. It explained that no city employee would be able to work any overtime.

This may not seem like a big deal, but to us it is a very big deal. During the spring and summer, Brad works alot of weekends. He gets paid overtime for this of course. We take that money from the overtime and save it for the winter when he is not getting any overtime. I don't know what we would do without it.

Surprisingly, hubby took this pretty well. He says hopefully it will be worked out by next spring/summer.

Also, it's easier for him to take this news knowing he has this job interview today and he may be able to tell the City where to stick it soon.

He's at the interview right now. Say a quick prayer for him please! He was really, really nervous!

Thanks guys!

A Camping We Will Go....

We've had good moments this week and bad moments. I guess that means it was a "normal" week, huh?

First the bad.

In the span of two days, we found out that Brad's parents cannot (or will not?) help him with the cost of school. This bites. We were really assuming they would. Not that we want handouts or anything, but these are the people that bought us a computer and had it shipped to our door without any prior knowledge from us. Or the people that tried to buy us a refrigerator online until we found out about it and told them, politely, no thanks. We'll buy our own. The people that show up with four new tires shoved in their backseat for my vehicle. Don't get me wrong, it is definitely nice for them to do that kind of stuff, but it just gets weird sometimes. So maybe now you can see why we were a little surprised. Although I guess I need to remember that the price of a refrigerator does not really compare to the price of a graduate degree.

Next, we found out that Brad is not getting a raise this year. Remember, he works for the City's parks & rec department. The city budget is in a "crisis," so no city employees are getting raises this year. Not policemen, firemen, and especially not the guy who cuts all the grass on the fields (that would be my hubby.) An interesting sidenote to this is that the city put in a Splash Pad this summer. A water park of sorts. It cost a fortune. And it wasn't quite the hit that it was expected to be. Granted, it opened later than expected and we had alot of bad weather around its opening, but still it was a sort of disappointment. The city heads are saying next summer will be better since they will have a whole summer to work with. And hopefully better weather.

My husband feels like the city would have been better served to forego the splash pad and give raises to their employees! Of course, the city has told them that if the budget gets straightened out, etc. that they may receive raises yet. I'm not holding my breath. According to my husband, there are several thousand dollars "missing" and the city accountant has already left his job. Not sure if he was fired, pressured to leave, or what exactly. But it seems like it could get very interesting over the next year or so.

But maybe Brad will miss all that.

Now for the good.

First, Brad has a job interview tomorrow. Yeah! He is so excited. Trying not to get his hopes up but it's hard not to. He would be sales manager over guys traveling and selling landscape stuff. (Forgive me, but that's about as technical as I can get). We do have questions about the position, but he's almost sure it would be more money and no weekend work. I will keep you guys posted on how it goes.

Next, we're going camping this weekend. Yeah! We've waited months and months for this little weekend getaway, and I can't believe it is FINALLY here. My parents, my sister, her husband, and their two girls, and the four of us are going camping. This is a yearly tradition with my family. We usually find a state park and rent cabins. This year we changed it up a little bit and have rented campers at a campground near the water. I am so looking forward to it. Just sitting around, grilling, talking, eating, and doing nothing special. No cell phones, no computer, no TV. Ahhhh, heaven.

Well, I will be back next week as soon as I can. I will have to tell you about the interview. Just pray that this is THE JOB that will allow us to pay for Brad's classes and fulfill God's will. That is surely our prayer!

Love you guys!

Any Advice?

Would God call my husband to a ministry, then not give him the means to accomplish it?

Brad feels God has placed a call on his life to become a marriage counselor, especially to help men struggling with sexual issues.

The trouble is he needs a degree in marriage and therapy counseling to do this. The bigger trouble is that getting a master's degree is very, very expensive. The biggest trouble is that we do not have any money.

So what to do? We are determined not to take out another student loan (we're still paying off a student loan from a "going-back-to-school" stint my husband did a few years ago. )As strong as Brad feels this call on his life, we feel just as strongly about staying away from more crippling debt.

So what do we do?

Brad has applied to Liberty University. They offer the degree online. That would be the ideal setup. He could keep his day job and go to school too.

Does anyone know of a good grant, scholarship program, etc., for adults wanting to further their education? What do you think of the idea of us asking our church to help us? Or his parents? We're just not sure what to do.

Thanks for letting me vent my thoughts, however scattered they may be.

I hope you all had a worshipful experience at church this morning.

Love you guys.

If They Ask, I Will Tell

Things have been up and down here lately. Hubby and I haven't been in the best of moods. Most of it my fault because of my "issue." My issue being, can I say it and not be judged? Lack of libido. No sex drive. Cold. Frigid. Prude. And the adjectives could go on and on. Hubby gets so frustrated, and I completely understand, I do, but it's like I can't make myself feel frisky when I don't, ya know? I could analyze myself to death over this and try to figure out why I'm like this but I have a feeling even when I figure it out, I would still be this way. (Refer to quote in post below). I've gotta do something or hubby is going to go crazy, er, crazier. Anyway, I don't want to take up the whole post on this issue-although I'm sure I could-but I would like to know if any of my readers deal with this problem - please tell me I'm not alone! Is there anyone else out there that could take it or leave it where sex is concerned?

Something pretty cool happened today, and I would like to share it with you. My husband goes to Celebrate Recovery every Sunday night he can. This means he misses church with his family. I don't really like that, but I like it less when he is not in recovery, so I don't fuss. Anyway, since he is not with me at church, I get the questions. Where is Brad? Is Brad okay? Is Brad sick tonight? Are you by yourself? Where is that deadbeat husband of yours? (Okay, the last one has never been said, but I see it in their faces). I have been covering for him by usually saying he is in a meeting and leaving it at that. But I'm sick of it. So now I'm going to say it. I'm going to stand up straight and say "He is at Celebrate Recovery."

So I did this Sunday night. Well, I did it 50% of the time. About four people asked, and with two of them I stood up straight and said, "He is at Celebrate Recovery." The other two was a little intimidating, and I said, "He's at a meeting." Well, forgive me. This is a new skill I'm learning.

I told two people. And guess what? One of those people called our house today. She talked to Brad for about half-an-hour or longer. Come to find out she had a problem with prescription drugs a few years ago and because of her job is required to attend meetings, be drug tested, etc. Whoa! This is a girl we considered our friend, she is in our Sunday School class, and we did not know. Granted, we did not know her when she was struggling with her addiction, but apparently when we met her she had not been clean but for a few months. And we didn't know anything. She shared with hubby her struggles and how she had wanted to share with someone in the Sunday School class, but she did not think anyone would understand. She thought she would be shunned. Oh, how sad. But thank the Lord, she has shared her story now and I pray she feels a peace and comfort in the fact that she is not alone in her recovery. Even though her and hubby are recovering from very different things, the process is probably alot the same.

Maybe, just maybe, there are more people sitting in our church pews wanting to scream for help. Perhaps, just perhaps, they are sitting in the pews of your church.

I'm thankful I told her where hubby was that night, and because of her courage, I will tell 100% of the people that ask. Then I'll sit back and watch God work.

Hubby's Visit

Hubby went to visit his cuz in prison this past weekend. He says it was very emotional for both of them. I will try and describe to you what he said it was like.

Of course when you arrive you have to be processed. Hubby had already been approved as a visitor, but there were more forms he had to fill out once he arrived. Everyone had to have a picture on file, and since this was hubby's first visit, he had to have his picture made. Once they were done with the processing, they were put in a line. Every other person or so would be pulled to the side and patted down. They would go through one door and stop until everyone was in and the door was closed behind them. Then the next door would open and so forth.

The visiting area was a room about the size of my house (which is pretty small). The visitors were taken in and asked to find a seat. Then they sat and waited for their family member/friend/prisoner person to enter the room. Hubby estimated 200 or more people were in there by the end of the day. All talking at the same time with concrete floors and walls. The echo was almost unbearable. And there was absolutely no privacy. You just pulled up a couple of chairs and sat and talked to each other.

The saddest thing to me was the fact that Steven (that's not his real name, but just for the sake of the story, I'll call him that) could not get up once he sat down. The visitors could get up and move around, go to the vending machine, bathroom, etc. But the prisoners came in the room, sat down, and could not get back up. If they did, they were escorted back to their cell. This saddened me. I'm not sure why exactly. I guess it just hit home that they have absolutely no freedom. None.

They visited for about two hours and then the call came for all visitors to leave. The prisoners stood on a line and were escorted out the back door to a place hubby never got to see. Steven had told hubby that he would be strip searched after he left. Again, no freedom, no privacy.

Yes, Steven broke the law. He was online chatting with what he thought was a minor but all the time was the FBI. Steven is not a bad person. In fact, he is one of the best people I know.

Therefore the purpose of this post: This can happen to anyone. If it can happen to Steven, believe me it can happen to you or your hubby. I would have never dreamed in a million years that Steven would be there. Not a million years. I believe if every would-be-sex-offender or would-be-criminal of any sort had to tour a prison, it might act as a great deterrant.

Now I must speak of how this has affected my hubby. I asked him point blank how this has affected his recovery. He said there was a positive and a negative aspect. Of course, the positive aspect is just what I mentioned above. He sees what can happen if you allow your lust/flesh to completely take over and he does not want to lose his family and end up in jail. Great reasons to continue in an active recovery! On the other hand, it is very depressing. And the sadder my hubby gets, the more disconnected he becomes from me and all the guys in his group. The more disconnected he becomes, the more isolated he becomes. The more isolated he becomes, the more he feels inadequate. And boom. He acts out.

Now this has not happened and I pray it does not. But he is certainly at the depressing, sad, and disconnected stage right now. We've hardly talked at all this week and when we have tried to talk we both ended up with bad attitudes toward each other.

I do have a praise though! On the way to the prison, there are two adult bookstores with huge flashing red XXX signs inviting you in. I had forgotten all about the fact that hubby would have to pass these. (I missed a great opportunity to worry!) :) Nonetheless, he made it past them, but said he was quite anxious. He called his accountability partner and talked to him until he was past the exit.

On a completely different and lighter note, I have a cousin in the hospital having a baby boy right now! Hopefully soon I'll be getting a phone call saying baby boy is here and healthy. I'll let you know!

Have a great day everyone.

A Great Quote

I wanted to share a quote from a book I am reading. It is from "Out of Control and Loving It" by Lisa Bevere. Hope you are having a good day!

"You can spend your whole life figuring out why you are messed up and still be messed up once you've figured it out."

Sad Hubby-Sick Son

Today was supposed to be a wonderful, life-changing day. This is the day classes began at the seminary.

Is hubby there? No. Hubby is not starting seminary this fall nor this spring. We will be praying he starts fall 2009. I keep telling hubby to trust God's timing--believe His timing is best. And look at it this way, another year to find the right job, save more money, and get mentally prepared for this challenge. I'm saying all this to hubby, but all he feels is another big, fat disappointment in his life. Another failure.

To add to this, our son is sick. Now, our son does not get sick often but when he does it is usually a doozy. He has already missed two days of school and it looks like he will miss the rest of the week as well. He is running a high fever and is at times delirious. He got up in the middle of the night and tried to go outside. Another time he got up and opened the fridge. When you try to talk to him, he just babbles nonsense. He is saying words, but it does not make sense. If it wasn't so sad, it'd be funny.

Because I am working three days a week now (at the preschool), hubby had to take off work and stay home with our son. Yes, I could have taken off, but it's only the second week of school! I hated to do that, so hubby agreed to stay home. He said it was almost ironic that he was sitting at home on the day he was hoping to be sitting in a classroom.

This house is depressing.

We Survived!

We survived the first week of school! It went well. Unfortunately my daughter had a sinus infection and did not feel too good. Even so, she went into her classroom without any tears or hesitation. Thank God! My class is going to be a good one I think. I have eight children, 4 boys and 4 girls. I have some really talkative girls and some really quiet boys! They are all unique in their own way, and I cannot wait to get to know them throughout this year and see them grow into kids who are ready for "big school!"

I work three mornings a week from 8 - 12 and sometimes I will have to stay until 1:30. When I get home I immediately try to get daughter down for a nap so that I can get on the computer and start my transcribing. To say the least, I am tired at night, but it's a good tired.

The extra money will come in handy too. I get paid twice a month and we decided to put one of those checks into our savings account and the other check toward hubby's truck note. This is our plan. Maybe we can stick to it. As I've mentioned in the past, the winter time is our hardest time financially because hubby works absolutely no overtime. There may be a month or two where we have to use my checks just to make it through the month. That will be okay too I guess.

I really want to thank God for this job. He provided it--and I'm so thankful.

Now we're wondering if He will provide a job for hubby. As you know, hubby wanted to start seminary this fall. However, that will not happen. Classes start next week and hubby has no job to accommodate his class schedule. No, this seminary does not offer night classes or online classes. So hubby needs a night job in order to go to class during the day. We're praying he can start in the spring or at least by next fall.

I would like to ask all my readers to click over to my friend Michael's blog, http://the-confessions-of-a-porn-addict.blogspot.com and give him some encouragement. We all need it now and then, don't we?

I had a very, very interesting comment posted on an old post of mine. I am going to be posting in response to that very soon--as soon as I figure out exactly what I want to say.

I hope everyone had a good week and a good worship service this morning. This is the second week I've posted on a Sunday. It's really the only good time I have to do it. Hubby and daughter are asleep and son is playing at a friend's house.

Thanks for reading,

Amy

"You'll Fit Right In"

'You'll Fit Right In Mrs. Amy's class!" That's what my door says on top with a puzzle on the bottom with a child's name on each piece. I guess it's a cute idea, but I had to use different colored letters and various sizes of letters because of availability. I think it would look better in all black, but there were not enough black letters to say all that.



This door looks pretty good until you walk down the hall and see some of the works of art on the other doors. Wow, some people are really talented!



The parents come to the school today to meet me and see their child's room. Then I meet the children tomorrow but they do not stay all day (just an hour). Tuesday is our first "official" day of preschool.

BTW, yesterday was mine and hubby's 11th anniversary! I cannot believe it has been 11 LONG years already! We did absolutely nothing. And I mean nothing. That's okay though. We celebrated last year for our 10th. We'll probably do something fun again for the 15th. But the 11th just kind of got passed over. We were together all day and although hubby has been pretty grumpy lately, it was overall a good day.

Have a great Lord's Day!

Have I Told You?

It just dawned on me that I do not think I have told you what new "adventure" I am starting tomorrow!

I have agreed to teach 4-year-old preschool at a church here in town. I am very excited about this! I graduated from college with a degree in Elementary Education so this is going back to my roots so to speak. I have not taught in a long time. The last time I did so was 2-year-old Mother's Morning Out, and no offense to 2-year-olds, but I was mainly a glorified babysitter. I believe (and earnestly hope) that I will actually be teaching the 4-year-olds and getting them ready for "big school." I will have eight little ones, and I have been praying for the eight calmest 4-year-olds in this entire world to be in my class! I hope this is one prayer I get answered! BTW, my 3-year-old daughter will be at the same preschool in her own class. This is the main reason I am doing this. I wanted her to be socialized, but I wanted it to be tuition-free :)

My stress-out is this: I have to decorate my door. Something cutesy, you know? You should also know I am not a cutesy sort of girl. At all. But, guess what? My hubby is actually good at that sort of thing. ( I know, who would have thought?) He has brainstormed with me and we have come up with an idea (with a little help from online examples as well). I don't want to tell you about it yet. I am going to take a picture of my door once it is completed and post it here. Please be gentle with your opinions. I've never had to do a door before. I hate bulletin boards, so a door seems overwhelming!

Anyway, to switch gears for a minute, something is in my eye. No really. Something has been in there since Sunday night and it is getting to me. It is not really painful, but it is quite annoying. I have an eye appointment tomorrow. The problem is I am not covered on hubby's vision insurance. There is no telling how much this will cost. I am praying that whatever this is will heal on its own so we don't have to spend the money. For some reason, that verse about removing the plank from your own eye before trying to remove your brother's speck keeps coming to mind........

Love y'all.

Mute the Music

Forgot that I had music on my blog now. Boy, this is getting complicated!

To watch the trailer AND hear it without hearing my music at the same time, just scroll down and pause my playlist at the very bottom of my blog.

This is probably insulting to most of you, but I am still learning at all this so I'm just telling you what I would need someone to tell me!

Love you guys and enjoy the trailer! I wish we could all meet up at a theater and watch it together!

Click on Watch Videos and then click on Official Trailer. I read an article on this movie, and it hints that pornography is an issue between the on-screen couple. I am looking forward to seeing how they handle this subject. Just wanted to share this with you guys. Have a great day!

Psalm 56:8

This past weekend was the pits. And I don't really even know why. Hubby admitted he has been in "addict mode," but assured me he was not acting out. He was however struggling with lustful thoughts, memories of his past, and discouragement about his future. All in all, he was just in a bad place.


So was I. For some reason (I'm still trying to figure out the reason, if there even is one), I just wanted to cry all weekend. And I did cry alot. I cried whenever I could. I did have to stop crying Saturday morning in order to go to a ladies gettogether at church. And I know just when to stop crying so that my eyes recover and I don't get the question, "Have you been crying?" I learned that little trick right after my discovery about hubby's porn use. If I stopped crying by 2 p.m., he could not tell I had been crying when he arrived home from work. And I did not want him to know I was crying every single day. Back then my tears had meaning. My tears were therapeutic, cleansing me of the shame and disgust I was feeling inside. More importantly, my tears were bringing me ever so closer to my Maker, who took me in his arms and forever implanted these words on my heart, "Amy, fall into My arms, for I will never leave you nor forsake you." This verse still remains my favorite.


But back to the tears of the weekend. They were somewhat lacking in purpose. Friday night went pretty well until bedtime, until you-know-what was brought up. And you-know-who was not in the mood. Hubby, who remember is in addict mode, did not take to this very well. But bless his heart, he doesn't give up. Saturday morning he woke up early with one thing on his mind. Excuse me? The kids could be up any minute, are you crazy? This was it for him and once again, we had the discussion of discussions about our sex life. And all I could do was cry. The rest of Saturday was okay. Hubby did some things around the house that needed to be done, so I was really grateful for that. We had a good evening with our kids doing nothing special, but just hanging out at the house. Then came Saturday night bedtime. I knew hubby was still mad but now he was being stubborn as well. He went right to sleep. I guess he had given up on me.


Sunday morning I felt really strange at church. I had regressed to my old thoughts. Every female I saw was my enemy. Trying to steal my husband. Every female I saw was prettier than me. Built better than me. Peppier than me. And I'm sure each of them had a bigger sex drive than me. I felt little, invisible.


I fell apart when we got home. The tears would not stop. Hubby locked the door to our bedroom so the kids could not come in. He sat in a chair facing mine. I talked. I cried. I wanted hubby to take me into his arms and tell me he loved me. I just wanted to be in his arms period. He didn't have to say anything. But, as I have mentioned a couple of times already, hubby was in "addict mode," not "loving husband mode," so he could not give me what I needed. I don't necessarily blame him, but I just see it for what it is now. He said something that ticked me off, made me feel stupid for crying, and I just wanted to scream. When will they learn to take us into their arms and just let us cry?


"Amy, fall into My arms, for I will never leave you nor forsake you."

Now I Need Pictures

I hope you guys are patient as I "talk out" ways to make this blog better. I have realized that I need pictures. I have added music, now I need pictures. Don't you think?

Now I have been to some blogs that are just FULL of pictures and have very little text. That will not be me. But, I do think it will personalize this blog a little more if I add pics. That along witht the fact that I have two adorable children make me think I need pictures.

When I started this blog, I was obsessed about anonymity. I did not want anyone to know who I was. Now I'm not worried quite so much. I would feel very safe posting pics on here now.

So I guess I have to keep my camera handy. And I'm not the best picture-taker by the way. Like I said, I hope you guys are patient.

On a totally different note, and a sadder one, my hubby is SOOOOOOO down right now. Seeing that his dream of starting seminary is 99% shot right now, he is feeling like a failure.

He said to me last night that everything seemed to be going so smoothly before we shared our "vision" of what our future would look like with everyone. Our "call" so to speak. When no one knew what was going on, positive things seemed to be happening almost daily. Since we shared with our families, friends, and our church family, the brakes have been put on and as hubby put it, he is left looking like "an idiot."

He has shared with me that inadequacy is one of his core values that led to his porn addiction. He has never in his WHOLE LIFE felt "good enough," or adequate to complete any task that may lie ahead of him. And with that mindset, he usually lived up to his expectation.

Guys, I'm worried about him if this dream of becoming a counselor does not work out. He truly feels God has called him to do this; however, I can see severe depression ahead for him if this does not come to be. He will feel like the ultimate failure; the kind God himself could not even help.

Am I worried about him having a relapse into his addiction? Yes. The farther down in discouragement and despair he gets, the harder it is for him to resist. So yes, I am worried. But I have given it to the Lord.

I have tried to figure out a way to be encouraging to hubby, and this is what I've thought about doing. I'd like to know what you think. The end of this month marks 6 months of porn-free life for hubby. I thought about getting a babysitter and surprising hubby with a little celebration to commemorate this milestone. Is that corny? If you are the addict reading this, would you like your wife to do that or would it freak you out? I'm just curious.

Well, thanks for reading again today.

I've Got Music!

Hear it? Neat, huh?

Noticed alot of blogs were putting music on their blogs. Thought it added a nice touch. Check out the songs on my playlist. There are just a few; I suppose I can add more later? Not sure. I am definitely learning as I go.

Hope you enjoy the music. If not, just turn your volume down when you come here! But how could I go wrong with Mercy Me, Casting Crowns, Selah, Echoing Angels, and a little Rascal Flatts?!?

Faith versus Common Sense

As expected, last week was a very busy week. We had Vacation Bible School at church every night from Sunday through Thursday with Family Night on Friday night. Our VBS was very successful this year. Several kids indicated an interest in becoming a Christian. My son actually prayed and asked Jesus into his heart! We are thrilled! What a great joy as a parent to see your child make this decision!

I was a little concerned at first. I mean, he is quite young, ( 7 1/2 ) but after my hubby and I talked to him, I was convinced he knew exactly what he was doing and why. So now we are waiting to see when his baptism is scheduled. I have several family members that are planning on making the hour-long trip to see him get baptized. That will be a special day. I plan on buying him a nice Bible and giving it to him on that day.

A word on my hubby's seminary quest: Nothing. The word is nothing. God is still allowing nothing to happen. Hubby has not found a night job that would allow him to go to school during the day. He needs a part-time night job with good pay and good benefits. Not easy to come by.

This is my question to you and to God....Where should my common sense end and my faith begin? This is what I mean, if hubby is offered a job making $3 less an hour than he needs to make to pay all our bills, is God expecting us to use our common sense to say, "No, we can't take that job. It's impossible." Or is that where we should say, "No, we can't pay all our bills on $3 less an hour, but with God all things are possible."?

Does anybody get what I am saying? I'm having alot of trouble with common sense versus faith. Common sense tells you not to run out in the interstate at rush hour. Common sense tells you not to touch a red-hot stove eye. But if you had enough faith, could you say, "I'm running across these five lanes of traffic, and I have faith that God will keep me safe."

I brought this up to my hubby and he actually had a very good explanation. He basically said God would never ask you to do anything on faith that would bring you harm. Like running across five lanes of traffic. However, God might ask you to take a huge pay cut in order to bring Him glory and put you in His will, i.e., attending seminary.

I don't know. I want to have faith. I think I do have faith. But when it comes down to the livelihood of my family and my children having food to eat, maybe I'm still too self-reliant.

I want my hubby in seminary to become a marriage & family therapist. I believe this is God's calling on his life. Right now though, it seems like God called Him and then forgot Him. He wouldn't do that would he?

BTW, I realized that this month makes 6 months my hubby has been free from porn. His last binge was in January. That was the worst month of our entire marriage. I thought it was ending. God really worked a miracle in our relationship. Why is it then so hard for me to believe He can work another one and get my hubby in school? Please, God, give me the faith.

Two Great Concerts!

We went to see Mercy Me Friday night, and they were really, really good! It was an outdoor concert at a fair, and in my opinion those are the best kinds. You can't beat an outdoor concert. I recognized alot of their songs but of course "I Can Only Imagine" is probably their most widely-known song. The best surprise of the night was a group by the name of "Echoing Angels" out of Atlanta, GA. I had never heard of them before. Hubby said he had heard of them but only knew one of their songs. They did an awesome job. We have predicted them to go a long way in the Christian music world. In fact, we bought one of their CDs. So we are helping them on their way. Disclaimer: If you do not like loud, rocking, feel-the-beat-in-your chest sorts of concerts, these two groups are not for you. If you do, then I suggest finding the next concert nearest to you. You won't regret it.

On another note, our Vacation Bible School starts tonight. I somehow got wrangled into teaching music. I have a teenager helping me, so I suspect she will do most of the work. I will just be there for crowd control. We have a small church and therefore a small group at VBS. It's always a fun week, but a tiring one.

I have to go get ready for church. By the way, hubby is supposed to sing the special this morning. He's trying to figure a way out of it. He gets nervous, but he always does a great job.

Have a great Lord's Day.

Joshua 1:9

Hubby had his interview yesterday evening. He said the interview went well, but the pay stunk. So he is even more discouraged now than ever. Why are we so easily discouraged??? Please, God, give us the faith we need for this journey.

I know God is able, but if I am honest with you, I just don't see my hubby sitting in a classroom this fall. Maybe this just isn't God's timing. I'm not saying I have given up; however, I am saying I do realize God's timing is not ours. I am also realizing that God's timing is slow as molasses.

The bad thing is that hubby hates his current job (what's new, he's hated every job he has ever had...) He just sent me a text saying, "I hate this place." Gee, hon, thanks for being so positive and uplifting.

I want to thank my new readers for finding me! ( hey Sarah! :) )

Oh, yeah, I wanted to tell you guys that hubby and I are going to see Mercy Me tonight! They are performing at a fair in a nearby town (which happens to be my hometown) so we're going to meet up with my sister and her family and go to the concert together. My kiddos are staying at my mom's. The concert doesn't even start until 8:30 so I figured it best that they stay with Grandma and get to bed at a decent hour. Okay, okay, I just want a night out without them. What's wrong with that, huh?

God Bless You All. Stay strong!

Discouraged

Hubby and I did not communicate very well last night. Every time we tried to talk, the result was aggravation leading to anger. We finally decided it was better if we did not try to talk at all.

It was a very hard day for hubby. He's had alot of hard days lately. Just thinking about his friend sitting in a prison cell is almost too much for him to handle. He would not answer his phone last night when some of his group members and his accountability partner tried to call. It is ironic that when he feels his worst, and when he needs someone to talk to the most, he won't reach out for help.

I did come out and ask him if he was clean. He promises he is. I'm trying to believe him.

Hubby is also doubting his calling to the ministry. He is starting to feel like it was all a cruel joke. School is supposed to start in August, and he does not have tuition, a new job, or the $800 (!) for books. How did we ever think we could do this? I try to be encouraging to him, but to be honest, I don't know what to say exactly. Now that we have told everyone about our "calling," it's as if we don't feel it anymore. We're afraid we're going to end up looking like idiots. Where is that feeling of certainty we had just a few weeks ago? And where is God?

I am so easily swayed these days. I want to tell hubby God will work it out, but I can't get the words to come out of my mouth.

Where is my faith? Why can I not just put this in God's hands?

Hubby does have an interview tomorrow. It is for a part-time job at a Christian bookstore, so I'm sure they would be more flexible with his school schedule than some. However, if tuition money does not literally fall out of the sky, he won't even need this job.

Discouragement. That's what our home is full of right now. And I hate it.

Hard Day

Hello friends,

This is a hard day for hubby and I. This is the day our good friend has to report to prison. Of course, he and his wife are on my heart and in my thoughts today.

I talked to them both last night, and I made the wife promise to call me on her way home. What a long drive home she has. Alone. I could not sleep last night. Every time I woke up I was thinking about them. Wondering if they would sleep a wink or stay up talking all night. That was their last night together for three years.

Please say a prayer for this family today. Even though you do not know their names, God knows who they are.

Thank you,

Amy

The Next Step

I like to think that we have taken the next step in our "journey." We finally told my parents about hubby's decision to attend seminary and what we felt God was calling us to do. Granted, we did not get into details (like my hubby being addicted to internet porn), but we did share our heart for struggling marriages. My father was very quiet, and my mother asked some questions but not too many. I think they were in shock.

I also told my sister. I did get into a little more details with her, but still no mention of the porn, just that our marriage had hit bottom a few months ago. She said we were an "inspiration," and that meant alot to me. I always felt she was the "perfect" one in our family with a "perfect" marriage (like those exists!?). However, she readily admitted that they in fact had their own share of troubles. We are planning on the four of us getting together over supper one day in the near future to share more.

Sunday was perhaps the most moving day. We went forward and dedicated our lives to the Lord and to His service. Our pastor presented us to the church as having "surrendered to the ministry." For some reason, that phrase makes me crazy, and I want to scream out, 'No, he's not a preacher, he's going into counseling, Christian counseling!" The pastor did eventually get around to the fact that hubby was enrolling in Marriage & Family Therapy. But anyway, we stood up front and everyone came by and offered words of support and encouragement. That was a great moment, very uplifting. We found out people had been praying for us and they did not even know why they were being led to pray for us. They came up to us and said, "Now I know why." Amazing.

So we feel a great burden lifted. Everyone knows now. What a relief. Funny thing is, nobody knows about the porn addiction. Well, just a few people do. And that's okay. I have come to realize that everyone does not need to know about that. Only if it will benefit the person or bring praise to the Lord would we disclose that piece of info. Otherwise, we feel comfortable saying, "You know what, our marriage was not what we were pretending it to be. In fact, the devil was working overtime to tear us apart and came very close to succeeding." "But through God's grace and mercy, our marriage survived and yours can too." There are issues behind every marriage. The feelings are all the same. So unless we discern a person really needs to know about the specific porn issue in our marriage, we will just give hope and encouragement through our Lord Jesus Christ no matter what the issue.

Now to where I am today, in this very moment.

I am struggling with believing. Believing God can provide money for school and money for us to live on. I am struggling with believing that God is going to do what He has promised us. I am just struggling. I pray for faith, every night I do, but the next day the thoughts are back in my mind. How is this possible? This is a ridiculous pipe dream. How can you even think you can help other couples when you don't have it together yourself?

This is the devil I know. Get thee behind me, Satan! I want to believe in God's perfect and pleasing will. I pray this for my hubby as well. He is having a hard day at work today. He is in a "bad place." He is feeling fearful, hopeless, useless, and worthless. In his own words, he says his "thoughts are everywhere today." Translated this means, "I am struggling with lustful thoughts today." I tried to encourage him. To lift Him up. I'm not sure I did, but I tried.

Also, our friend found out that he has to report to prison on July 8th. That is weighing heavy on our hearts and minds. I am still in contact with his wife. She is understandably anxious and depressed about losing her husband, her best friend, for three years.

I told my hubby that anytime I want to give up on this seminary dream, I think about what they are going through. If they can survive the next three years, surely we can too.

I pray for your marriage today. I pray for your husband's recovery. I pray for your recovery. I pray that God will show Himself to you today in a special way. I consider you my friend, and I am praying for you.

Through The Eyes of a Child

My son has his first "spend-the-night" guest tonight. A friend from down the street. They are pretty new in this neighborhood, and he and my son have really hit it off.

The thing I find amazing is that our guest's skin color is not the color of ours, and no one seems to notice or even more importantly, care.

I find that extremely refreshing. You could argue that as they get older things will change, but I don't think so. I think our children are growing up in a culture where skin color is a non-issue. Shame on the parents who make it one.

He's In!

Hubby received an e-mail yesterday stating he has been accepted to seminary! Wow! What an amazing moment! God is taking a guy with a degree in turfgrass management and putting him into a marriage and family therapy program at a seminary! Who would have ever imagined? Only God.

And only God can make this happen. I say this because we have no answers to any of our questions. The questions about money, living arrangements, money, class schedules, jobs, money, and oh yeah, did I mention money?

As you know, we have really strived this year to become debt-free or closer to it anyway. We have done well although we are not there yet. We are saving more and more money and I feel good about that. However, we have nowhere near a college education saved up. And we still have to pay our monthly bills. Oh, my dear God in heaven, what do you have in store for us?

Hubby was excited as he read the e-mail. He really needed this confirmation...it did wonders for his psyche. It only took him about 2.5 minutes to go from excitement to nervous fear however. God, I pray for our faith to rest solely in you. When my hubby graduates from seminary, we will have no other choice but to look back and say "It was all because of You."

Our nemesis, the devil, wasted no time as usual. Hubby called me from work this morning and sounded very defeated. He told me about a dream he had. A dream so vivid he felt as if he should call and confess to me and apologize. He dreamed he was in front of a computer binging on porn.

My hubby has been sober from internet porn since January. He had a slip-up in the September before that. Before that one, he had stayed sober for almost 9 months.

However, this dream got to him. He said it was the most vivid dream he has ever had. It really shook him up. I tried to encourage him by reminding him of the truth and encouraging him to look toward the future and not the past.

With that said, I would like to end with this thought. Beth Moore has a bible study called "Stepping Up." My church is doing this together on Wednesday nights. As you might know, Beth has a past history of abuse. She states that she never wants to forget the pain. That may sound strange, but I so know where she is coming from.

I never want to forget the pain I felt after discovering my hubby's "secret life." I never want to forget the despair and hopelessness I felt after discovering I had been lied to over and over for years on end. I never want to forget the feeling of my heart literally breaking inside me and silently crying out for someone, anyone, to care enough to ask.

I do not want to forget the pain. Why? Because if I can remember the pain, I will be more equipped to come alongside others and truly listen. Listen and know their pain. Please, God, never let me forget.

Thank you for reading this post. I was excited to share this news with you guys! Please pray for us as I know the devil will be after my hubby more than ever. I will keep you informed.

Amy

An Evening with Rose

I must start by saying Happy Father's Day to all the fathers out there. I hope you are having a peaceful, easy day!

My hubby is working on this Father's Day....not all day though. He was at church with us this morning but had to leave immediately after. I bought him Krispy Kreme donuts and a Diet Coke along with a balloon for Father's Day. Food always works with him.

Hubby has had a hard few days lately. I can tell by the way he's been acting. Edgy. Quiet. Easily irritated. Overall just a grump. Bless his heart, he tries so hard, but just a simple trip to Wal-Mart can be overwhelming for him. The only comment he made yesterday after the Wal-Mart trip was how he is so sick of how women/girls dress during the summer months. He said he was "this close" to walking up to one of them and telling them just what they are doing.

Later in the day, our neighbor behind us was having trouble with some of her yard work, and I told hubby it would be nice if he went and helped her out. But he wouldn't. He couldn't. Too much of a temptation. Yes, she is very pretty, just his type in fact. And she dresses very skimpily to do her yard work. On one hand, I am very proud of him for realizing his limit and saying no. On the other hand, I want to scream and say, "Get over this already!" Geez, I mean, will there ever be a time he can see our neighbor and not want to jump her bones? (or whatever it is he wants to do to her)? I have improved in my reactions to situations such as these however. I accept it and move on. He did what he needed to do for his recovery, and I let it go at that. Do I wish he could have walked over, been a good neighbor, and helped her out? Yes. Do I wish he could walk up to any beautiful woman and not be overwhelmed by lustful thoughts? Yes, of course. But I guess until he can do this, he will just have to stay away from those beautiful women.

I wanted to tell you of a good experience we had as a family yesterday evening. Have you ever thought about someone, maybe someone you don't even know too well, and God just puts them on your heart to call? That happened to me yesterday and for once I obeyed the voice of God. I called Ms. Rose. Ms. Rose is around 80 years old and goes to our church. We don't know Ms. Rose that well, but she is always sweet and kind and I had heard she knew alot about plants and flowers. So I called Ms. Rose and asked if we could come "tour" her backyard. She said yes, and we all loaded up and went.

We arrived there and she began telling us story after story of each and every plant. The lilies she brought from her old house when she moved, the amaryllis she got from her mother almost 60 years ago, etc. Each plant had a story, and she was eager to tell it. It was a beautiful garden, and hubby and I got lots of good tips, and we even left with three different sorts of bulbs to plant. Thanks to Ms. Rose, we'll have something to look forward to in the spring!

I never knew Ms. Rose's husband, and I have never met her two children. Here's what I want to share with you. Standing in Ms. Rose's kitchen, I had a sobering thought. Standing there listening to her talk about her dog, her plants, her church, and her God, I got weak in the knees. Who will I be when it is just me? Fifty years from now, when my dear husband has passed and my children are gone, who will I be?

It is hard for me to fathom the thought of one day in the future someone knowing me without knowing my husband and children. I can't imagine what I will be like when I have no hubby or kids to take care of. Will I continue to be faithful to my God? I believe so. Will I continue to be active in my church? I hope so. Will I be eager and willing to share with younger women the story of my marriage? I pray I will.

The evening with Ms. Rose took us away to a serene place. A place where there are no visually-tempting neighbors and no internet-tempting computers. There was just peace. I felt it and hubby felt it. It did him such good. I don't know who benefited the most, us or Ms. Rose. She surely loved telling us her story, and isn't that what we all want? Someone just to listen to our story?

I thanked Ms. Rose for letting us come into her home. She invited us back anytime. When we saw her at church this morning, she grinned a little brighter at my children, and they went and gave her a hug. After attending church with her for six years, we finally know Ms. Rose. And we are all better for it.

Our "Fight"

So I told you I would post about our fight. It was really more of a discussion, a one-way discussion. Okay, I really just got chewed out by my hubby. It's not really that exciting, and it is even a little humorous when I look back on it, but I will tell you about it anyway.

We have a friend in the hospital and we were going to visit her. Kids were not with us, it was just me and hubby.

Now before we left for the hospital, hubby had made "a move" (I'm not sure the most appropriate way to say that), and I had turned him down cold. But I had my reasons! I wanted to finish my work, get supper done, go to the hospital, come home, and then maybe we could arrange a rendezvous. After all the other stuff on my list was done. Get it?

So hubby was furious. As noted in a previous post, he gets rejected alot. I'm just not into it. My doctor says it's my birth control pills and that if I stop taking them, my libido would come back. But that's not a risk we are willing to take. We are happy with our two happy, healthy children and would like to think our little family is finished growing.

Anyway, we're in the truck. Hubby lays into me. He basically says something has got to change and this time it ain't him. I've never seen him quite so animated and belligerent about not getting any. He was really in bad shape. I just kept saying, "I don't know what to do." Finally, he looked at me, banged his fists on the steering wheel while yelling "HAVE SEX!!!"

That's the funny part that we've laughed about since then. He yelled at me to have sex. Strangely funny.

The part of the one-way discussion I did not like was when he talked about how hard he is trying to stay pure and clean and porn-free but that not getting any on the homefront made it unbelievably difficult. I felt a little threatened by this, as if he was saying to me, "if you don't do this, I have no other choice but to do that."

I have come to the conclusion that hubby and I have never had a healthy sexual relationship. I told him when he becomes a certified counselor, I want to be his first client. I have lots of hangups when it comes to being intimate.

Hubby is better now of course, (and I'm sure you can guess why), but how do I keep this from happening again? Yeah, yeah, I know, have sex.

Seminary or Bust

My hubby sent off his application for seminary yesterday. This in itself is great.....I really do feel like he is following God's call in his life. Finally! However, as always, my mind goes to the following questions: What will my family think? How will we pay our bills? Will we have to move to a cheaper place? Is this really God's will for us? Hubby has applied online for several part-time jobs and we are waiting to see what happens with those. Please pray for God's guidance in all of this. I keep telling myself to trust in Almighty God. He will never leave us nor forsake us, right?

Let me try to tackle the question, "Is this really God's will for us?" I am still struggling with this, but I have learned to keep my eyes and Spirit open to affirmations God sends our way. For the last several weeks, hubby and I were feeling like God brought us to this great place and showed us a glimpse of how our future would be if we followed Him, and then it was as if He withdrew His presence and we could feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. We were in the desert so to speak. So, I started praying for another affirmation in order for me to know without a doubt this is the right path to walk.

So here's what happened: After church, a few of us were standing in the parking lot and one of the girls just burst out with the request for us to pray for her. She stood there through tears telling the ones of us around her about her struggling marriage and asking what she should do. Funny how those "touchy-feely" situations make some people so uncomfortable. A few people just sort of wandered off and the ones that were left were me, the pastor, and eventually the pastor's wife walked up as well. We talked for a long time, and I don't know if I said anything to encourage her other than this. I care and more importantly, God cares. I held her hand as the pastor prayed.

Okay, this is how slow I am. It was not until the drive home that it dawned on me that perhaps this was in fact an affirmation. Yes, God was saying, Yes, Amy, take my hand and I will lead you.

When I got home, I could barely wait to tell hubby. He was bursting to tell me about CR and how it had been so very soothing to his hurting soul that night. When he was done and I shared my experience with my hurting sister, it was like we just knew. We knew this was our calling.

He mailed his application two days later. There are still alot of unknowns, and honestly, that does send a panic through me.

And, as you well know, whenever you get on fire for God and get that deep-in-your-sould determination to follow Him no matter what, Satan sits up and takes notice. He wasted no time in our case......hubby and I got into a pretty good fight last night about what else? Sex.

I think you are probably tired of reading, and I need to get back to the typing I actually get paid for. I will post tomorrow about our fight, but just so you know, we did make up :)

Lying....or Not?

I was being a good little Baptist girl and reading my Sunday School lesson for last week and came across a statement that fueled a long, heated discussion with my husband.


The lesson was on forgiveness, but the statement concerned lying. We've had really good lessons this month, all about relationships and how to be trustworthy, forgiving, etc. Of course, everything (and I mean everything) gets filtered through my ever-present "SA filter." So maybe you wives will understand where I'm going with this and maybe you will agree with me since not too many people have.

Here's the statement. (I don't have the book beside me, so I'm paraphrasing).


.....telling the truth does not mean we have to disclose everything we know......


Okay, that may seem straightforward at first glance. And I suppose it is. I do agree with the statement, and I can think of many situations where disclosing everything I knew could have made a situation worse. I'm sure you can think of situations as well. In context of the paragraph, the author clearly meant it to promote honesty within the church, but to deter blabbermouths. I completely agree with this statement.


Except with my husband and his addiction. When I hold this statement up to our relationship and his honesty about his porn use, I come to a very different conclusion. If he does not tell me when he has looked at porn, and then I find out about it, that is just like lying to me. If he looks at porn today and doesn't tell me about it until June 29th, that is a full month of lies. Right?

Hubby does not think so. Get this, hubby believes it all depends on the question he is asked. If I do not specifically ask him if he has looked at porn today, then he is not lying. If I only ask how his day was, he can say "fine" and that to him is not a lie. If this logic is true, then it could be said that over the 10 years or so that hubby was binging on porn, wrecking our marriage, and keeping the whole crazy mess hidden from me, he never lied to me. Because I never asked him the specific question, "Are you looking at pornography?" I just knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what. So my question was usually, "What is wrong with you?"

Is this crazy to anybody else but me? Hubby knows I want to know within 24 hours of him looking at porn. So if he waits more than 24 hours, the result is LYING. His silence is a lie.

Now, I do understand that for you whose hubby's has actually had an affair with a living, breathing person, the word "disclosure" brings up a whole other issue. When? Where? How many times? What song was playing? And the list of questions could go on.....

Although I understand how you would want to know this, I also know that full disclosure is sometimes not the best way to go. Some things we are better off not knowing.

But I am just talking about honesty and trust between my hubby and me and him 'fessing up to looking at porn. I am not taking it upon myself to ask him every single day if he looked at porn...that is not my responsibility. I want him to have the courage to step up and take responsibility for it, no matter what question I might have asked.

I'm Feeling

For some reason, the only thing I want to do is lie in bed and cry today. I'm not feeling victorious, hopeful, or optimistic right now.

Hubby is angry with me. I don't want to give out too many details, but I bet you can figure it out. It goes back to that old saying, "money and sex, never enough of either one." He would definitely agree with the latter.

I've just not been in "the mood" lately. Okay, I haven't been in "the mood" for a long time. And he's angry. Says he will just stop even bringing it up anymore.

I know this is dangerous territory to put a porn addict in. Rejection from wife, feelings of inadequacy, feelings that something is inately wrong with him. I know all of that in my mind, but I just can't convince my body it's worth the time and effort right now.

Maybe subconsciously I'm testing him. Maybe subconsciously something is deeply rooted in me that I can't identify or eradicate. Or maybe I'm just tired.

Tired of thinking, planning, analyzing, praying, hoping, wanting, waiting. Tired.

I'm going to lie down.

You Won't Believe Where I've Been

This blog will be somewhat vague in order to protect any one person's identity. Please understand this as I try to tell this story with little to no details.

I've been wanting to blog about this for a long time, but I felt that out of respect and privacy for the couple, I could not. However, after yesterday, I feel it necessary to tell their story in order to deter others from going down the same path. At the same time, it is a wonderful story of God's grace and answered prayers.

I know a couple. They live in another state. Dear, dear friends of both my husband and me. Several months ago, we received devastating news that the male (I will just refer to him as "the male") had been arrested. I will not tell you the exact charge, but it was a crime of sexual nature involving the internet.

Shock. More shock. We were in shock. We could not believe it. This guy was a Christian man with more morals in his pinky than in my whole body. How could this have happened? Well, I think we know how. Internet porn. That's where it all started.

An interesting side note to this story: The day before we received the phone call about his arrest, I wrote in my journal the following words: "Today I pray for the Lord to send someone my way for me to help. A wife who needs ministering to." The very next morning the phone rang with the news of "the male's" arrest. I knew who I had to talk to. I had to talk to his wife.

Six days later, I called his wife and from that point on, we have been talking weekly. Her life has been changed forever. And I mean changed down to the smallest detail. She quickly filed for divorce as I think we all would, but after much prompting from the Holy Spirit, felt the Lord calling her to stay with her husband. Her church family and her family have pretty much shunned her for this decision.

So back to yesterday. Yesterday was his sentencing. My hubby and I went. None of his wife's family came. How sad. I sat next to her while the sentence was handed down to her husband.

Although he will spend years in prison, the sentence was lighter than we all expected, so we are praising God for that. I am also praising God because when we exited the courtroom, the few family that was there, along with the lawyer, all joined hands in a circle and "the male" led us in prayer! He had just been sentenced and he was leading us in prayer. Amazing.

They are hoping to write a book about their experience which is definitely not over yet. His wife will have alot of hard days ahead of her, but she is a strong Christian woman determined to make their marriage work.

My hubby has been strongly affected by this whole matter as you can imagine. And sitting in a courtroom listening to a lawyer explain how this slippery slope was all started in motion by internet pornography was a sobering experience.

Husbands, this is a serious addiction. Don't think the above story could not be about you and your wife. It could be. It could easily be.

Wives, do not for a moment think you are "overreacting" to his pornography use. This is a serious addiction with serious consequences.

Mother's Day

Hubby was on the clock 19 hours Saturday. Granted, that will be the longest day of his summer work, but his weekend work is definitely not over.

He handled it pretty well, better than I expected. He was soooo tired, but he actually made it to church Sunday morning. He missed Sunday School (I'll let him slide), but he came to the service. I think he did it because his parents were here. So we were all in church together. It was very nice given the fact that his parents have all but stopped going to church. We're not sure why, but they just won't go. It's hard to do much about it when they live in another state, but we do pray for them.

It was also nice for the whole family to be together at church Sunday because it was Mother's Day. I wonder if all the sermons across this country were the same. The one I heard was about three upstanding women of the Bible. Moses' mother, John Mark's mother, and Timothy's mother/grandmother. We were told how mothers can impact generations and are the very best caretakers for their children. This is true.

So why do these holidays always make me sad? Because I start looking around our small congregation thinking about people's situations. I can't go into them all, but just in the immediate group around me, there was one lady who had not spoken to her mother in over a year, and there was a teenager whose mother had walked out when she was a baby and left her to be raised by grandma. That is just two cases that I knew about, I'm sure there were more that I didn't know about. And there's never any mention in the sermon about what these people are supposed to do with these "I Despise My Mother" feelings.

I feel the same way on Father's Day. I don't know about your church, but even though mine is very small, there are only a couple of families who are not blended; over half the kids at our church miss every other Sunday because they are at Daddy's. No matter, on Father's Day, the sermon will be on how dads are great and wonderful and the anchor in the home.

I would like to hear a sermon about how the family really is. Screwed. Preach to us about how to stop the cycles of abuse/addiction/poverty. Preach to us about how to accept God's grace and how to love each other no matter how our earthly parents treated us. Preach to us about how our church is only as strong as the weakest family in it.

I love my church and I love and respect my pastor, but sometimes these holiday sermons are just too sugarcoated. What about your Mother's day sermon?

God's Not the One Who Moved

Hubby is working late, kids are watching a movie, so I thought I would take this chance to write a few things down.

Not long after discovering my hubby's addiction, (and it was a "discovery," I'm not sure he would have ever told me,) I went through sort of a spiritual awakening myself. I realized I was far, far away from God and that He was not the one who had moved. I was "playing church," and knew how to do it very, very well. One night, about 9 months into this recovery, we were lying in bed and I ended up spilling my guts to hubby about how I felt so disconnected from God and how nothing seemed real to me in church anymore. I wish I could blame that all on the addiction and how my hubby had completely shook my foundation, but I couldn't. It was coming clear that the problem was that I had made hubby/family my foundation instead of God. I was/am very involved in church, but there's a difference in going to church and having a relationship with Jesus Christ. I know that now. Anyway, that night, I ended up praying to God to renew the joy of my salvation, to bring me back into his fold, and to put a hunger inside my soul to know Him. Guess what? He did!

I have never read scripture like I did after that. The words seemed to be in there just for me. I was reading Scripture I swore I had never read before! Hubby was excited for me, but a little uncomfortable I think. Remember, this was early recovery so we were dealing with alot, and he was still fighting against the "God is your only help" answer to fighting his addiction to porn, so he really did not know what to do with me. Reading my Bible was not the only thing changing. I was praying, I mean really praying, down-on-my-knees praying.....I could feel God in the room with me, and I will never forget it. I saw God answering prayers over the next few weeks and it was absolutely amazing.

It was during this time that I started to feel the Holy Spirit really speaking to me about helping other women who are dealing with these sorts of issues. I felt that very strongly. I did not have any idea what to do, still don't, but I know that "call" was not a fake. And God was working in hubby too....because he feels the call and is ready to do something about it.

Which brings us to next Tuesday. Next Tuesday he goes to tour a theological seminary close to our home. He wants to be admitted to the marriage and family counseling program.

So I'm scared. Is that wrong? How will we eat? Will he still work full-time; part-time, or no-time? Will we have to move? What if he hates this like he has hated every other job? What if he cannot even get a job around here?

Not long after my "spiritual renewal," I went to the Christian bookstore and found a devotional book by Charles Spurgeon. This book is anointed, I am telling you! I was reading through some of the dog-eared pages this evening and found something I'd like to share with you all. I hope you find comfort in it as you search for a thread of hope in this ugly addiction.

"It is very wonderful, but it is certainly true, that there are many
persons in heaven in whom sin once abounded. In the judgment of their
fellowmen, some of them were worst sinners than others. Among the best
servants of God are many of those who were once the best servants of the
devil......They were long led captive by the devil at his will, but they were
never such servants to Satan as they afterward became to the living and true
God." Charles Spurgeon